[Brian Stansell]

@Erynne

Erynne,

I use the free Voice Record Pro App on my i-Phone. It provides good quality MP3 audio, and I have set it up so that it can upload the resulting file either into my One Drive (MS) or Google Docs with just a few clicks.

Then I edit the resulting file with Audacity which is also free.  Get your parents’ permission, and enlist them to help you by…(wink 😉), performing one of your side character voices, while you read the MC and narration. This is meant to be fun and it allows you to take a step back and hear how the scene flows as you reader might.  It is a valuable exercise, and you get to benefit from actually hearing us do the same.
Imagine it is like a campfire, and we are all sitting around it and each one of us shares a brief story under the flickering light.

If you want to try Audacity…
Here is the official site if you want to download it: “www.audacityteam.org”
Also check out their page: “www.audacityteam.org/download/online-safety-when-downloading/”
These days, one cannot be too careful.
Don’t let Goggle or any other search engine send you anywhere else. ❤

Brian Stansell (aka O'Brian of the Surface World)
I was born in war.
Fighting from my first breath.

[Erynne]

@rose-colored-fancy

Thank you! I will have to try that.

@obrian-of-the-surface-world

Thank you for your help! I might do my fantasy but a ton of people have asked me about me new suspense novel I’m working on so I may do that. I also responded to your thread about opening lines for suspense/thrillers, but I forgot to tag you so idk if you got it or not. Just letting you know! 😀

Be weird. Be random. Be who you are. Because you ever know who would love the person you hide.

[Livi Ryddle]

@joelle-stone

JOELLE

SEEN IS BEAUTIFUL

I LOVE IT

I cried at the ending

Simply wonderful. And your voice is perfect for that narration!!

@rose-colored-fancy

I’m in the middle of yours now. I’ve gotta pause and continue it later, but I absolutely love it! And your accent as well! And I agree with those who’ve said you read it beautifully. I find that your accent (and any nervousness that came through as you read) only added to the narration. It feels real. Feels dangerous. Feels… feels like I’m there.

“Enough! Be quiet! I can’t hear myself think! I can’t hear my teeth chatter!"

[Rose]

@anne_the_noob14

I’m in the middle of yours now. I’ve gotta pause and continue it later, but I absolutely love it! And your accent as well! And I agree with those who’ve said you read it beautifully. I find that your accent (and any nervousness that came through as you read) only added to the narration. It feels real. Feels dangerous. Feels… feels like I’m there.

Thank you so much! That’s the sweetest thing <3 I’m glad it worked!

@everyone

Hey, y’all! I enjoyed recording this first one so much that I recorded a second (shorter) scene. It still needs editing, but I’ll try to post it as soon as I have the critique for the first scene.

This second scene was particularly fun to record because it’s very dialogue-heavy and there are like nine characters in the scene. (Though they don’t all speak.) It’s glorious chaos XD

Without darkness, there is no light. If there was no nighttime, would the stars be as bright?

[Joelle Stone]

@anne_the_noob14,

Aw, thank you!!! I honestly had no idea what I was going to do with the prompt I got. XD

(BTW… you should submit a story of your own! I’ll listen and critique it…)

[Livi Ryddle]

@joelle-stone

I would love to submit one! I have a short story I’m working on draft 1 of, and I could fit it into a couple scenes 🙂 So I may read it when I’ve finished. :))

“Enough! Be quiet! I can’t hear myself think! I can’t hear my teeth chatter!"

[Joelle Stone]

@rose-colored-fancy,

*could listen to your accent all day* *tries mimicking it* *reads your story with you with your accent* *fails miserably*

The best part about this (not including the melodic reading) is that I know who Liorah and Gavril are and I know some of the setting and worldbuilding. *cackle*

Scene Questions:

1. Is there anything that stood out to you as intriguing about this scene?

Just the whole worldbuilding – you put so much work into culture and everything and then only let us see the little details (at least, I think that’s what you do), which makes me want more. The kolye is especially interesting – don’t ask me why. XD

 

2. What would you say the mood was of this scene?

Mood, hrm. Tense, scared, determined.

 

3. What character(s) in this scene would you like to know more about?

Well, obviously Gavril, just ’cause we all know he’s my favorite. 😉 But also Liorah – how old is she in this scene, after all? Like before or after the Castle?

 

4. Which character, if any, do you feel the most empathy toward in this scene alone?

Liorah. Definitely. I know that feeling where someone tells you to go do something and you’re like, “NO! I should be right here!” or where you’re scared but you know you have to act anyway. The whole my-brain-stopped-working-so-my-muscles-took-over scenario. 🙂

 

5. Which of the following, as a reader, do you wish I had developed more fully in this scene?
a. Setting
b. Character thoughts and motivations
c. Character appearance and/or mood expressions
C only. I feel like you did an excellent job with the setting – giving us just enough to get a mental picture but leaving us wanting more ’cause we know it’s there. Liorah’s thoughts and motivations are really clear as well, so yay for that!! 😀

 

6. Do you feel that the dialogue in this scene flows or is mechanical and stilted?

‘Tis very very flowy. I love how Liorah calms the kids down by playing hide-and-seek. (Also, LOVE THE NAMES GIRL!!)

 

8. Did this scene make you want to read more scenes? (Why or why not?)

How do I put this gently? YEEEEESSSSS LET ME READ YOUR BOOK RIGHT NOW ROSE OR I WILL STEAL IT FROM YOU BECAUSE I MUST KNOW MORE ABOUT THIS DESERT PRINCESS AND HER PROTECTIVE BRO BECAUSE IT JUST SOUNDS SO AWESOME!

As for why… I think it’s obvious. XD

————————————————————

Thanks for letting us read/listen to this, Rose!! ‘Twas a real treat. 😉

[Joelle Stone]

@obrian-of-the-surface-world,

Aha! I finally have a window of time in which to critique your piece!

Scene Questions:

1. Is there anything that stood out to you as intriguing about this scene?

Yes. I’m wanting to learn more about the encounter with the Troll, plus get some more character development. Who is the “I”? And, like Cathy said, I’m intrigued with your modern-but-fantasy world here. 🙂

 

2. What would you say the mood was of this scene?

Oof I hate having to put my feelings into words. XD Erm… sympathetic, quiet, emotional

 

3. What character(s) in this scene would you like to know more about?

This mysterious “I” and the girl-who-was-never-named. Especially GWWNN. (Maybe I’ll just call her Gwen ’cause it’s close enough to the abbreviation. XD) What was she doing with a Troll? How did she get entangled with “I”? Why does she seem to trust him more than the others?

 

4. Which character, if any, do you feel the most empathy toward in this scene alone?

Man, I always feel empathy. I’m one of those “Sympathetic Criers”. XD I gotta say Gwen, though. I’ve never had a family member leave or hurt me as much as poor Gwen seems to, but I’ve seen the results of that kind of hurt in some friends of mine. Plus she’s crying, so I automatically feel for her. XD

 

5. Which of the following, as a reader, do you wish I had developed more fully in this scene?
a. Setting
b. Character thoughts and motivations
c. Character appearance and/or mood expressions
B and C. I feel like you did a good job with the setting (I just need more story to figure out what’s up with the Troll + Florida thing), but I kinda forgot that “I” existed during Gwen’s story in some moments. More of his thoughts would be nice. 🙂 And, since I’m the type of reader who likes to know what a character looks like, C would be swaggy too.

 

6. Do you feel that the dialogue in this scene flows or is mechanical and stilted?

It’s flowy but some moments are borderline choppy. Borderline. Since I don’t know what Gwen and “I”‘s relationship is, it may or may not make sense why. But overall, good job!

 

8. Did this scene make you want to read more scenes? (Why or why not?)

Yes. I love your style, and, although the scene took a little while to launch, I found it intriguing. Especially b/c you did so well with making Gwen sound like she was crying. TBH I am not as hooked with this story as I am with others, mostly b/c there was less action and mystery than in a few of the other scenes read here. It also may have to do with the fact that it didn’t mention swords. XD (JK) I think that if you had let Gwen’s mysterious aura fester a bit more (and maybe you did and I just didn’t get to chomp at the bit before I got here) you would have kept people hooked with her. Although I’m still hooked with her and want to know if her name is really Gwen. XD I love the feeling of “I” (a man in his prime or middle-aged, I’m guessing) comforting and listening to Gwen (a girl who’s teenager or a young woman) with a lot on her heart. That’s probably my favorite part.

——————————————

Anywho, well done! I’m sorry it took me so long to get this to you – life is a little crazy right now. 🙂

[Brian Stansell]

@joelle-stone

Hi Joelle,

Whew! It has been a long and busy week.
Trying to catch up on responding to posts.

Joelle Stone wrote:

Yes. I’m wanting to learn more about the encounter with the Troll, plus get some more character development. Who is the “I”? And, like Cathy said, I’m intrigued with your modern-but-fantasy world here.

So, let me clarify a little.  These snippets of scenes are extracted from anywhere in a longer work, so they will often be introduced without context or backstory.  We are just looking at the intrinsic value of a single scene, which may cause some confusion, but the fact that it piques interest in what has gone before or will follow after is in itself a good sign.
Every element should evoke in a reader a hunger and desire to understand and want more information.  This is the mortar that connects each brick of a story to the next one and ultimately and collectively builds the complete structure.

Each part brings value to the whole.  These are flashes and glimpses.  A firework in the dark.

So, now that I have this scene put out there, and you graciously provided this valuable and golden feedback without any preconception, I can now freely speak to it.  This is one of the many powerful gifts that come out of this fun exercise.

My cast of characters, occupying the fantasy realm of the Mid-World in my WIP, is comprised of four groupings.

1. Mid-Worlders – those humans born in the Mid-World

2. Half-Men – a creature group of beings who are half-human and half of something else (animal, fish, insect, plant, or a combination of these subgroups)

3. Supernatural metaphysical beings born of ethereal fire rather than natural water.

4. Surface Worlders – human beings pulled out of Earth time and gathered together into a shared “Fellowship” to be part of a quest to bring about a prophecy and themselves be transformed by the journey.

The scene provided are characters from the fourth group.

The speaker, Main Character, is a broken man, who is called to lead this group of Surface Worlders to recover a lost stone that is part of the fulfillment of the quest they are called to.  He is a man of many secrets and is struggling with his own worthiness to be tapped to lead this group of newcomers into The Mid-World.  He is a much more humble man than he used to be, for he is the only one of the group of new arrivals that have been to the Mid-World before and joined a company to pursue the quest wonder a different leader. A man who he betrayed, and that broken trust led to the graver danger in the Mid-World’s overall present condition. Powerful enemies who rule the lands do not want the prophecy to be pursued that will uproot their strongly held control and reverse the balance of power.

This humbled and guilt-ridden man has learned the value of contrition and it has caused him to listen more to the personal stories of those he must lead, protect, inform, and guide through the dangers ahead he is partly responsible for.  He is a leader who holds tentatively to his calling.  He fears his own failure and fears what might happen to those he is given if they were to pursue their own agendas and distrust him, as he once did.

His name is Brian, because there is a great deal of my own personal real-life struggle of finding God’s will invested into this character.  It is a humbling experience to give a character your own name, and there is a vulnerability to that and risk of doing so, but I feel led to do this.  To be open and honest.  To show flaws that connect my own humanity to him.

There is another character in the story named Begglar, though that is not his given name as he once had it in the Surface World.  The man is fiercely Irish, though I too often render him in an English-sounding voice when reading his character’s dialogue.  His name “Begglar” comes from his son’s inability to pronounce his given name when the young lad was just learning how to talk.  Begglar was part of the prior quest that Brian caused to go awry, though he has forgiven him for it, he has not forgotten it entirely.  Begglar has his own secret betrayals that make him more understanding than most, and out of that, these two men have maintained a certain bonded friendship of mutual understanding.  It is to Begglar’s Inn that Brian leads the company, after their first-night camping (in ruins and a rocky grotto) in the Mid-World after leaving the mysterious Oculus portal (one of seven in the Mid-World) they all came through to the Mid-World’s sandy beach and its vast eastern sea.
Begglar refuses to call the main character “Brian” but rather insists on calling him “O’Brian” with such persistence that the others eventually do so as well, yet they call him “Mister O’Brian”.  There is a playfulness in this that “Brian” accepts as part of learning to be a little more tolerant and good-humored like Begglar is.  Begglar proves to me a stoic friend, that helps give “O’Brian” more confidence in his calling, rather than in his “fears of what if.”  Brian’s insecurities are made more clear in Chapter 1, so it would have been redundant to include them in this scene that needs to be focused on the young girl.  She is primary in this scene, so I did not want to detract from that.  Brian’s job was to listen, not judge, and let her express what fears and burdens she needed to in the privacy of their quiet conversation.  I deliberately avoided getting too much in his head.  The scene that follows this one, however, does provide his sad reflections on what she shared.  What the girl needed most, was what she was not often given back in her Surface World life–a listening ear.

Joelle Stone wrote:

What was she doing with a Troll? How did she get entangled with “I”? Why does she seem to trust him more than the others?

Yes. That was a prior scene.  It happens during their (Surface Worlders)  first encounter when they approached the Inn owned by Begglar and his wife Nell.  Begglar has company in the dining hall, so Brian and the others wait to announce their arrival and try to see who the “company” might be, so they eavesdrop. Literally. Begglar had devised a “listening corner” to spy on the Xarmnian troops when they would commandeer his Inn and order him and Nell and their son out, for private meetings. Brian takes advantage of that secret and gains more info, but also spots a hidden Troll within the room, also gathering info on these “traveling strangers”, for more nefarious purposes.  Brian and company realize what is happening and that if that Troll escapes and gets back to whomever he reports too, if would put them all in grave danger, both to Begglar and his family, the strangers within, and to the plans for their taking up the quest again.  When the Troll attempts to escape the dining hall through a fireplace flue, Brian and the company must make a quick decision, and they do. They need to capture and subdue it before it goes into hiding.  That confrontation is where this girl finds out a nasty secret about Trolls in the mysterious Mid-World.  They have a way of seeing into a victim’s mind every lie that has been told to them and using these lies to assault them mentally until they back off.  This ability of the Troll’s dark nature (derived from what transformed them) can only occur through prolonged eye contact in which the Troll’s eyes turn black.  The only lies that work, however, are the lies a person secretly believes about themselves.

Joelle Stone wrote:

And, since I’m the type of reader who likes to know what a character looks like, C would be swaggy too.

“Swag-ness” aside, I felt it might have been a distraction to shift focus to Brian, especially in such an emotionally intense scene.  It needed to be about her, not him.

Joelle Stone wrote:

TBH I am not as hooked with this story as I am with others, mostly b/c there was less action and mystery than in a few of the other scenes read here. It also may have to do with the fact that it didn’t mention swords. XD

Ha! Perfectly understand. Swords and fighting are coming though. Those are ahead, but I wanted to show an empathetic scene for the time being.  There is a character that actually says, “When do we get to fight?!” 😂 So I am building up that and teasing it out a little more.  There are violent scenes. Some I hesitate to share.  One of them is on a frozen lake, with bizarre monsters pincered into the ice…. [Well, that’s in book 2 (already written, but needs edits)]

There is a strange “Mid-Worldian” reason that full names of the Surface Worlders [only, except for Brian and little Miray] are not given up-front to Brian, in particular, that has to do with their tenuous presence there.

Two of the other Surface Worlders’ do give “Brian” their names.  One happens immediately after the Troll fight.  And the other is this girl, who finally does give her name in departing.  .

If I can get at a few more others to participate in this “Audio Cinema” exercise, I might just be persuaded to post the very scene that reveals it. 😜

@this-is-not-an-alien

@rose-colored-fancy

@anne_the_noob14

@erynne

@nataliecone

@sparrowhawke

@crazywriter

@bclarke

@ashley-tegart

@morreafirebird

@devastate-lasting

@tanyacreative

@melancholicwriter

@imwritehere1920

@skylarynn

@arindown

@joy-caroline

@michelle
@everyone

Brian Stansell (aka O'Brian of the Surface World)
I was born in war.
Fighting from my first breath.

[Linyang Zhang]

@obrian-of-the-surface-world Wow, this looks interesting. Too bad I really hate hearing my voice. Not sure what I would read, either, because of the different brand I write, heh… Nothing long and poetic like you guys. Just sentences.

"I set a melody upon the scenery I saw outside my window;
It's beginning in my spacy world."
- TK

[Rose]

@joelle-stone

*could listen to your accent all day* *tries mimicking it* *reads your story with you with your accent* *fails miserably*

Aww, thanks! <3 LOL, that happens a lot XD My accent is shockingly hard to imitate XD

The best part about this (not including the melodic reading) is that I know who Liorah and Gavril are and I know some of the setting and worldbuilding. *cackle*

Yes! You know my darlings already XD

Just the whole worldbuilding – you put so much work into culture and everything and then only let us see the little details (at least, I think that’s what you do), which makes me want more. The kolye is especially interesting – don’t ask me why. XD

You would not believe how often I’ve considered completely cutting that from the worldbuilding XD (I reconsider every time it comes up XD) Thank you! I’m so glad it came across. I’m kind of stuck in between the ‘My readers need to know everything or they’ll be extremely lost’ and ‘Figure it out yourselves, lol,’ XD

Well, obviously Gavril, just ’cause we all know he’s my favorite.   But also Liorah – how old is she in this scene, after all? Like before or after the Castle?

Lemme see, this is about two months after the castle! So Liorah is 16 and Gav is 20.

And I’m so glad Gav is someone’s favorite! He always gets pushed down to “he’s kinda nice but Liorah’s my favorite!” (And Sahar. Don’t get me started on Sahar, everyone absolutely adores her from scene 1, it’s almost ridiculous at this point.) I’m so happy someone finally appreciates him and loves him as much as I do XD

Liorah. Definitely. I know that feeling where someone tells you to go do something and you’re like, “NO! I should be right here!” or where you’re scared but you know you have to act anyway. The whole my-brain-stopped-working-so-my-muscles-took-over scenario.

Awesome! I’m glad that worked. It was kinda interesting writing this because it’s the first time you can see how Liorah completely clicks back into her trauma mindset. It’s interesting. (Poor thing, she’s so messed up from the start and it doesn’t exactly get easier XD)

C only. I feel like you did an excellent job with the setting – giving us just enough to get a mental picture but leaving us wanting more ’cause we know it’s there. Liorah’s thoughts and motivations are really clear as well, so yay for that!!

Awesome! Now you point it out, I could have described Liorah a bit more. I gave a detailed description in the previous chapter, so I kinda forgot about adding it here XD I’m glad the setting worked because I’m generally awful at describing settings. (Or anything, really) I usually just forget to describe anything so it looks like my characters are floundering in front of a greenscreen XD

‘Tis very very flowy. I love how Liorah calms the kids down by playing hide-and-seek. (Also, LOVE THE NAMES GIRL!!)

Thanks! That’s the proof that sometimes stealing from real life is the best XD I actually have encountered those names ‘in the wild’ and noted them down because they’re cool XD

How do I put this gently? YEEEEESSSSS LET ME READ YOUR BOOK RIGHT NOW ROSE OR I WILL STEAL IT FROM YOU BECAUSE I MUST KNOW MORE ABOUT THIS DESERT PRINCESS AND HER PROTECTIVE BRO BECAUSE IT JUST SOUNDS SO AWESOME!

As for why… I think it’s obvious. XD

Aww, your sweet comments absolutely made my day! <3 *Puts you on a list of people who can possibly be bribed with lots of chocolate chip cookies to read the manuscript XD It’ll only need about a hundred revisions XD*

Thanks for letting us read/listen to this, Rose!! ‘Twas a real treat.

Thank you so much for your helpful critique, Joelle! I totally need to go listen to your short story! I read it on your blog and it was one of the prettiest things I’ve read! (Not an exaggeration. It was so lovely and sweet and touching!) I’d love to see more of your chapters/stories!

@obrian-of-the-surface-world and @everyone

May I humbly suggest adding a question to the critique questions? When I’ve let others read a piece, it has always helped me a lot to ask what part/element they noticed or liked the most.  The answer has always surprised me and it’s very interesting to see what stands out the most about your piece from an outsider’s perspective.

Without darkness, there is no light. If there was no nighttime, would the stars be as bright?

[Rose]

@devastate-lasting

Wow, this looks interesting. Too bad I really hate hearing my voice. Not sure what I would read, either, because of the different brand I write, heh… Nothing long and poetic like you guys. Just sentences.

I’d still love to hear it! That’s an interesting format to write in and I’d love to hear/read it! And I feel like that instinctive hatred of your recorded voice is basically a universal experience XD Don’t worry, I’m sure it’s not that bad and everyone over here is super awesome <3

Without darkness, there is no light. If there was no nighttime, would the stars be as bright?

[Linyang Zhang]

@rose-colored-fancy Thanks for the encouragement! I’ll try to find a day where my allergies aren’t acting up to record a short piece, then.

"I set a melody upon the scenery I saw outside my window;
It's beginning in my spacy world."
- TK

[Brian Stansell]

@rose-colored-fancy

Hi Rose,

Rose wrote:

May I humbly suggest adding a question to the critique questions? When I’ve let others read a piece, it has always helped me a lot to ask what part/element they noticed or liked the most.  The answer has always surprised me and it’s very interesting to see what stands out the most about your piece from an outsider’s perspective.

Consider it done.  I will repost the Scene Questions with this one added.

@devastate-lasting

Hi Linyang,

We absolutely love accents here and everyone dislikes their voice at some point. Rose is correct…

Rose wrote:

And I feel like that instinctive hatred of your recorded voice is basically a universal experience

…but if she had let that stop her from giving it a shot, we would have missed such a blessing in what she shared.  Often times our Accuser plants seeds of fear in our minds to keep us from receiving the blessing of courage.

May I gently remind you, of 2 Timothy 1:7?  Consider the source, and poke the devil in the eye with your boldness.  Your God-given gift was not invested in your person to be buried, but to be fully embraced and to shine like a light on a hill. God never gives without purpose, ergo your vested gift has a purpose.  Do not belittle what God has given you.  Do not compare it to others.  This is a verse in a grand musical of creativity that only you can sing.  The part was written for you, by God.  If the little boy would have kept his lunch to himself and not put it in God’s Hands, the 5000 would not have been fed.  Little is much in His hands.  Have no fear. Put faith in its place. Your gift was designed to shine.

As for allergies, they can be a blessing in disguise.  I found that out during my French class back in college. French words I could barely pronounce on a regular day, I got just right on a day with sniffles. 😋

Brian Stansell (aka O'Brian of the Surface World)
I was born in war.
Fighting from my first breath.

[Linyang Zhang]

@obrian-of-the-surface-world Heh, thanks for your kind words. Aight, then I’ll give it a shot. Can’t promise any fancy music though.

"I set a melody upon the scenery I saw outside my window;
It's beginning in my spacy world."
- TK

[Author]

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