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Tagline critique

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  • #103586
    Daeus Lamb
    @daeus-lamb

    Hey guys, what do you think of this tagline for my epic fantasy novel?

    Not all heroes are who they try to be

    Is it epic? Inspire your curiosity?

    What are your thoughts/suggestions?


    @taylorclogston
    @hope-mcclellan @italian-stallion @kayla-skywriter @gabriellepollack @cassandraiaΒ @chaliceΒ @noahlitle

    πŸ˜€
    πŸ‘•πŸ‘
    πŸ‘– 🐒🐒🐒🐒🐒

    #103587
    Buddy J.
    @wordsmith

    @daeus-lamb

    *sniffs* Ouch. πŸ˜…πŸ˜‚

    I think it does well. And yes, it stings a little.

    Published author, reader of many books, Student in writing, and Lumenite!

    #103589
    Noah Litle
    @noahlitle

    @daeus-lamb

    Hmm. I think it would inspire more of my curiosity if it included all heroes, like so:

    “No hero is who they try to be.” Or: “No hero is as heroic as they want to be.”

    Saying “not all” implies that some heroes are who they try to be, and I’m just as curious about that character as I am about the one you’re obviously implying.

    And if I’m going to be really nit-picky, I could say that the flow doesn’t work for me. I think if you treated this like a line of poetry you would do better. Look at the flow of stressed syllables:

    Not all heroes are who they try to be

    You’re missing a stressed syllable between “heroes” and “are”, and it’s kind of throwing me off. Makes it feel like you switched the bass and snare drums half way through the phrase.

    That’s my thoughts. I hope it’s helpful. Sorry, I kind of take critiques seriously.

    Maybe too seriously. XD

    p.s. I only know a little.

    #103590
    R.M. Archer
    @r-m-archer

    It seems a little flat to me, but I can’t put my finger on why. πŸ˜›

    I feel like it might be more punchy if it were more of a two-part thing? Like “We all try to be heroes; some of us fail.” (That’s not a great example, but hopefully it gets the point across. ;P) Another thing might be making it more personal, like that? To the character or to the reader or both? The one you have feels a little disconnected, emotionally. (But maybe that’s more of a stylistic thing, in which case I’m probably just not the target audience and what you have could be fine.)

    Fantasy/dystopian/sci-fi author. Mythology nerd. ENFP. Singer.

    #103595
    Daeus Lamb
    @daeus-lamb

    I do like two-part taglines.

    Thoughts on “When heroes fail, the Songkiller rises” ?

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    #103598
    Daeus Lamb
    @daeus-lamb

    “Everyone thinks they’re a hero until they try.”

    πŸ˜€
    πŸ‘•πŸ‘
    πŸ‘– 🐒🐒🐒🐒🐒

    #103600
    Daeus Lamb
    @daeus-lamb

    Wait, here goes: β€œa hero’s dreams will haunt him.”

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    #103602
    R.M. Archer
    @r-m-archer

    I like that first one: “When heroes fail, the Songkiller rises.” The first half encompasses all heroes, like @noahlitle mentioned, it sets up action immediately, it piques curiosity with the implication that the Songkiller isn’t a classic hero (plus the idea of a “Songkiller” is in and of itself intriguing, at least to me personally), and it flows nicely.

    Fantasy/dystopian/sci-fi author. Mythology nerd. ENFP. Singer.

    #103605
    Kayla Skywriter
    @kayla-skywriter

    Of the four I like all of them except the last one.

    How we chose to fight is just as important as what we fight for

    #103619
    Taylor Clogston
    @taylorclogston

    β€œWhen heroes fail, the Songkiller rises.”

    I like this one a million times more than the others. The very first one felt generic. “Not all heroes…” has been done to death (pardon another cliche >.> ) and “are who they try to be” doesn’t seem like it has any substance.

    But that “heroes fail” one is inspired.

    "...the one with whom he so sought to talk has already interceded for him." -The Master and Margarita

    #103628
    Daeus Lamb
    @daeus-lamb

    I was actually putting my stock in that last one. 😏

    Let me make sure it wasn’t just poor wording because I feel like the concept is on target. Do any of you like β€œ heroes are born to dream, but some dreams come to haunt them” ?


    @taylorclogston
    @kayla-skywriter @r-m-archer @noahlitle @wordsmith

    πŸ˜€
    πŸ‘•πŸ‘
    πŸ‘– 🐒🐒🐒🐒🐒

    #103629
    R.M. Archer
    @r-m-archer

    @daeus-lamb Ehhh. I still prefer “When heroes fail, the Songkiller rises” a lot better. But maybe if instead of using “dream” as both the positive and the negative you work in “nightmare” somehow? Like… “Heroes are born to dream, but sometimes dreams turn to nightmares”? I don’t know. Still not super happy with it, but maybe it’s something to play with?

    EDIT: I think I’m running up against the impersonal style of it again. There’s a hint of a character in a tagline along these lines (whoever’s being haunted by their heroic dreams), but it’s still really vague and general. It doesn’t really feel like there’s anything to latch onto. So if you can make it more personal or specific somehow, that might also help.

    • This reply was modified 1 year, 5 months ago by R.M. Archer.

    Fantasy/dystopian/sci-fi author. Mythology nerd. ENFP. Singer.

    #103633
    Kayla Skywriter
    @kayla-skywriter

    I love the idea behind them all, just not the wording of some. And I do like the second dream one better than the first.

    How we chose to fight is just as important as what we fight for

    #104301
    Livi Ryddle
    @anne_the_noob14

    @daeus-lamb Ooohh… I like this one: “Heroes are born to dream, but some dreams come to haunt them.” I like it a lot. And not that I don’t like “When heroes fail, the Songkiller rises”, but I feel like it’s too… *narrows eyes and waves hand around in the air* …Too something.Β  I read it and I go: “Ok. Cool. So what?” Whereas, with the first one, you give me just enough for me to put together a complete thought, and then I’m left wondering, “What dreams? I want to read about these dreams. I want to read about the hero who has these dreams.” Obviously there’s reason to wonder about the second one, so I could be like, “Who or what is the Songkiller?” But it’s not as intriguing to me.

    I hope that helps??

    • This reply was modified 1 year, 4 months ago by Livi Ryddle.

    β€œEnough! Be quiet! I can’t hear myself think! I can’t hear my teeth chatter!"

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