Wingfeather Saga Fanfic, not related to Wingfeather Saga 5th Book.
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That one was pretty good. You might want to add more onto it when you get onto a computer or something. 😉 Also, maybe a bit more action when Aaliyah (still love the name) kills the Fangs might be useful. 🙂 And what are the Wingfeathers doing while the Fangs roam in front of them?
All in all, I like the story. Keep posting!
"For love is strong as death." -God
Re-write of Chapter 4.
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AALIYAH’S POV
As the fangs came into the clearing, I listened to what they were saying before I attacked.
“I say we give up.” A gray fang said in his gravelly voice. “We’re not going to find the girl. She snuck into the Deeps and killed twenty of us and snuck out again. Who’s to say she won’t find us before we find her!”
I knew the Wingfeathers were probably looking at me, but I wasn’t paying attention. I slid a throwing knife out of my sleeve and waited. When the fang was directly under me, I threw the knife. It hit the fang with a sickening thud and he crackled into dust. The fangs yelped and looked around. I slid my bow and quiver from behind me and knocked an arrow, but before I could shoot one of them spotted me.“It’s her!”
I squeaked and let the arrow fly, and I watched with agitation as it missed completely. I slid my bow on a branch and dropped to the ground, pulling my daggers out of my boots. The fangs–I counted about five–hissed and snarled at me. I sized them up, strengths and weaknesses. Two green fangs, two bat fangs, and one grey fang, as the other one was turning to dust on the forest floor. I tensed, about to pounce– then an arrow whizzed through the air and killed Greenie No.1. I wheeled in surprise. Kalmar was out of hiding, and had knocked another arrow.
“Look out!” He yelled, and I spun around to see Bug-Eye No.2 (2nd Bat fang; in my mental picture of a bat fang, they have bug eyes) about to throw himself on me. I yelped and whirled my daggers in his direction. He went poof, into a cloud of black dust. The other fangs looked at Kalmar nervously.
“It’s him.” One whispered. “The Wolf King. Only–” He sniffed. “He’s not a wolf anymore.”
Wolves, kings? I had no idea what they were talking about, and I didn’t care. All I knew was that I needed to defeat these fangs, get the Wingfeathers out of here, and get back to my normal life, before anyone found out my secret. Because my secret was important, and something that could not be shared with anyone. Something that would destroy the life that I had put together. What was this secret?
I was a wolfwalker.
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Yeah, yeah, I couldn’t resist. Wolfwalkers are Irish legend, and there’s a movie coming out about them (or it might already be out; I don’t know) and they kinda caught my imagination. What is a wolfwalker? They’re people that turn into wolves when they’re asleep. Pretty cool, and I thought it would contrast nicely with the whole fanging/melding process that the Wingfeathers have had to deal with. The wolfwalkers in my story are going to be a bit different than the Irish legend. I didn’t think about adding this in until recently, and I’ll probably look at this in the morning and say this was a terrible idea, but, bear with me. I’ll try not to yell “BURN IT! BURN IT!” when I see it again. Until tomorrow, fellow featherheads!
Au revoir et bon nuit, mes ami! (It’s french, means: Bye and good night, my friends!)
~Kylie
"The seed of the New World smolders. Bear the Flame."~The Green Ember.
Ooh, much better! You definitely made Aaliyah more relatable (not the right word, but close enough). And wolfwalkers sound like a cool legend!!
"For love is strong as death." -God
We’ve got a Chapter 5!
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AALIYAH’S POV
I know, a wolfwalker. Now you’re either going to:
- Scream and run away from me.
- Find someone from a mental asylum and force them to take me in.
- Call me a half-fang.
- Do all three and more.
Before you decide to do any of those and abandon the story, let me explain a few things. First, I am not a full wolfwalker. One of my parents was one, and I just inherited some of their…abilities, shall we say. Two, I have less of those said abilities, but more control over them. I say abilities in the plural because wolfwalkers, while known for their main power of being able to transform into wolves while asleep, have other things too, the most prominent–actually, I’m not gonna say, personal laws of Wolfwalkers. Anyway, the most important thing is that I have sworn not to use my powers for years. They’re too dangerous, and if I lose control, well, I’d rather not say. Back to the story!
Me and Kalmar were facing the three remaining fangs. They glared at us, and I sighed. Time to try the Go-Away-And-We-Won’t-Hurt-You method. Otherwise known as: Send them to Clovenfast with a message of mine (one of the ways I’ve kept in touch over the past five years) and after they deliver it, let the cloven deal with them. Maybe not the best method, but surprisingly reliable.
Kalmar, however, had a different idea in mind. He raised his bow with an arrow knocked on the string, but I yelled “Wait!” He looked at me quizzically.
——-linebreaker—–linebreaker——–
Ten minutes later we had the fangs tied up and I finished explaining the method to my madness. Artham, Mrs. Wingfeather (normally I wouldn’t use the pleasantries unless they were an elder, but Nia Wingfeather was really nice!), Mr. Reteep, Sara, Janner, Kalmar, and Leeli looked at me with confusion.
“You” Janner said, trying to process what I was saying. “Send fangs to Clovenfast, to communicate with the cloven? So, you know the cloven? How–”
I glared at him. No one, not even someone who was not trying to be rude, questioned me about my past.
He shut up.
“Aaliyah,” Someone said, Artham. “Did you know that the cloven left Clovenfast three months ago, and are now living in a restored Anniera?”
Wait, what?
"The seed of the New World smolders. Bear the Flame."~The Green Ember.
Hi peoples that have been reading my fanfic! I changed my username to Kylie S. Pierce; please don’t be too confused about this. I want it to be my pen name, so….
"The seed of the New World smolders. Bear the Flame."~The Green Ember.
@joelle-stone (or any one else)
Any comments, critiques, typos, or suggestions?
~Kylie
"The seed of the New World smolders. Bear the Flame."~The Green Ember.
Hrm. *re-reads for editing* I would suggest not doing the bullet-points. Instead make a list like this: “Now you’re either going to scream and run away from me, find someone from a mental asylum and force them to take me in, call me a half-fang, or do all three and more.”
You also may want to re-word this sentence, or use different punctuation. I had to re-read it a couple times to understand it. Maybe try this?
“I say abilities in the plural because wolfwalkers, while known for their main power of being able to transform into wolves while asleep, have other things too, the most prominent–actually, I’m not gonna say: personal laws of Wolfwalkers.”
or
“I say abilities in the plural because wolfwalkers, while known for their main power of being able to transform into wolves while asleep, have other things too, the most prominent–actually, I’m not gonna say. Those are personal laws of Wolfwalkers.”
*shrugs* It’s up to you!
BTW, I really love the style you’re going with here. I’ve rarely seen a story told by the MC directly to the audience, kinda a 1st person and 2nd person mix. It’s unique, fun to read, and reminds me of The Emperor’s New Groove. XD
Possible typos & grammatical errors:
- AP capitalizes the noun Fang(s) in all his books. IDK if you wanna do that too. 🙂
- Are you capitalizing wolfwalkers or not? 😉
- The “proper” grammatical way to say this: “Me and Kalmar” would be “Kalmar and I”, for whatever reason, but it gives an excellent impression of Aaliyah’s voice, so if you want to keep it it’s totally fine. 😀
- “‘You’ Janner said” should be “‘You,’ Janner said”.
- “’Aaliyah,’ Someone said, Artham” should be “‘Aaliyah,’ someone said. Artham”.
These are not gigantic problems, just a few suggestions. As always, take them or leave them, and keep writing! 😀
"For love is strong as death." -God
Thanks for the critiques! And yeah! I don’t really think about it much, but there aren’t a lot of stories told that way. Hmm… The first to come to mind would be the Rick Riordan books. Percy Jackson and the Olympians (not Heroes of Olympus; Mr. Riordan did something different here), Kane Chronicles, and the Magnus Chase series. There’s more, but it’s currently 9:08 pm on my end, and I need to hit the hay.
*Yawns*
Thanks again for the critiques!
~Kylie
"The seed of the New World smolders. Bear the Flame."~The Green Ember.
No prob! Am I being too picky? I tend to do that. 😬
"For love is strong as death." -God
NO!!!!!! You are definitely NOT being picky! It’s constructive criticism, which every writer, as you no doubt know well, needs, no matter what kind of author, whether it’s your own novel, or a fanfiction. I’m very thankful that you critique me on this!
~Kylie
"The seed of the New World smolders. Bear the Flame."~The Green Ember.
Glad I’m not! (And yes, every writer certainly needs constructive criticism, some more than others. *cough cough* ME *cough cough*)
"For love is strong as death." -God
Happy Easter, y’all!
He is Risen!
"The seed of the New World smolders. Bear the Flame."~The Green Ember.
So, I’ve got serious Writer’s Block–
Aaliyah: Serious is one way of putting it.
Me: Get back in your story. As I was saying–
Aaliyah: She hasn’t written on any of her stories in a several months.
Me: It has not be that long! *thinks for a minute* okay maybe it has been that long. I dunno. And I thought I told you to get back your story. *mutters something about characters breaking the Fourth Wall*
So, anyway, If anyone has ideas, please post them. PLEASE.
~Kylie S. Wingfeather/Pierce
"The seed of the New World smolders. Bear the Flame."~The Green Ember.
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