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I like your latest version. It’s very specific and has a clear mood.
Complication: it is very dark and heavy. And I would say if it doesn’t match the mood of your story, then you should rewrite it. And I feel that strongly. Don’t use it if it doesn’t fit.
The only other thing I would say is, you seem to be stuck in the “eternal rewrite” phase. The past few synopses that you’ve presented us with have been fine. In my opinion, you should just pick your favorite bits of the last three or four versions and rewrite it one last time. Just my opinion.
You’re making good progress!
p.s. I only know a little.
Again, generally, I agree with @taylorclogston.
I do like the bit about the wizard better, but it still feels really long-winded. That whole paragraph is one sentence and I feel like it should be two, not that I know how I would break it up.
If I may be potentially offensive…
Based solely on your synopsis writing, it seems to me like you’re more excited about your story than your readers will be. This doesn’t necessarily mean you world isn’t exciting. It just means you don’t know how to show us how exciting your world is. Does that make sense? Is there a way to show us how exciting your world is without betraying your excitement?
I guess that may not be very helpful. I don’t know. Maybe it’s just me. I see that kind of thing happen a lot.
p.s. I only know a little.
I haven’t been as active on Instagram as I would like, but I could try to do this. My access to IG has been limited lately, though, so I can’t make any promises.
p.s. I only know a little.
I agree with @taylorclogston mostly. Your second version screams “Tolkien ripp-off” with lines such as: “dark lord escaping,” and “it corrupts heroes.”
Also, “God may have abandoned them” sounds a little cheesy. I think you could come up with a much more poetic way to say that.
What if instead of: “but warns God may have abandoned them and that the cost of heroism can be bitter.” do: “but warns them that [God may have abandoned them] and the cost of heroism may be bitter.” I like “may” there better than “can.” Unless they’re not trying to be heroic… then you might want to come up with something entirely different.
Is it supposed to be “The song sages call It the Songkiller’s symphony”?
“Heroes fail … but Exton …” I think this could be better if it were more of a call response kind of thing: “Heroes fail, … But Exton determines not to! (etc. etc. prettified, you know?).” I guess it already does do that, but I’m just not feeling it. Maybe it’s just me. What is Exton trying to prove by going on his journey? Use the inverse of that as the starting point instead of “heroes fail”, maybe. I don’t know.
Anyway… I don’t suppose you have to take it back to formula. Those are just my thoughts.
p.s. I only know a little.
Okay… Now it gives away too much, I feel. I like your first final take better. I think it has enough plot, it’s just a little generic as far as storyworld goes.
What if, instead of trying to explain more of the plot, you just worked specific details of your storyworld into your “final take” synopsis. For example, instead of saying “rising dangers” use a dangerous sounding word that has more to do with your storyworld or magic system. Or instead of “too deep to turn back”, you might give us a specific detail that shows us that he’s past the point of no return.
p.s. I only know a little.
Hmm. I think it would inspire more of my curiosity if it included all heroes, like so:
“No hero is who they try to be.” Or: “No hero is as heroic as they want to be.”
Saying “not all” implies that some heroes are who they try to be, and I’m just as curious about that character as I am about the one you’re obviously implying.
And if I’m going to be really nit-picky, I could say that the flow doesn’t work for me. I think if you treated this like a line of poetry you would do better. Look at the flow of stressed syllables:
Not all heroes are who they try to be
You’re missing a stressed syllable between “heroes” and “are”, and it’s kind of throwing me off. Makes it feel like you switched the bass and snare drums half way through the phrase.
That’s my thoughts. I hope it’s helpful. Sorry, I kind of take critiques seriously.
Maybe too seriously. XD
p.s. I only know a little.
Oh. I’m sorry. Google Hangouts. My mistake.
Yeah, I could make that work. XD
p.s. I only know a little.
@josiah Thanks. I look forward to meeting you there. 🙂
p.s. I only know a little.
Cool. I’d be up for that. I don’t think I could write a whole blog post, but I think I could come up with a paragraph or two.
I could also back out, so don’t count on me too much. 🙂
Let me know how y’all plan on getting in touch. I can do email, or Facebook. I don’t know about Google+, I got an email the other day saying they were going to shut it down. But I could make it work as long as it lasts.
Thanks again.
p.s. I only know a little.
Thanks for the tag. This sounds like fun. I would love to, but I’m not sure I have the time. But… maybe I could make the time. What kinds of topics do you plan on researching? How much would we have to write for it? Would we each be doing a little section of a blog post? Sorry, I only skimmed through this thread.
p.s. I only know a little.
@daeus-lamb Okay. Thanks. I hope I get to meet you in person there.
I joined the Facebook group and found someone else who was looking for a roommate. Thanks for responding.
@parker @nuetrobolt @brandon-miller @theinconceivable1 @taylorclogstonp.s. I only know a little.
@parker @nuetrobolt @brandon-miller @theinconceivable1 @taylorclogston
Thanks, guys! I appreciate your getting back to me.
I recon I’ll just book a room and hope someone decides to split the cost later. :-j
@brandon-miller I look forward to meeting you!Anyone else?
@daeus-lamb @wordsmith @warrenluther04 @joseph_darkgrate @ryker-dawson @and-all-the-other-guys-whose-tags-I-don’t-knowp.s. I only know a little.
@thewirelessblade Yeah, my C2 is basically just a growl. XD E2 is the lowest I can go comfortably too.
A0?? That’s the same as the lowest note on a piano. I’d have to hear it in context before I believed it.
@seekjustice You and your sister can rest in peace. Jesus is sung by a bass in Bach’s St. Matthew Passion. I would highly recommend checking it out if you have three or four hours to spare. I found it very edifying.p.s. I only know a little.
@r-m-archer Thanks for tagging me.
I play piano mostly. I also know a few chords and a couple songs on guitar, and I play a little hammered dulcimer and melodica.
I also love singing, especially A Capella. @thewirelessblade I’m a bass, too. A cool fact, I can sing lower now than I could a couple years ago. I think I stretched it a whole step. I can now reach D2. Not sure how high I can reach. What’s your range?
I don’t really like musicals. But I do listen to a lot of movie scores.
@emgc 2Cellos did Time? Is that from Inception? That’s one of my favorites!p.s. I only know a little.
It seems you already started a rather lengthy discussion here, but anyway…
I’m with @kari-karast.
Ciao.
p.s. I only know a little.
