Wingfeather Saga Fanfic, not related to Wingfeather Saga 5th Book.
January 18, 2021 at 6:35 pm #124034
I have one word.
"The seed of the New World smolders. Bear the Flame."~The Green Ember.January 18, 2021 at 6:45 pm #124036
Excellent work! I once planned out a Wingfeather fan-fic, but long story short it never got written. *blinks back tears*
One thing I might suggest would be to have more information from Janner’s POV. Talk about his thoughts more. Have him judge Aaliyah (COOL name!), even if his ideas aren’t true. Some more stuff about him will help readers keep in mind that he’s the POV they are experiencing right now. When I read chapter 2, I kept discovering that I had to remind myself constantly that this was JANNER’s POV, not Aaliyah’s. 🙂
Also, there’s a couple typos. I wasn’t sure if those were accidental or not, so I won’t point them out. 😉 Excellent work!
"For love is strong as death." -GodJanuary 18, 2021 at 7:09 pm #124039
Thanks! And yes, I will keep that in mind. What were the typos?
"The seed of the New World smolders. Bear the Flame."~The Green Ember.January 19, 2021 at 3:54 pm #124076
Chapter 1 Typos:
- “not been easy to catch up.” Might sound better as “not been easy to catch up with,” even though prepositions aren’t technically supposed to end sentences (I think). Maybe a rewording would help?
- “I heard laughter, and voices.” Might be better without the comma: “I heard laughter and voices”, or “I heard voices and laughter.”
- “In my sleeves, in my quiver, attached to my bow; they were very useful. I could hear them getting closer, so, like a squirrel, I skittered up the nearest tree.” You should probably start a new paragraph with “I could hear”. I’m not a grammar expert, though; I could very easily be wrong on most of these suggestions. 🙂
- “(well, maybe exaggerating a little.) No period. 😉
Chapter 2 Typos:
- “She held it in front of her, and spoke.’What business have you in the Blackwood?'” I think it should be, “She held it in front of her, and spoke. ‘What business have you in the Blackwood?'” I really love that sentence, BTW. It shows Aaliyah as a suspicious/maybe a bit headstrong character. 😉 There are a couple other instances when the words are a paragraph away from when you said someone said them, as well. 🙂
- “Janner found myself surprised by her voice.” Since you are writing from Janner’s POV, “Janner found himself surprised by her voice.”
- “She tucked a lock of her straight brown hair behind one ear and looked at her feet.”” An extra ” after the sentence. 😉
- ” ‘What might be your name?’ ” Might make more sense as ” ‘What might be your names?’ ” (BTW, she talks with a slight Maraly-twinge; I love it!)
- “As they ate, Aaliyah talked to them little.” Do you mean “As they ate, Aaliyah talked to them a little” or “As they ate, Aaliyah talked little”? I was a little confused here.
Also, I have to say that you got Oskar’s voice PERFECT. I can TOTALLY imagine him saying that. XD And don’t worry about the cliff-hanger; it’s how all good chapters end (no matter how INSANE it drives the reader, lol.) Speaking of which, though, are you going to post another chapter?
So sorry about all the random stuff I noticed. XD Most of those probably don’t even count as typos. All in all, though, it looks really good! I want to read more!
"For love is strong as death." -GodJanuary 19, 2021 at 3:57 pm #124077Arindown (Gracie)@arindownJanuary 19, 2021 at 3:58 pm #124078
Whoops, since I can’t make edits that didn’t show a lot of stuff. In the first edit for Chapter 2, it’s supposed to look like this:
- “She held it in front of her, and spoke.
‘What business have you in the Blackwood?’” I think it should be, “She held it in front of her, and spoke. ‘What business have you in the Blackwood?’” I really love that sentence, BTW. It shows Aaliyah as a suspicious/maybe a bit headstrong character. There are a couple other instances when the words are a paragraph away from when you said someone said them, as well.
"For love is strong as death." -GodJanuary 19, 2021 at 3:59 pm #124079
Cool! Is that a free app/program? Can you get it on PC, do you know?
"For love is strong as death." -GodJanuary 19, 2021 at 4:01 pm #124080Arindown (Gracie)@arindown
I just found it on the internet. You don’t even have to download it or anything. Just sign in and start designing.
If you use it, I’d love to see what you did.😊 You could finish off the Wingfeather crew.
Not all those who wander are lost.January 19, 2021 at 5:20 pm #124085
Yeah, the last one I meant that as they ate, Aaliyah didn’t talk to them a lot. I’m trying to make her seem capable and slightly suspicious of newcomers. And yeah, I’m trying to get ready to write a new chapter. Chapter 1 was already written and chapter 2 was almost finished when I decided to post it on here. And No.2 of Ch.2, hehe. I started with Janner’s PoV being in first person, but then I realized I’m horrible at writing any characters other than my own in 1st person. I guess I missed that one when I was changing it to 3rd person. Thanks for putting those up there. I’ll try to crank out ch.3 soon.
"The seed of the New World smolders. Bear the Flame."~The Green Ember.January 19, 2021 at 9:57 pm #124096
The Wingfeathers froze when I said “Fangs.” I didn’t blame them. I hadn’t mingled with fangs much, as they, like everyone else it seems, were terrified of the Blackwood. My time was mostly taken up with the wild animals that roamed here. I motioned for them to be quiet, closed my eyes, and listened. I could hear voices, though to soft for me to make out the words. I could also hear the sound of crunching twigs. I reopened my eyes and looked at the Wingfeathers, Sara Cobbler, and Mr. Reteep, who were waiting with baited breath.
“They’re close,” Aaliyah whispered. “We need to get out of here.”
She may have been suspicious of these people, but she had no qualms about getting them out of here.
“Come on,” she whispered, motioning to the trees. “Get over there.” She hurried quietly around the clearing, putting out the fire, and grabbing her belongings.
Artham paused and looked at her. “What about you?” He asked. Aaliyah tried to smile at him. “I’ll be fine.” He gave her a skeptical look.
“I can defend myself.” Aaliyah said to Artham. “Just go!”
With an even more skeptical look, he vanished into the trees, and Aaliyah stuffed the last thing into it’s place. Then she heard the fangs get closer and she scrambled up the nearest tree, praying under her breath that it wouldn’t collapse.
"The seed of the New World smolders. Bear the Flame."~The Green Ember.January 19, 2021 at 10:06 pm #124097
*That the branch wouldn’t collapse.
"The seed of the New World smolders. Bear the Flame."~The Green Ember.January 21, 2021 at 2:11 pm #124142
I like it! The suspense grows!
"For love is strong as death." -GodJanuary 21, 2021 at 9:01 pm #124158Mischievous Thwapling@mischievous-thwapling
OH MY WORD THOSE ARE BEAUTIFUL!!! That is amazing! Thx for tagging me!
"I threw stones at the stars, but the whole sky fell."February 1, 2021 at 2:55 pm #124513
As the fangs came into the clearing, I listened to what they were saying before I attacked.
“I say we give up.” A gray fang said in his gravelly voice. “We’re not going to find the girl. She snuck into the Deeps and killed 20 fangs and snuck out again. Who’s to say she won’t find us before we find her!”
I knew the Wingfeathers were probably looking at me, but I wasn’t paying attention. I slid a throwing knife out of my sleeve and waited. When the fang was directly under me, I threw the knife. It hit the fang with a sickening thud and he crackled into dust. The other two fangs looked around, but I threw two more of my knives, then they too bust into dust. I clambered down the tree and grabbed my weapons, examining them for dents. The Wingfeathers came out of hiding, and I looked up. “Sneaking into the Deeps?” Janner said hoarsely. “Killing 20 fangs?” I sighed. “I hoped you wouldn’t find about that. And it wasn’t twenty fangs. It was fifteen.”
They looked at me, and I felt like I had when I lived in Clovenfast, like an oddity.
"The seed of the New World smolders. Bear the Flame."~The Green Ember.February 1, 2021 at 4:18 pm #124517
Ah. Sorry guys, about the short chapter. I wrote it on my mom’s phone, and it looked longer on there. Sorry!
"The seed of the New World smolders. Bear the Flame."~The Green Ember.
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