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Wingfeather Saga Fanfic, not related to Wingfeather Saga 5th Book.
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Hey y’all! I started this Wingfeather Saga (WFS) Fanfiction about two weeks ago (???), and because A) there are a lot of WFS fans here B) I need constructive criticism from people who aren’t in my family and C) It makes me remember to work on it (hopefully.) I decided to put out here. So, with out further ado, Chap. 1.
P.S. Only my character (a.k.a. the character I created) will be from 1st person, all the rest will be 3rd person.
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???’s POV:
I drew in a deep breath and focused my arrow on the deer, then, exhaling, released it. The deer fell to the forest floor. As lithe as a cat, I stepped towards it, thanking the Maker. I had been tracking this certain deer for a day, and it had not been easy to catch up. Prodding the buck with my foot, I was able to confirm that it was dead. Several minutes later, I had set up a reasonably sturdy shelter. Then I turned my attention to skinning the deer.
~*~
My name is Aaliyah. I don’t have a last name, at least, not one that I know of. I have long, straight brown hair, tan skin, and large emerald eyes. I’m thirteen, I believe. I live in the Blackwood. Yes, I do know what they say about the Blackwood; that it’s haunted, populated with the cloven. Now, I don’t really know why they (meaning the Hollowsfolk) say that it’s haunted, but the latter is true. The cloven, really just broken people in the forms of mixed-up animals, do live in the Blackwood, in Clovenfast. Anyway, I was raised by them until I was about eight. I don’t remember what exactly happened, but one of the less-safe cloven attacked me. After that, Elder Cadwick said I had to leave. Ever since then, I’ve been on my own.
~*~
After skinning the deer, I started a fire to cook the meat. While it cooked, I went down to a nearby stream and washed off. When I was finished, I sat down to eat, but before I could, I heard laughter, and voices. Voices. Laughter. I hadn’t heard them in such a long time.
”Kalmar! What in Aerwiar are you doing?”
More laughter, and someone sputtering. Then I wondered what I was doing. They, whoever they could be, were heading straight for my camp, and I was just sitting there! I quickly started to move, putting out the fire, grabbing my bow & arrows and stuffing my two long daggers in my boots to join my many hidden throwing knives. In my sleeves, in my quiver, attached to my bow; they were very useful. I could hear them getting closer, so, like a squirrel, I skittered up the nearest tree. Then they came into view. I can honestly (well, maybe exaggerating a little.) say that I’ve never been more surprised as in that moment. Three were adults. An old man, a tall woman, and a man with wings. Was he a cloven? But what most surprised me was the four children. Two boys and two girls, one with a crutch. Why had these people brought children into the Blackwood? It was dangerous! Sure I lived in it, but I also knew how to defend myself! Intrigued, I clambered closer, only to misjudge the branch I stepped on. With a crash, I fell through to the earth beneath. Guiltily, I looked into a pair of bright blue eyes.
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So, how was it? I was trying to portray Aaliyah as capable right from the get-go; did I do it? And sorry-but not-really about the cliffhanger.
~Kylie
"The seed of the New World smolders. Bear the Flame."~The Green Ember.
Ummm… Is anyone here?
"The seed of the New World smolders. Bear the Flame."~The Green Ember.
Ok! We’re on to Chapter 2!
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Janner’s POV
When the girl had fallen from the trees, Janner was completely startled. No, more than startled.
She lay there for a second, stunned. Her emerald-green eyes flicked to his, almost… guilty. Then she leapt up, stomped her foot, and a long dagger flew into her hand, carried by the momentum, from her boot.
She held it in front of her, and spoke.
“What business have you in the Blackwood?”
Janner found myself surprised by her voice. It was light and clear, yet rich.
“Well?”
She stared at them all. It was rather intimidating.
Artham somehow was able to find an answer.
“We don’t mean any harm to you, and I’m afraid our business is our own.”
The girl looked at him, then her gaze softened. She lowered her dagger and said apologetically,
“Aye. I’m sorry. I haven’t been around people for a long time.”
She tucked a lock of her straight brown hair behind one ear and looked at her feet.”
Nia sighed and asked,
“May we have your name?”
The girl’s eyes flicked up, startled.
“I’m… Aaliyah. Don’t have a last name.”
Aaliyah’s eyes went to Nia, to Artham, to Oskar, to Janner.
“What might be your name?”
Nia smiled and introduced them. When she said Wingfeather, Aaliyah did a double take, but other than that seemed calm.
She stuffed her dagger back in her boot, and for the first time Janner noticed the bow and arrows on her back, and the smell of something warm and delicious. Oskar had noticed it too.
“What is that wonderful aroma? In the words of Essy Entwood, ‘Is that venison stew?’”
Aaliyah smiled for the first time since they had met her.
“Indeed it is Mr. Reteep!” she said, grinning. “Would you like some of it?”
Her emerald orbs flicked to Nia, then Artham. Nia smiled and said,
“We would be honored. Where is…”
“Right this way!”
Aaliyah hopped neatly over a log and paused, cocking her head as she waited for the Wingfeathers. Pulling back a couple of branches, she revealed a clearing with a fire and a shelter that had obviously been made by herself.
Over the fire was a stick with the remains of a rather sizable deer. Beside it was a wooden bowl, filled with soup, which had most likely gone cold at this point. The Wingfeathers sat down and Aaliyah handed them a couple bowls of the venison stew. As they ate, Aaliyah talked to them little, and Janner found himself wondering about this strange young girl. She was barely older than himself, yet here she was, alone in the Blackwood. The tangle of questions was to complicated for right now. Oskar began to say something about the meal, but then a crack rang out. Aaliyah’s face went pale.
“Fangs.”
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"The seed of the New World smolders. Bear the Flame."~The Green Ember.
Cliffhanger! I know, I know, cliffhangers are not fun, but at least it keeps you reading a story, so I plead forgiveness.
P.S. Is anyone reading this? If you are, please say so, because it’s not very encouraging when nobody’s reading your story. Or if they are, and they don’t say so.
~Kylie
"The seed of the New World smolders. Bear the Flame."~The Green Ember.
Hey Kylie, I thought it was good.😄
One thing I thought you could change would be to remove this piece:
My name is Aaliyah. I don’t have a last name, at least, not one that I know of. I have long, straight brown hair, tan skin, and large emerald eyes. I’m thirteen, I believe. I live in the Blackwood. Yes, I do know what they say about the Blackwood; that it’s haunted, populated with the cloven. Now, I don’t really know why they (meaning the Hollowsfolk) say that it’s haunted, but the latter is true. The cloven, really just broken people in the forms of mixed-up animals, do live in the Blackwood, in Clovenfast. Anyway, I was raised by them until I was about eight. I don’t remember what exactly happened, but one of the less-safe cloven attacked me. After that, Elder Cadwick said I had to leave. Ever since then, I’ve been on my own.
Except for saying that she was raised by the Cloven, you pretty much give all this information later. For example, she tells Nia her name, Janner notices the color of her eyes, and you could also make Janner notice that she was a similar age to him. I think you could replace it with more subtle descriptions put into the dialogue.
Hope that was helpful.
Not all those who wander are lost.
It was! Thank you! And maybe you could head over to the other Wingfeather forum? We’ve been missing you over there.
~Kylie
"The seed of the New World smolders. Bear the Flame."~The Green Ember.
Hey guys, my sisters and I were playing around on ArtBreeder today, and decided to design some of the Wingfeather Saga characters. Tell me what you think.😄
Janner:
Not all those who wander are lost.
Older Artham (after he gets wings). The hair isn’t perfect, but…😆
Not all those who wander are lost.
Tagging some Wingfeather friends:
Not all those who wander are lost.
W.O.W. What program was that again!? It’s so awesome!! Leeli is PERFECT!!
"For love is strong as death." -God
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