Stories and Fantasies
April 6, 2021 at 6:01 pm #128440Rebekah12@rebekah12
*tiptoes in* Interesting. . . *shrugs* I’ve got a fantasy WIP that I don’t mind sharing. I mean. . . writing’s going slow at the moment, but I’m also fighting my way through Chapter 56, so I’m probably pretty safe to share the beginnings now 😉
Critique welcome! I have about zero idea how to edit, so. . .
Waves crashed upon the deck of the vessel, and the worn boards were awash with sea foam. Thunder rolled.
The girl at the rail paid no mind to the flashing of the lightning, or the whirling winds, or the driving rain about her, or the sea spray in her face, or the shouts of the crew. All of the other passengers were belowdecks, but not she. The air was frigid, but she did not wrap her cloak, which was dark in color, and so tattered that it was a wonder that it hadn’t fallen apart, tighter around herself.
Her black hair, which was flecked here and there with a vibrant dark green and deep blue, and brightened into a fiery red at the ends, where it curled slightly, had come free from where it was tucked inside her hood, and blew about her face, and her eyes, far more keen than any human’s, were set like jewels upon her delicate face.
The girl’s eyes were a curious thing; they were mostly blue, but not the sort of blue found in flowers or ocean or sky, or anything else in creation. It was a lovely, deep blue, the sort that might be made if the blue-black of the night sky, and the green-blue hues of the sea were mixed together. Indeed, they looked as though they’d been washed by the ocean’s waves. Sparkling stars of silver and of a vibrant royal blue were scattered through the night sky of the iris, and flames of red and gold flickered at the edges.
A boy of seventeen or so pushed open the hatchway, emerging onto the soaked and slippery deck. He let the hatch fall behind him, and pulled his oilskin tightly about himself as he approached the girl, at last coming to a standstill beside her.
The rain lessened, and a rainbow emerged from the faded silver of the mist.
At first, the boy said nothing; then, as the sun emerged from behind the clouds, he spoke. “Are you ready, Elli?”
The girl’s eyes searched the distance, at last alighting upon Shul’s coastline. Her sharp ears picked out, even from that distance, the sound of the Dragon’s roar. She closed her eyes, searching, for a moment, within her mind. Then, opening them, she took a deep breath and nodded. “As I’ll ever be, Akrios.” She turned to face her companion. “Are you sure you want to do this? There are other ways. . .” she trailed off.
The boy met her eyes without wavering. “Aye, I’m sure.” He looked ahead again. “If that thing wants my sister, he’ll have to deal with me first.”
“You’re my mission.”
“Then finish it. ’Cause I’m with you to the end of the line.”April 6, 2021 at 6:10 pm #128444Crazywriter@crazywriter
Hey guys I’m so sorry I haven’t been active. My family is in the process of moving, and it’s really tough this time around. So please forgive my negligence. I shall endeavor to continue to write.April 6, 2021 at 8:17 pm #128480
No problem! I know how moving is. 🙂 Welcome back!
"For love is strong as death." -GodApril 6, 2021 at 8:18 pm #128483
I read your story, and it looks awesome (plus great cliffhanger – and Chapter 56?!? That’s AMAZING!! My longest WIP is 23. XD). I’ll critique when I have time. 🙂
"For love is strong as death." -GodApril 9, 2021 at 10:15 am #129314
Alright, let’s try this again
Ada Warin was beautiful in a wild, hunted way, almost as if she were a faerie fawn in the guise of a girl. Her narrow face was sharp and fearful. Trepidatious. It was framed with waist-length knotted brown curls that tangled in the lightest breeze, and shaped by high angular cheekbones and a delicate little chin. Her mouth was small and mute. It was often pressed into an apprehensive, anxious line below wide, deerlike eyes. Frightened eyes. They had a look of wariness and suspicion about them, perhaps even terror. They were wild eyes, hunted eyes.
Her faerie face was balanced on a long, thin neck. That neck was perched between narrow shoulders on an equally narrow frame. Her limbs were long and willowy, as were her hands and fingers. The nails at their tips were naturally pointed and clawlike and added to the air of ferality about her. Her feet were narrow, delicate, with high well-curved arches. She tread lightly, with a nimble step and easy, skittish grace.
At the moment those wild, hunted eyes were focused intently on the girl before her as her slender fingers traced intricate swirling patterns on the stonework she sat upon.
Nadia Fabian was an Eya gypsy minstrel, and Ada’s constant companion. She was confident and calm when Ada was frightful and shy and in appearance they were less alike than not. Her skin was nut brown in color, marking her Kidarin, with long sinuous limbs. Silky black waves fell to the middle of her back. The long ebony tendrils were kept out of her face by a colorful card-woven ribbon tied at her nape. Nadia’s face, much like others of her race, had a square jaw and broad forehead. Her lips were full and often upturned at the corners in a small wily smile. Finally her brows were arched loftily above narrow, half-lidded eyes at a catlike slant. The irises were such a dark onyx they were almost blacker than her hair.
While Ada stared, Nadia sat relaxed on the low wall and sang of old legends in a voice like spiced honey. Her eyes were lazily half-open and contented, almost sly. The morning, though wintry, was bright and clear and where the girls rested on the old masonry was warmed by the sunlight. Below them the Ironflow River gurgled merrily through the ravine on its journey down the mountainside. It was a cheerful melody to accompany Nadia’s dulcet words.
Then a shout rang down the mountain.
"Remember, you go nowhere by accident. Wherever you go, God is sending you." - Rev. Peter R. HaleApril 9, 2021 at 12:26 pm #129373
I’d appreciate your input too, Kimmi
"Remember, you go nowhere by accident. Wherever you go, God is sending you." - Rev. Peter R. HaleApril 9, 2021 at 8:23 pm #129527MelancholicWriter@melancholicwriter
LOVE Wingfeather Saga!!!
"Courage is found in unlikely places." JRR TolkienApril 10, 2021 at 12:19 am #129572
Esthelle grabbed a basket and a small pouch of coins intending to go to the market.
She pinned back some of her long dark red hair, and placed her shawl loosely over it, wrapping one corner over her shoulder. She picked up the latest book she had started, a history about Mallea, it was quite interesting. She placed it in her basket and headed for the door.
“Essie?” Her older cousin called from somewhere inside the small home.
“Yes, Mrodi?” Esthelle’s voice was a quiet one as she replied.
Her cousin appeared at the door to the kitchen. She was still in her uniform for the King’s Guard. Mrodi was slim and tall. Her light carrot-colored hair was pinned up out of her way.
She smiled, “Are you going to the market?”
“May I join you? It’s been ages since we went together.”
Esthelle nodded again. “Of course.”
The two left their home, and walked together along the cobblestone streets.
When Esthelle’s parents had been taken, her cousin, who had been sixteen at the time, and an initiate in the King’s Guard, took Esthelle in and raised her.
Esthelle was so grateful for Mrodi and loved her so much. She didn’t want things to change. The small house with the warm kitchen with its wonderful smells and Esthelle’s library with all of her many books. Mrodi having her posts to be at, Esthelle staying home and tending to the house, and reading in the window seat. She loved it all.
Esthelle saw Mrodi tuck her necklace, a small clear crystal on a string of leather, in her shirt, and she was reminded to do so with hers. The small crystal was cyrrail, which strengthened the powers of a Lepai. Both Esthelle and Mrodi were Lepai.
A Lepai was a humanoid creature, just like a human, but with red hair and blue eyes, and in their true forms a white symbolic swirling pattern on their face and hands. They had many different magical abilities, such as sensing others’ emotions and invisibility.
Lepai were hated in Lattea, most often killed or “taken away” as Esthelle’s parents had been. This was why they hid the cyrrail.
As they neared the village, Mrodi tugged Esthelle to a stop. She gestured to the market.
A squad of the Kings Guard was there, and townspeople were confused and running around the market.
“Essie…” There was caution in Mrodi’s voice, “That’s not just the Kings Guard, that’s the Royal Guards of the palace. They are the highest ranking, and most honored.”
One of them was heading in their direction.
“Mrodi..” Fear tinted Esthelle’s soft voice.
“Shh…” Mrodi replied.
The guard was upon them. He first turned to Mrodi, and noting her uniform, he gave her a salute, which she returned.
“What is all this about?” Mrodi questioned.
The guard didn’t answer, instead questioned her, “What is your age, lieutenant?”
Confusion flooded her face but she answered, “I am in my thirtieth year.”
He nodded and glanced at Esthelle, but still spoke to Mrodi, “I’m afraid you’re too old, but I’ll have to take her, she’ll do.”
Both girls’ faces switched to alarm,
“what?” Mrodi asked.
The guard had already taken Esthelle by the arm, he whirled around and looked at Mrodi, “did I stutter, lieutenant?”
“No, sir.” Mrodi replied. She quickly took Esthelle by her other arm and whispered Lepaian in her ear. “Kow gon adi nonai hone nea era.”
Do not tell them who you are.
A strict command which she cannot disobey. Mrodi kissed her cheek and pulled away, letting go of her arm and allowing the guard to lead Esthelle away.
"If your goal is purity in heart, be prepared to be thought very odd." -Elisabeth ElliottApril 10, 2021 at 7:01 pm #129794Rebekah12@rebekah12
@skylarynn (love the name btw)
Ooh! Cool! Must track! *sits down quietly in the corner to wait for next chapter, then gets up again and begins to search and see if there is a next one that I simply overlooked*
Interesting. Very interesting. *adds it to the list of stories that must be tracked*
Thanks! Yeah, as you can see, I’ve been working on my WIP for a while. Since sometime mid-to-late last year, I think. . . *shrugs* IDK when exactly I started, to be honest. I really shoulda marked that on my calendar. . . OR DID I!? *makes mental note to check and see*
“You’re my mission.”
“Then finish it. ’Cause I’m with you to the end of the line.”April 10, 2021 at 7:04 pm #129795
I may continue and post more of it later…. hmm
"If your goal is purity in heart, be prepared to be thought very odd." -Elisabeth ElliottApril 10, 2021 at 8:28 pm #129820
Since you asked politely:
As was her nature Ada first jumped at the call and whipped around, looking every which way. Her blue eyes were wide and startled at the sudden noise. Nadia turned slowly to look up the steep cobbled street that ran winding along the river, her brow creased slightly in confusion. Her lips were still parted for a story now forgotten.
More shouts floated down in the breeze. Ada tensed, listening. She frowned and bit her lip, a furrow creased into her forehead and her brows knit together. Her eyes were filled with worry.
Beside her Nadia continued to stare up the street. A muscle twitched at her temple and her mouth was now pressed into a thin, firm line. She was clenching a corner of her pink scarf. Sinews tightened beneath the skin of her hand, taut as lashing cords. Her knuckles paled white. The gypsy mumbled under her breath, just as likely a prayer as a curse. Ada did not seem to hear her.
“Wyvern!” The call came clear down the mountainside, accompanied by other shrieks of fear and panic. “Wyvern from the Heath!”
- This reply was modified 5 months, 2 weeks ago by Skylarynn.
"Remember, you go nowhere by accident. Wherever you go, God is sending you." - Rev. Peter R. HaleApril 11, 2021 at 4:54 pm #130075Mischievous Thwapling@mischievous-thwapling
Nice to have you join us!! (Rebekah, chapter 57??!! *grins at you* W.O.W) I’ll try to critique in a bit (perhaps today or on Tuesday). And @skylarynn, yay, nice! I love how nicely you incorporated the critiques from earlier. *nods* I really like it and the new bit you posted! (As I said, I’ll try to critique later 🙂 )
"I threw stones at the stars, but the whole sky fell."April 11, 2021 at 6:22 pm #130111
@mischievious-thwapling Thanks! I’ll post another later tonight maybe.
"If your goal is purity in heart, be prepared to be thought very odd." -Elisabeth ElliottApril 11, 2021 at 6:45 pm #130124
So, last time I did one of these, I got completely overwhelemed trying to critique everyone’s stories. So this go-round, if y’all are okay with it, I’ll just pick two or three to follow so that I can critique those as well as I can instead of giving you hasty and probably inaccurate ideas. Sorry if that hurts someone’s feelings. :/ I think I’m gonna critique @skylarynn’s story (since I already started) aaaaannnndddd *thinks hard* @rebekah12’s, since I already told her I would eventually. But I’m still keeping up with your story, @emma-walker (good to have you with us!) and @anyone-else-who-happens-to-join. 🙂
I love it too!! And your quote is AMAZING. I used that one before I began using the one I have now. Who’s your favorite character from LOTR?
"For love is strong as death." -GodApril 11, 2021 at 6:58 pm #130129
First off, that is SO intriguing!! I can totally envision the slick deck and pelting rain. Your descriptions are vibrant and your dialogue realistic. But before I go rattling off, how detailed of a critique would you like?
Concerning description and stuff, your revised version was much better!
Nadia sat relaxed on the low wall and sang of old legends in a voice like spiced honey.
I loved that simile! Well done!
Did you change your plot, though? I though Alexander fell into the river? *shrugs*
Anyway, for the second installation, good job!! I liked how you switched between Ada and Nadia. Be careful how often you do that, though, or you give readers whiplash as they jump between people. 😉
Her blue eyes were wide and startled at the sudden noise.
Wait, her eyes are blue? You described them as “deerlike” in the last section, which I now see must mean wide and scared like a deer’s, but when I first read that I thought they looked like a deer’s in color and shape too. *shrugs* This is more just commentary than critique, though. It’s not at all important, so feel free to ignore it!
One more not-very-important-thing-since-I-can’t-find-major-mistakes-in-your-writing: you used the word “call” twice to describe the sound coming from the mountainside. Maybe try using a different word once? Once again, it’s no big deal, just something I noticed. 🙂
*arches eyebrow* Wyvern? Interesting… and familiar… post more please! 😀
"For love is strong as death." -God
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