[Joelle Stone]

@crazywriter,

I hath not forgottenest thou. XD I’m trying to find time to read this all in one go, which is challenging. I’m working on it, though! 😀

[Joelle Stone]

@crazywriter,

Ok, let’s get this ball rolling! I’m trying to do this in a Google Docs like format by striking through things I think should be removed and putting my suggestions in bold and comments in italics. Let me know if it didn’t make sense, and feel free to reject any and all suggestions. 😉

***

The next day, Abner woke to find the morning sky as cloudy as ever. Grey Gray (I know, I know, “grey” is SO MUCH NICER. But, alas, the British have already stolen that spelling, so America uses “gray”. Sad but true. XD)
 light streamed in, from an open window, and as he stretched, yawned, and walked to the door, calling for his servants.

He endured the grievous dressing routine, and, (hehe, nice wording) about half an hour later, he was joining his fiancé Lorraine (ooh, lovely name!) for a walk before the dreaded war council.

Dressed in royal finery, he boasted a white undershirt lined with red (try using a more descriptive word than “red” – like “scarlet” or “crimson” or “blood-red”. Or, if you do want to use red, try using a simile along with it. Or do both. Or do neither. XD It’s up to you.) trim, a red and gold robe, lined with bear-fur that came down past his ankles, and the traditional metal studded kilt that the Arhonian Royalty (again, great name!) wore for dress occasions. Lorraine wore a simple green (same thing as with the “red”) dress lined with gold thread.

She held his hand, making small talk for the majority of the stroll, but after a pause, she asked, “Abner, are you nervous?”

He swallowed, and didn’t speak for some time, gazing at the overcast sky. (Aha, wonderful use of the “show don’t tell” rule – a lot of writers like me hehe say what kind of emotion their characters are feeling when we should be using body language to show it. Brilliantly done!!)

“Yes. Yes, I suppose I am. I don’t feel like I know what I’m doing. Even though I’ve ruled for three years, I don’t really feel like a king. I still feel like a child.”

Lorraine thought, then spoke her usual wisdom. “Abner, your you’re (contraction of “you are” vs. the possessive “your”) young. You will feel like that. But you must realize that everyone goes through it, and you can only learn more.” (Ooh, that is wise!!)

Abner smiled, and kissed her on the cheek. “Thank you, Lorraine. Your encouragement means more than you know.” (Undo new paragraph, since there’s no new subject or speaker.) He glanced at the Great Hall, his destination, and bid Lorraine farewell.

“I’ll see you tonight.,” Lorraine said, and it was those words that gave Abner the strength to climb the steps and open the heavy wooden doors to the Council.

(Ooooh, the mental image!! Lovely, lovely.)

***

Gaaah, I didn’t have as much time as I thought. I’ll stop there and pick up where I left off when I get the chance. 😉 GREAT WORK SENOR!!

[Crazywriter]

@joelle-stone

 

 

Wow. You really outdid yourself. That format is helpful for me to see where I need editing. Thanks so much. I honestly facepalmed so many times cause I saw those stupid grammatical errors. Alas, computer spellcheck can be a terrible and unnoticeable enemy😂

 

On those adjectives, however, I totally get that, and your help there is much appreciated

[Crazywriter]

@joelle-stone @denali-christianson

How are you guys? No body died right? XD

 

[Joelle Stone]

@crazywriter,

Nope, not dead, but still busy. XD I’m thinking I’m going to have to split up edits for your chapter again… *growls at Life*

[Crazywriter]

@joelle-stone

Oh no worries. I just wanted to check up on ya. Yeah I get being busy. Lately I’ve had two snow days so I had a four day weekend so I was kinda bored

[Joelle Stone]

@crazywriter,

TWO SNOW DAYS?!?! Lucky. XD Most days the high over here has been in the 30 degree range, with no snow and freezing winds. #desertwinter XD

[Joelle Stone]

@crazywriter,

The war council was nothing as exciting or nerve-wracking as Abner had expected. Mostly, it was bureaucrats arguing about the levying of taxes, the raising of militia, none of which concerned Abner. Hm, you might want to draw this out a bit. With all the sweating beforehand, you had the perfect set-up for a healthy dose of suspense. If this were the end of the chapter, however, readers would simply be able to glance at next sentence and have all your fears resolved, making you not exactly dying to come back. 😉 Not sure how you’d pull it off other than burying the resolution a bit more. But this is just me being nit-picky. 😛 

After the customary homage to the king, he was almost forgotten. Ouch. xD Abner had to pinch himself to stay awake, and before long the butterflies in his stomach were all but gone.

So it was, that, sometime after noon, Abner was jolted from his daydream by loud banging on the doors and muffled shouts. [add to next sentence with], silencing

The commotion silenced the Council’s conversation,. and They all looked annoyed at the ruckus outside.

“Let me in!” Aa voice shouted, and the two guards by the door looked with question at sent questioning looks towards/looked questioningly/glanced at Abner with a question in their eyes/etc. Abner. Eager for a change in the mundane monotony of the Council, Abner waved at the guards to let the man in.

When the doors opened, a bear of a man, clothed in furs from various animals stepped into the hall. He walked deliberately strode to the center of the room, faced Abner, and spoke.

“News from the Barrowmark!” Hhe shouted. “The garrison in Ensteyr [ooh, love the name – like seriously love it] reports a force moving from the south. A force of several thousand.”

[new paragraph] A hush fell over the Council. Soon, however, until/’till a young noble, called Lord Rekner, scoffed.

“So? Call up the militia from each shire and we shall send these fools back to where they came from. Do we not have a superior military?”

This very question had lingered in Abner’s mind, but he had the tact to keep silent about it. [hehe]

The messenger, clearly disgusted with the flippancy the young noble had displayed, voiced his distaste.

“Your light air does not befit the situation, noble. You have only heard the half of it.” He paused for effect. “They march under the banner of a red sword, and a black hand. They march under the banner of Armagon.” [*shudder*]

The statement quieted even the most inexperienced of nobles.

Abner had only read of Armagon, but he knew enough that the messenger’s words sent a chill down his spine. The Arhonian Library only had a few books on the nation of Armagon, and it’s place in Arhon’s history, but that was simply because the lack of information on Armagon it, not the lack of influence.

Abner recalled reading one of the books, which detailed a period of time about three hundred years prior, when Armagon had invaded Arhon, and completely pillaged the peninsula. [slipped in worldbuilding quite nicely – well done] The survivors had fled to the mountains, building a crude fortress to protect against another invasion by the enemy/terrible/vicious forces. of Armagon.

And invade they did, and were it not for a courageous effort from the king and his men, Arhon would have been destroyed that day. Instead, a small band of Royal Marines, led by Abner’s ancestor, Thegn, miraculously pushed back the enemy, and over time the peninsula was retaken. Hm, kind of a run-on sentence. You might want to cut it back or split it up a bit. 😉

Apparently Abner’s trip back in time had led to a sizable daydream, and he was shook out of it, when a familiar voice sounded in his ear.

“Abner! Abner! What is your answer?” It was Jethro, and Abner blushed when he realized that not only Jethro, but the whole council was looking at him expectantly. [*laughs* nicely done, senor king] He looked desperately glanced at Jethro, who wisely stood, and announced that there be a short intermission for the king to come to a conclusion.

Whatever the conclusion was to be about, Abner didn’t know, but he was sure Jethro would fill him in.

The Hall emptied quickly[excellent opportunity for a simile], and Jethro herded Abner to a private room where he was promptly handed a drink to sip on while Jethro gave his speech.

“Your Highness, you truly should pay more attention to your Council!. It’s not fitting to be distracted, especially at your first one! You could lose favor with the Council, and then your every decision would be bemoaned and fought. Furthermore-” He droned on, and Abner dutifully endured the criticism. Finally, Jethro sighed, and put a hand on Abner’s shoulder, an unusually paternal act that Abner wasn’t used to, though he wasn’t upset by it.

“Abner, I have councilored you, and your father before you. I am committed to your family. If you go down, I do as well, and there’s no way I’d rather have it. But you must put diligence and solemnity into your rule, for only by it can you be respected.”

Abner thought the harangue was a bit of an overreaction, as he had been lost in thought about the situation, not something silly. But he could see how it would seem in the eyes of the Council, and he appreciated Jethro’s wisdom, so he nodded his head, and thanked the old magi.

“I understand your wisdom, Jethro. I see where I have erred. Thank you.”

Jethro smiled, and nodded appreciativelyin appreciation. “Have you thought of what your decision should be, regarding whether to send troops to Ensteyr?”

Abner drew a breath in, and let it out slowly, speaking after a long pause.

“I don’t see how we can leave the garrison to fend for themselves. But neither should we empty the peninsula of all forces of defense.”

Jethro smiled, nodding. “A wise choice.”

“Perhaps,” Abner said, chewing on his lip, “Pperhaps, I shall take a group of cavalry, 500 or so, and reinforce the garrison.”

“Lead the troops yourself? You should asses the risk, Siresire.”

“I know the risk. I cannot lead on a throne if I cannot lead on a saddle.” [mm, wise line there, Peter]

A sad smile spread over Jethro’s face. “Abner,” he said, “You you have a good heart. Just like your father.” Tears welled in both men’s eyes, one remembering a conquering king, mighty in battle, the other a tender father, who helped a boy grow to a man. A silence fell, then Jethro spoke, with a chuckle.

“Just mind that head of yours.”

***

Out of time. Great job!!

[Crazywriter]

@joelle-stone

 

thanks so much. This a really helpful, especially the format. I really appreciate the time you take to help me. I know you’re busy so I really am grateful.

[Joelle Stone]

@crazywriter,

Hehe, no problem!! If you want a more consistent group of critics, you should check out Writer’s Vision – it’s free, run by peeps I know, and is just a group of young writers helping each other out. 🙂

[Crazywriter]

@joelle-stone

that’s sounds awesome! I’ll have to check it out!

[Crazywriter]

Is it vision writers international?

[Joelle Stone]

Um, no I don’t think so. Here’s a link: https://sistersthree3.wixsite.com/writers-vision It’s a pretty small site, but worth the time. 🙂

[Joelle Stone]

@crazywriter,

*rubs hands* Ok, let’s get the rest of this puppy critiqued!!

***

It was with baited breath that the council anticipated Abner’s decision. The young king stood, cleared his throat, and spoke.

“Lords of the Council, in response to the unexpected messenger, I have come to a decision.” Abner swallowed, mulling the weight of his first important order as king. (the general term is “mulling over” or “mulled over”. I can’t tell if you just didn’t want the “over” in there or if you missed it on accident. If you didn’t want it in there, try using a different word than “mulling” (like “considering” or even “dreading”). If you did, try and add the “over” right after “mulling” or at the end of the sentence. ;)) After a small pause, however, he steeled his resolve, clenched his jaw, and said with as much kingly dignity as he could muster, “Levy the shires, and call up the militia. Defensive procedures are to be followed. I will take men to reinforce Ensteyr. We ride at dawn.”

*imagines majestic trumpets and the thundering of hooves* This is a WONDERFUL ending – and I’m so intrigued!! Your names are awesome and the overall chapter gives a good hint as to Abner’s character. Great job, Peter!!!!!!!!!

[Joelle Stone]

@denali-christianson,

Have you fallen off the face of the planet or are you just taking a vacation to Mars?

[Author]

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