Audio Cinema
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Ok, here we go again.
Be weird. Be random. Be who you are. Because you ever know who would love the person you hide.
At your service, dear lady!
[Bows] + takes a mint-flavored antacid to relieve the bloating. 😉Brian Stansell (aka O'Brian of the Surface World)
I was born in war.
Fighting from my first breath.Hi Erynne (@erynne)
This should work, if the link above doesn’t.
Brian Stansell (aka O'Brian of the Surface World)
I was born in war.
Fighting from my first breath.Hi Erynne (@erynne),
I am so glad you did this!
Here are some of the questions I answered for this scene. Since there is only this one part, some of the questions were not relevant, but I would love to hear a subsequent scene following and connected to this moment here.
1. Is there anything that stood out to you as intriguing about this scene?
The scene begins at the point of imminent punishment for the speaker, yet it pivots at the end for something unprepared. This does a good job of hinting at questions, both for what has brough the speaker to this point and what follows. An opening scene should generate questions that lead to the next. Good job!
2. What would you say the mood was of this scene?
There is a sense of impending doom.
3. What character(s) in this scene would you like to know more about?
The speaker is the only one we are introduced to, so it follows we need to know a bit more about them.
4. Which character, if any, do you feel the most empathy toward in this scene alone?
The speaker.
5. Which of the following, as a reader, do you wish I had developed more fully in this scene?
a. Setting
b. Character thoughts and motivations
c. Character appearance and/or mood expressions
Perhaps a little more of the setting might help us get the sense of the speaker’s peril. Is she/he on a hangman’s platform, guillotine, stretch rack?
6. Do you feel that the dialogue in this scene flows or is mechanical and stilted?
The flow is fine and clear. Delivered almost in a rhythmic cadence which evokes the idea of a heartbeat. It does feel more sad than fearful.
7. Did you learn something in this scene that you wondered about in a previous scene?
Since there was no prior scene, this does not apply, however, a subsequent scene should pick up where this scene leaves off to answer at least a part of the questions raised in this scene.
8. Did this scene make you want to read more scenes? (Why or why not?)
Yes. It hints that her/his father, someone named Jack, and “the baby” might have preceded her/him in this fate, however her mother and sister seem to be of a different mindset, then the path she chose. It makes me wonder what mindset has divided this family.
9. Is there any part of the scene that you personally felt did not belong?
There is only the one scene, so this does not apply.
10. Is there a particular part of the scene that stood out to you as your favorite? (Why?)
11. What, if anything, would you change about this scene to make it more interesting to you?
Add more setting so we get more of a sense of the character of where she/he is.
12. Is there something in the author’s audio reading of the scene that you picked up on that you might not have noticed if you had just read the text alone silently to yourself?
Erynne, your voice is very clear and pleasant to listen to. The wording is clear and distinctive. There is a not of sadness in the delivery, however there might need to be more of a sense of fear since this character is about to be subjected to torture and then death.
We need to get a sense of what she/he is losing, and how she/he may feel about that they did to bring them to this point. Are they only sorry because of their mother and sister’s disappointment? We need to connect a little bit more with the emotion of the moment. Bring the stakes of the loss more into it. Is the character glad they made the attempt to try what they did? Are they dying for a noble principle? What is their view of the afterlife? Is there anything in their personal belief system that gives them some kind of comfort at this moment?
I hope that helps. Thank you for sharing this glimpse of your story here. I would love to hear a second scene that follows and pays out the threads you have raised in this one. Very good job!
Brian Stansell (aka O'Brian of the Surface World)
I was born in war.
Fighting from my first breath.Thank you, Brian!! You’re so kind 😊
That is just my prologue, so I didn’t put too much detail in it as I would for a chapter. When that part of the story happens, I will definitely include the detail it’s missing.
Unfortunately, that part of my book is planned but not yet written. I thought doing this would motivate me to write, so hopefully it won’t be too long until I have that piece written. I’m delighted to hear that you like it though!
Thanks for your support!
@rose-colored-fancy I know you’re just dying to hear how my dude-like voice sounds 😂Be weird. Be random. Be who you are. Because you ever know who would love the person you hide.
I know you’re just dying to hear how my dude-like voice sounds
Nooo, you have such a pretty voice! It was cool to hear it 🙂
Without darkness, there is no light. If there was no nighttime, would the stars be as bright?
I haven’t posted one of these in a while so I thought I’d put one more out here, just to see what you all thought of the pacing of this one.
@imwriteher1920
@Anyone and everyone else
——————————————————-
Moniker: @obrian-of-the-surface-worldBook Title: Excavatia: From Dust Arise (Book 1 of the Excavatia Series)
Audio Link: Chapter 11 – The Storm Front – Scene 6 (Run to Sea)
Duration: 5 minutes 12 secondsText: Words: (794)
Gusts of wind pummeled Christie as she held tightly to the horse running beneath her at full gallop. She was blind, the land seemed alive beneath her, jumping into relief and falling into shadow with each strike of the lateral lightning crisscrossing the angry sky above her.
She ducked low beneath the bobbing head of the mare that ran across the trembling landscape, squinting as hard drops of rain pelted her body like viciously cast marbles thrown by a petulant brat angry at his recent loss of the game.She could see no sign of Laura, and she was running blind, losing the hope of ever finding her again.
A loud crack ripped open the heavens and seemed to dump a veritable waterfall down upon her, through a gaping fissure beneath its vast reservoir.
Her horse screamed in protest, its pace quickened by its terror. Begglar had said these horses knew their way to the sea, but she did not figure that applied in such a terrible thunderstorm which was gaining in strength by the minute.
Under the rumble of a thousand sky drums, Christie thought she heard the answering shriek of another horse far ahead. A prick of hope that she might miraculously locate Laura within the storm.
How long had they been out in this? Thirty minutes, an hour, maybe two. Time seemed to run counter to the speed of her horse. The stinging wind and wet and erratic dance of electric light and dangerous darkness piled misery upon misery. Her skin burned with the cold, her clothing scratched with threaded claws against her body, gripping her with wet slick fingers.
A burst of white light, strobed out of a column of opalescent fire, burning her vision with a negative image of a lone horse running along the crest of a cliffside. As her horse approached, Christie could hear the sounds of thousands applauding, like a roaring crowd at a massive stadium, in ecstatic celebration of some field of play. Or a coliseum of blood-thirsty spectators, witnessing brutal gladiatorial conflict in an arena below.
Christie’s horse turned, as it reached the cliffside, running laterally in the direction that the other horse had gone. The sea below the cliff was a frothy churn of milk, striking the collection of stone reefs, sending spouts of spray high into the air. The beach was bearded with phosphorescent seafoam, iridescent and deluged, the shoreline pushed relentlessly against the cliff’s edge, swallowing the strip of sand under rolling surf.
Christie grappled for a better grip on the horse’s reins and pulled hard to the left, turning the terrified horse back from following the route Laura’s maverick mount had taken.
Somewhere Laura had fallen. She could be hurt or even worse. Her body could have fallen from the cliffs into the swirling waters of the sea below.
Christie struggled to see through the salted sting of the sea air, buffeting her against the bluffs as they curled upward along the battered brow.
The horse was exhausted and finally slowing, but it trembled and protested, bobbing its head in fright, struggling against the bit that halted its forward progress.
Christie quickly scanned the churning waters below and then the area ahead where the land sloped upward from the seaside. Another strobe of light tore across the sky causing the scene to jump in projection. Something glowed from the far side of the bend in the curving shore.
Christie goosed her mount forward, loosening the drawn reins, allowing her horse to gallop up the rise towards the turned inlet. As the terrain rose higher, the winds became more ferocious, attempting to hide from her the source of the glowing light ahead.
As the animal thrust upward upon the upper cliff, Christie gasped, ingesting salty spray that burned her mouth and throat.
Effused in a bluish corona of light, the large rim of the Oculus spun against the spray of the storm, casting a pool of light ahead of its path inward toward the land. Wet sand dunes glowed like strange lady-finger cookies toward the large ring of light, almost as if they were the hands of a bride extending its fingers outward to accept the glimmering wedding band offered by the powerful hand of her beloved groom.
The seafoam churned around the sandy dune that would soon become an atoll, and then descend within the chiffon lace of the sea’s billowing bridal gown.
A small figure moved back and forth under the glow of the approaching light, stumbling and then rising along the crest-effused dune.
Laura.
It could only be her.When the Oculus ring closed over the finger of the dune, the sea around it mysteriously calmed.
When the oculus withdrew back into the sea, the lone figure was gone.Brian Stansell (aka O'Brian of the Surface World)
I was born in war.
Fighting from my first breath.@obrian-of-the-surface-world. I think the pacing was good–it certainly was in the dramatic read-through, but then I get bamboozled by the epic music, and lost in the storm of the words so…I’d have to read it again to see if the piece itself is paced well. I loved your music, btw!
Quoth the raven, "Nevermore!"
https://silverpenstrokes.wordpress.comThank you, Emily!
I think I need to chop up some of the lengthy sentences. Some authors know intuitively where to break them up into fragments that mimic speech, but my mind keeps clawing back to grammar rules.
I noticed that intense scenes in other novels I read are often written in short punchy and clipped prose. I do have a swirling cloud of words that mimic the storm, but I need to know how to comb through the tangles.
I was amazed that the music fit so well and seemed in sync with the written action. It almost seems as if the score was written for this very scene. That is beyond my control and too big for me to contemplate fully, so when these pairings (of word to music) happen, it feels like the Lord is reminding me that I am not alone in this creative process.Brian Stansell (aka O'Brian of the Surface World)
I was born in war.
Fighting from my first breath.Ah, I see! Perhaps I can help.
It did sound somewhat wordy. In general, I love words and applaud their use, but without the dramatic reading I had the privilege to hear, I think the reader will be a little swamped by them. For instance:
A burst of white light, strobed out of a column of opalescent fire, burning her vision with a negative image of a lone horse running along the crest of a cliffside. As her horse approached, Christie could hear the sounds of thousands applauding, like a roaring crowd at a massive stadium, in ecstatic celebration of some field of play. Or a coliseum of blood-thirsty spectators, witnessing brutal gladiatorial conflict in an arena below.
While I appreciate what you’re doing with the storm of words, and it’s delightfully poetic, I think you’ll lose them here, and in other places like it.
What we need to know is:
1. there is a lone horse running on the top of a cliff. (It’s silhouetted, I believe.)
2. Christie hears the loud roaring of the sea.
Bringing in descriptions like “opalescent fire”, “negative image” or the simile of the crowd at a game/coliseum brings in an extra thing for the readers to think about without giving them much more vital information. Something like “the sea thundered in her ears” will give the reader the same feeling of stormy noise without providing a sidetrack from your main objective: finding Laura. You could even liken the sea to the sound of applause, but skip the image of a game/coliseum. (I assume it is the sea that Christie is hearing, and not actual applause).
If you could cut some of your sentences and leave them with the bare bones of what we need to know, I think it could be a lot more tense, and you’d be less likely for readers to lose interest and wander away.
I hope that helps!
Quoth the raven, "Nevermore!"
https://silverpenstrokes.wordpress.comThank you, Emily! @emily-waldorf
That is EXACTLY what I was looking for. I realize my difficulties but sometimes get puzzled on how to break them down and simplify them.
Sometimes I read other works that seem overly poetic and pack in a bunch of layered metaphors so much that they lose the gist of the action. Allusions, similes, and poetic vision are good, but in moderation and should never weaken a tense scene. I feel like I am making amateurish mistakes., that I should know better.That is why having others read and experience it helps.
Your insights are GREATLY appreciated. Thank you, thank you, thank you!
Brian Stansell (aka O'Brian of the Surface World)
I was born in war.
Fighting from my first breath.@obrian-of-the-surface-world You’re more than welcome! It was a very intriguing scene, and I hope Christie does eventually find Laura!
Quoth the raven, "Nevermore!"
https://silverpenstrokes.wordpress.comGIRL.
I. LOVE. IT.
I MUST READ MORE
Wow. Remind me what app you use to record this!?!?
One thing I did notice was that the “its” in this sentence should be “her”
bride extending its fingers
You seem to enjoy descriptions (all of which are gorgeous, BTW!!!!!!!), but remember that descriptions can take out of a high-packed scene. Try to chop some of the longer sentences up into smaller bits to give the moments of action their heartbeat. 😉 Also, more character thought would be nice.
ALL IN ALL WONDERFUL JOB!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I was so intrigued by the scene that I couldn’t even do something else with my hands while listening – I just had to stop and stare into space. XD WELL DONE!!!!!!
Aw, thanks!! I shall recording chapter one tomorrow. It’s a pretty boring chapter but it explains the backstop of the world and introduces most of the important characters so it’s kind of necessary. I think. My alpha reader thinks it’s awful (thanks again, sis) but it’s still kind of important. I think. Isn’t that right @this-is-not-an-alien ??
Be weird. Be random. Be who you are. Because you ever know who would love the person you hide.
Hi Joelle!
I use “Audacity” to mix the tracks. I put the vocal layer on top. Then a sound effects layer, and finally the music score.
Audacity is free. I believe I posted a link…[somewhere] looks around…lifts a book…[shrugs]….”Nope, not under there…”
Anyway, I’ll find it and send it to you.Thank you for the input on the scene above. Sometimes my scenes work, sometimes not so much. I have been recording my entire book from the beginning to the point at which I am editing its present draft.
I presently have 116 scenes recorded with sound effects and music scores, so it is becoming a full audio drama. (Prologue + Chapters 1-13)
Brian Stansell (aka O'Brian of the Surface World)
I was born in war.
Fighting from my first breath.
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