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@kingdomfire7 Hey now, don’t put yourself or your story down! I did read it, but since I don’t really consider myself a fantasy writer, I wasn’t able to comment unless I joined the group. That being said, I’m willing to offer some critique if you’d care to hear it!
First off, I really enjoyed this story! I like the title “From Earth You Came” most, but “The Sky Burns Red” sounds good too.
I think you have good prose and good pacing. I don’t have much to critique except the ending. It just feels a little too sudden to me? I mean, he just lost his daughter, so he probably isn’t going to have his feelings resolved that quickly. I do understand that there is a little bit of a time constraint with a short story, so obviously you can’t really have a long-drawn out scene. I actually think you do really well with the story until where it says, “Then I saw it. An inscription had been scrawled…” I think that slashing the painting feels like a realistic reaction. But stopping short just because he sees the inscription feels just a little bit forced? He might even react with even more cynicism. (“How could He say He loves?”)
My advice might be to either have another character support him in that moment, because the MC isn’t going to be thinking clearly. Or perhaps alter the reaction he has at first. The realization of “Oh, this happened because I acted like this…” just feels like it happens a little too soon.
Of course, remember that this is all my subjective opinion, and some people might say the story should go somewhere else and some might want to keep it the way it is. I’d say the story works pretty well as it is, but strengthening those last few paragraphs might make it even more powerful. My advice would be, to really look how this character is going to react to certain situations, his emotions and thought processes are going to affect his actions. Other than that, I enjoyed this story very much! I like the message you are trying to convey, and it is well-written. Well done!
And @k-a-grey, she’s pointing out all the points that I’d’ve wanted to point out if she didn’t do it so well already. So I’m nOt sTatInG mY oPinIon but I completely agree there. Thanks girl! *highfives*
*highfives back* Yes, thank you! You covered a lot of things that my poor brain wasn’t able to put into words. Like, I literally had to copy and paste most of the conversation into a google doc so I could highlight and comment just so I could form some basis to put my thoughts together and it was still confusing 😂 😂
Alright, HERE’S a key phrase; subordination vs equality, are they necessarily incompatible opposites? Does obedience make you inferior to the one you obey even when you freely choose to obey them? What I mean is…does being freely subordinate to someone in any way take from your dignity as a human being? This is very status-oriented, and is status really important to equality?
Exactly! Paul says to “submit yourselves one to another” anyway, so reverence for the other person goes both ways, irrespective of gender.
That being said, I kinda understand where you’re coming from with the “traditional roles” being used to support misogyny and abuse, but that doesn’t mean that the scriptural roles of man and wife are demeaning to a woman in any way. In fact, I believe it is just the opposite. In a genuinely Scriptural, Christian marriage, those roles are meant to help each other and honor one another, not to raise one up, and push the other down. A spouse should never, never abuse the other, regardless of gender, and those who misuse and twist the Scriptures to say that they can are definitely wrong. But I think that to do away with gender roles all together because they are sometimes used to condone abuse is the proverbial “throwing out the baby with the bathwater.”
Might as well be one more female on this thread…
@obrian-of-the-surface-world @lonathecat Um, so, I was just a passive observer of this thread until this conversation became pretty heated so if I may be allowed to offer my thoughts? Because sometimes it helps to hear a third perspective?First off, Mr. Stansell, I have to agree with Lona that you may have misconstrued the meaning of the passage you referred to. While God does expect the man to be a provider of the home, I think Lona Cat is right in saying that the particular passage you pointed out is not referring to a “strong man” in a literal sense. While this may be drawing from a real life example of a physically strong man defending his home, that is not the point of the passage. It’s about spiritual warfare, and Jesus is using an illustration to get his point across, not necessarily that men must physically defend their home.
I do agree about what you said that men should be the head of the home and that women should submit to the husband’s authority. But going as far as to say that a man needs to be physically strong is a bit of a stretch. Are they, normally? Generally yes, but it’s not necessarily a physical requirement. However, Scripture does place a lot of emphasis on the spiritual requirements for the male head of the house, but I won’t go into that here.
Also, gotta admit, when you went into the whole “skeletal design of a woman accommodates carrying a child in their womb, etc., etc.” thing, it felt kinda condescending. True for the most part, but unnecessary and condescending. Which Lona also expresses, though somewhat snarkily😉 Unnecessary because it doesn’t really add much to your argument, condescending because we already know those facts.
God has put males in the role of spiritual headship in a home.
Bingo! I do agree with that. Although it does seem (correct me if I’m wrong) that Lona may have taken offence that you seem to imply that women are less spiritually discerning and more gullible than men? I hope that’s not what you meant by “silly women,” just that silly women exist, but either way the way you worded this…
There are silly women. Get over it. There are stupid men. You might as well get over that too. I will not pander or soft-sell the scripture just to tip-toe over sensitivities that may be more modern-cultural acquired than arise from sincere humble study of the Word.
Oof. That’s a bit strong. I get where you’re coming from, but ouch? I think there’s just misunderstanding on both sides of the issue, but anyway, moving on..
the definition of a Godly man is not a big, strong, gun bearing fellow. It is a humble, meek, self-sacrificing man who provides for his family.
Yes, Noah, I love that!
Masculinity, as well as femininity, were created by God and if you have a problem with either, you need to take it up with The Designer, because your real problem is with Him. Guys want to be tough. It is only women who try to shame them for it.
Sorry, but Lona clearly stated that this wasn’t an issue she had, so I don’t see why this is necessary? In fact, it sounds really close to sounding like a personal attack. I’m sure you’re not trying to be vehement, just standing up for your beliefs, which is great! But the fact is, that you did sound harsh at times.
Maybe I’m intruding though, and if I am, I apologize, I just hate to see people argue and it get nasty…. Also it’s 2:45 in the morning where I am so…. what I say may or may not make sense and if it doesn’t ignore me, I’m just rambling now. Signing off!
@tenshichispa Hello Tenshi! I think that’s a great question, and one every writer/artist should probably ask themselves at some point or the other. I think the most important thing to remember is who it brings glory to–ourselves or God? I believe God wants us to be creative and make things–He gave us that ability. But He also wants us to give the glory back to Him. Remember that while God absolutely condemned the making of idols, He was the One who actually gave the instructions for making the cherubim on top of the ark of the covenant, which obviously took great skill and craftmanship. Same with the building of the ark and the temple. He Himself is a great designer and artist, filling the world with great beauty that both inspires us and causes us to realize that we cannot even begin to measure up to the genius and creativity of an omniscient Creator.
So I think that writing/making things/artwork and creativity, in and of itself, is definitely not evil. But what we do with it, what our motives are, can be either good or evil. Remember that we’re supposed to do everything to the glory of God (I Cor. 10:31, Col. 3:17). I think some great questions to ask oneself would be, what message am I trying to convey through my writing? Does it display a truth that points back in some way to God? That doesn’t mean all stories should be cheesy, preachy, and squeaky clean either. Sometimes writers need to show the dark side of humanity, the fallen nature, as well as the grace and goodness of God in contrast to that. Some of the most powerful narratives in the Bible contain things that readers may at first cringe at –but it’s truth. The whole, sometimes gritty, yet revealing truth. And that truth is that, yes, human nature is fallen and at times depraved, but it is for that very reason why we need a Savior to redeem us. And that should be the whole goal of a Christian writer–to point, in some way, to the common thread that weaves throughout the Bible–how God had a plan to save sinful humanity, so that we could have communion with Him again, just like He had originally purposed for us.
With that in mind, to echo what Brian Stansell said, the ability to write is a great gift given to us by God. I don’t think we should be intimidated by it and “bury the talent,” but recognize that it is our responsibility as Christian writers to use it as an opportunity to reach people. And both Brian and Noah gave some great practical advice as well. As long as your heart is focused on pleasing God and following His will, everything you do will be permeated by that desire. Whether it is writing or something else, seek His kingdom first. Then pick up the tools He entrusted to you, and put them to use.
I hope this helped and encouraged you in some way! May God continue to guide you in your writing journey!
(P.S. So to boil all this down to a few sentences… Idolatry is basically worship of self. It does not seek to glorify God or be under His authority, but self. But the worship of God is a lifestyle of submitting everything to Him–actions, words, thoughts–everything. And through that surrender we can then give glory to God.)
@e-n-leonard Hey there, fellow poet! Nice to meet you!
This is beautiful!! Nice use of repetition. My only critique might be to split it up into stanzas to make each “I am a …” stand out, and perhaps combine some lines instead of fragmenting it to make it easier to read. But splitting up lines can also add more emphasis too, so it’s up to you. I love the message!
@inkhorn Ahh, okay, I see what you’re trying to go for now. My first idea might not really work then. 😂
So, this is giving me The Giver vibes. Also maybe The Matrix. And I can kinda see the archetype of opening a forbidden secret, like Eve in Genesis or Pandora in Greek mythology.
What if she stumbles upon a website containing the secret thoughts and deeds of everyone in the world? At first she is only curious about people she knows, but she starts to dig deeper and deeper until she discovers much darker secrets, making her doubt the innocent world she lives in.
@noah-cochran I think that since it’s such a volatile place, the plant life would have to be really resilient. I like the idea of the roots being able to shift. Also, what if they also have the ability to retain a high water content, so it has a self-cooling system to help with the heat. As for animal life, what about a lot of hoofed animals, that can stand the heat on their feet for at least several seconds without getting injured (unlike a dog, with vulnerable pads). Also very nimble, like mountain goats, able to leap from place to place. Flying creatures would probably be able to survive better too. The animal life would probably also be sensitive to vibrations and temperature changes.As for humans, I’m kinda imagining that they would be somewhat nomadic? Living in tents or moveable structures, able to move quickly to safety. Perhaps they would also rely on some animals to “predict” earthquakes or volcanoes.
@emily-waldorf You’re right, that would be weird… Would the second idea work? Like he’s a fair-weather (boy)friend, but as soon as she’s going through a rough time, he’s outta there? Like he wants her to be all cheerful and make him look good, but when she starts to have to lean on him, he doesn’t want the pressure.
@inkhorn Soo, the first thing I thought of is that she’s actually insane, and her family is desperately trying to bring her back down to reality. So one day she thinks it’s aliens, another day it’s noxious gases being released, but she’s clearly unstable. So once she finds the truth, she will basically destroy her own inner world, which her family is terrified will also destroy her. (Is that a weird idea? I’m sorry, I can’t think of anything else right now.😂😂)
@emily-waldorf I’m assuming Kyle is a really shallow person (I mean, how can he not be with a name like Kyle?😉), so what if it’s a really shallow reason, like the accident deformed part of her face, and he doesn’t want to be seen with her anymore.Or, if he’s a less shallow person, what if she’s really depressed and angry and isolating herself after the accident, and he just can’t handle the negativity.
Thank you both so much!!
@emily-waldorf Those are great ideas! I’ve never seen Oblivion, but I’ll look it up! Yeah, I do want the MC to uncover the secret of the Mirror City, but I’m not sure yet whether I want it to be actually sinister, or just *seems* to be sinister.You need goals for that character. What is he trying to obtain internally? What is he trying to obtain externally? Are they trying to destroy the mirror city? You also need stakes of some kind. (what’s the consequences if your character fails to achieve those goals?)
Those are great tips, thank you!
@inkhorn I love It’s a Wonderful Life! It’s one of my family’s favorite movies. I do want my character to have a run-in with the Reflector, so that might be one way to approach it. 🙂Thank you both for your help and ideas!
@inkhorn Okay, cool! I’d love to help with yours too, so do you want to trade comments?
Okay, so for anyone that’s subscribed to the SE newsletter, recently Hope Ann sent a May Long Challenge with this picture prompt:
I wrote a little scene, and my sister loved it so much, she wants to know the rest of the story. Problem is, I don’t know the rest of the story. 😂 Thoughts on where I should go from here?
In our world, when men die, their souls go to the mirror city. The mirror city hovers directly above us, a constant reminder of the inevitability of death. We are a grim city. We are a grim people.
My father went to the mirror city when I was eleven. I remember that day very vividly. I knew that the moment he took his last breath, the Reflector would come, with his hot air balloon, to carry my father to the mirror city. Still burned into my memory is the silvery-blue robe of the Reflector as he carried the limp body of my father into the basket. I watched the balloon rise in a slow spiral, knowing I would never see my father again.
We fear the Reflector. We hate the sight of his silver balloon with its nauseating orange banners, always soaring above us, a reminder of doom, of death, of sorrow. I used to wonder, as a child, if I could ever sneak into the basket when the Reflector wasn’t looking, until I heard of some fool who really did it. The man was crazed with grief over the death of his mother, and jumped into the basket just as they were taking off. Some say that the Reflector pushed him out, some say that his lungs couldn’t handle the altitude change. Either way, he was a lost soul. Lost souls are those who take their own lives instead of waiting for the Reflector to come. Lost souls disintegrate in the mist, never to enter the mirror city.
There are no clouds in our world. When the weather is foul, a thick reflective surface obscures our view of the mirror world. We look up, and instead of seeing the city where the souls of men dwell, we see–ourselves.@emily-waldorf This seems like a great idea!! I get stuck a lot in my writing, so having other people help me brainstorm would be awesome! Would anyone mind if I go first?
@jared-williams Thanks! (How close did I get to what you imagined?)
@jared-williams Okay, thank you! An email is on its way! 🙂
