December 7, 2021 at 9:38 pm #145147
Oh dude. You’ve got soooo much support. XD
Yes!!! It’s terrifying! And this whole social justice warrior thing. Ugghhhhh…
"The light perceives the very heart of the darkness." -HaldirDecember 7, 2021 at 9:42 pm #145148
Oh it gets to me to. It’s certainly concerning.
But, for know, we are to share what we know to be true as much as we can. So let us write! And write! And write more! Perhaps the ink we spill shall help spread the boundaries of which the blood of Christ shall ultimately cover. Who knows? He does great things with us broken sticks!December 7, 2021 at 11:45 pm #145154
*nods fervently with everything you’re saying*
(Great first chapter, Peter!! I love your style. One tip I’d have would be to limit your use of adverbs – find ones that you can replace them and their verb with a stronger verb. 😉 Can’t wait to learn more!!)
"For love is strong as death." -GodDecember 8, 2021 at 12:20 am #145156
Okay, that’s helpful! Any particular one? I’m not too good with adverbs, so any help with them is sorely neededDecember 8, 2021 at 12:26 am #145158
Erm… nope. Looks like the internet boogies got your snippet so I only read it on email and then deleted it. XD I do remember that you seemed to use “quickly” quite a bit… if you go to where you wrote it down and use the command Ctrl+F, it’ll pull up a bar and you can search for words or letters in your document. Depending on the size, just using “ly” could be helpful, but if it’s a big document you’d probably want to stick with whatever adverbs you can think of. Hope this help! (Also, wanted to say that I loved your names and language – how much time did you spend on that?)
"For love is strong as death." -GodDecember 8, 2021 at 1:49 am #145162
Wow. I’m like… shocked. I mean, first of all, you writing has improved astronomically from the Wingfeather forum. It’s like blossomed and… wow.
Your descriptions were so beautiful. It was like reading a modern edition of Tolkien. For once, I don’t feel like I have to tell you to cut back. While the descriptions were dense, it was worth it. I’m so impressed.
I think the only thing I’d say is make sure you don’t restate things unnecessarily. I can’ t recall a specific example now, but I noticed a couple of times you said a sentence and then you restated it differently a couple of sentences later. It wasn’t extreme, but it threw me off slightly.
The other thing is that there were a couple of thought processes on Abner’s part that were kind of clunky. Like the one “Abner you silly!” just came across as bordering on juvenile and not quite something someone like him would think. I mean, obviously I know next to nothing about your character, so if that’s how he talks, awesome! But if not, it’s just a heads up. 🙂
Oh, and I thought of one more thing: this goes along with what Joelle was saying, but show don’t tell. There were a couple of times where there was an overuse of -ly adverbs that removed me from the action, and a couple more times where I got the gist of something and it was a little overdescribed.
I probably made it sound a lot more flawed than it was, because that was beautiful. It honestly almost brought tears to my eyes a couple of times. Well done! I’m so excited to read more!!!
"The light perceives the very heart of the darkness." -HaldirDecember 8, 2021 at 10:17 am #145166
Thanks so much! I get what your saying about his thoughts. I guess I do intend to portray him at first as more of a juvenile adult with no real experience, but I can see that perhaps I could tweak it.
I’ll get on those adverbs, and do my best to clean it up, but thanks again! I’m glad you all liked itDecember 9, 2021 at 1:35 pm #145248
I’m glad I could be of assistance! 🙂
I can see that, but if I understand, he’s still an adult, which means he probably wouldn’t be having the thoughts of a 10 or 11 year old. Again, if I’m wrong, just tell me!
- This reply was modified 1 month, 2 weeks ago by Denali Christianson.
"The light perceives the very heart of the darkness." -HaldirDecember 9, 2021 at 1:38 pm #145250
Yeah, I can see that too. I changed it to,
Get a hold of yourself, Abner! It’s just a dream!
Does that sound better?December 9, 2021 at 1:45 pm #145253
Astronomically. Love it!
"The light perceives the very heart of the darkness." -HaldirDecember 10, 2021 at 12:00 pm #145309December 10, 2021 at 1:51 pm #145315
Lifelong hatred?!! Pshaw. Your opinions are your own, whether or not peeps agree with them.
And not really. We have several plans for Christmas with various members of the family, but other than that, no. What about you?
"For love is strong as death." -GodDecember 10, 2021 at 1:54 pm #145316
I have some two sisters coming for Christmas, which is awesome.
Yeah, unfortunately many people tend to forget the fact that opinions can differ. Oh wellDecember 10, 2021 at 2:07 pm #145318
*sad nod* I just went over there and saw what y’all are talking about, and I understand now.
"For love is strong as death." -GodDecember 10, 2021 at 2:12 pm #145319
Yeah. It’s hard, because inherently I am a pretty opinionated person, but…well….needless to say I probably shall refrain from reentering that argument for the sake of not forfeiting my Christian testimony, just because I want to get my point across. It’s a tough debate, and it’s hard being smack dab in the middle of both perspectives, because usually you get flak from both. *Shrug* it isn’t too important tho. I had fun, hopefully the others did, and I pray God was glorified in our, albeit a bit intense, friendly argument.
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