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@daeus-lamb

I agree with @taylorclogston mostly. Your second version screams “Tolkien ripp-off” with lines such as: “dark lord escaping,” and “it corrupts heroes.”

Also, “God may have abandoned them” sounds a little cheesy. I think you could come up with a much more poetic way to say that.

What if instead of: “but warns God may have abandoned them and that the cost of heroism can be bitter.” do: “but warns them that [God may have abandoned them] and the cost of heroism may be bitter.” I like “may” there better than “can.” Unless they’re not trying to be heroic… then you might want to come up with something entirely different.

Is it supposed to be “The song sages call It the Songkiller’s symphony”?

“Heroes fail … but Exton …” I think this could be better if it were more of a call response kind of thing: “Heroes fail, … But Exton determines not to! (etc. etc. prettified, you know?).” I guess it already does do that, but I’m just not feeling it. Maybe it’s just me. What is Exton trying to prove by going on his journey? Use the inverse of that as the starting point instead of “heroes fail”, maybe. I don’t know.

Anyway… I don’t suppose you have to take it back to formula. Those are just my thoughts.