Daeus Lamb

@daeus-lamb

I agree with @taylorclogston mostly. Your second version screams “Tolkien ripp-off” with lines such as: “dark lord escaping,” and “it corrupts heroes.”

Also, “God may have abandoned them” sounds a little cheesy. I think you could come up with a much more poetic way to say that.

What if instead of: “but warns God may have abandoned…[Read more]

@daeus-lamb Nice b8 Daeus =P In all seriousness a caste system like that could be cool to represent the sin state if someone felt the need to write a Christianity allegory that used a different setting than “Pilgrim’s Progress 2000.”

@daeus-lamb I hate the second one, sorry =P I feel like all the genericness you previously addressed was put back in.

I like the first one quite a lot, though. I’m not sure what “it’s part of their brokenness” means, and ‘The song sages call the Songkiller’s symphony” reads a little confusing as it sounds to me on first go like you begin t…[Read more]

@daeus-lamb Yeah. . . it seems to be an on-and-off problem. . .

@daeus-lamb

It seems to be fine now! Thanks for checking into this!

@daeus-lamb It was all over the site except for the main forum page, but it seems to be back now! Sorry to bother you! 😀

@daeus-lamb Sorry, but I think the issue’s back! 😅

@daeus-lamb

Okay… Now it gives away too much, I feel. I like your first final take better. I think it has enough plot, it’s just a little generic as far as storyworld goes.

What if, instead of trying to explain more of the plot, you just worked specific details of your storyworld into your “final take” synopsis. For example, instead of saying…[Read more]

@daeus-lamb Ehhh. I still prefer “When heroes fail, the Songkiller rises” a lot better. But maybe if instead of using “dream” as both the positive and the negative you work in “nightmare” somehow? Like… “Heroes are born to dream, but sometimes dreams turn to nightmares”? I don’t know. Still not super happy with it, but maybe it’s something to play with?

@daeus-lamb

Hmm. I think it would inspire more of my curiosity if it included all heroes, like so:

“No hero is who they try to be.” Or: “No hero is as heroic as they want to be.”

Saying “not all” implies that some heroes are who they try to be, and I’m just as curious about that character as I am about the one you’re obviously implying.

And if…[Read more]

@daeus-lamb

*sniffs* Ouch. 😅😂

I think it does well. And yes, it stings a little.

@wordsmith I feel like you’re getting off topic a bit. That sort of conversation is really interesting (and I think it’d be great to have it in a different thread) but I think Edmund’s original question precludes yours.

We talk a lot as writers about things like authorial voice but don’t tend to share definitions beforehand. We can’t really have…[Read more]

@daeus-lamb

So then, maybe looking at the side of what the voice means? Which is highly subjective to the artist.

@daeus-lamb I think it works a lot better now! The addition of specific details serves it very well IMO. The fourth paragraph is pretty dense and wordy, though. You’ve not told us the main plot, but you spend a lot of time describing side plots. The last two paragraphs are a great, stinging finale, as they were even in the first draft.

@daeus-lamb My first inclination is to look toward the books I actually know which are somewhat similar to you, like Name of the Wind and Wizard of Earthsea, but those are by well-known trad-pubbed authors and so probably aren’t a good point of comparison.

Even still, NotW opens with praise from big name authors and then an excerpt from the…[Read more]

@daeus-lamb I’m not going to go into the content right now, but I spotted one thing I thought you might want to be aware of. In the last line of the first paragraph:

I think you’ve got a typo (loosing/losing)! Just thought you might want to know that in case you didn’t catch it! 😉

@overcomer

I’ll tag @daeus-lamb for the forum application question.

Regarding the blog, the mobile version does have a search bar. You just have to scroll down to the bottom (it’s right under the Older Entries button). 🙂 You’ll find article categories down there too (as well as in the menu at the top).

@daeus-lamb I agree with H. Ann specifically about the first line.

I still feel like it tells me little more than “this is in the epic fantasy genre.” The last line about the lonely artist struck me as very much “something in a Daeus story,” which I think is great. You have a unique perspective and style of storytelling, and I just don’t think…[Read more]