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Fantasy Writers

Stories and Fantasies

Viewing 15 posts - 151 through 165 (of 199 total)
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  • #126678
    Skylarynn
    @skylarynn

    @joelle-stone

    Thanks!  My mom’s description of how I write is that almost every sentence is ‘this, this and this’ and I think I still haven’t fixed it…:’D

    "Remember, you go nowhere by accident. Wherever you go, God is sending you." - Rev. Peter R. Hale

    #126683
    Mischievous Thwapling
    @mischievous-thwapling

    @joelle-stone

    Hey, thanks for having me! I think that in a bit I might post a story on here… but it’ll probably be choppy at the endings because I’ll be posting snippets–the chapters are actual chapter-lengths, so it’d be soooo rude and long to post the whole thing on here, lol.

     

    I’ll get to critiquing sometime today! Excellent stories, y’all!

    If your dreams turn to dust... vacuum.
    ~Author Unknown

    #126703
    Joelle Stone
    @joelle-stone

    @mischievous-thwapling,

    Sounds good!! Thx for coming!

    • This reply was modified 2 weeks, 3 days ago by Joelle Stone. Reason: Got the tag wrong. Again. XD

    "Lacho calad! Drego morn!"

    #126806
    Mischievous Thwapling
    @mischievous-thwapling

    Okay…. Here we go.


    @joelle-stone

    “Alone, except for a wild animal or two.” Rhea replied,

    Unless I’m confused, which I’m very well might be, I’m pretty sure the period after “two” is a typo. I think it should be: ‘…animal or two,” Rhea replied…’

    ________

    “I’ve got an idea,” Rhea answered

    Okay, so this might be because my brain is all tired and sluggish right now, but I had to reread the “I’ve got an idea” part a second time to understand it with the rest of the sentence. You see, at first I thought Rhea meant, “I’ve got an idea!” as in she had an idea for something to do or whatever. It might just be me, but I would suggest changing it to something like: “I do have an idea…. etc.”

    ____

    (Also, I second Cathy’s critiquing XD)

    I loved the story! It was really really intriguing, and I can’t wait until you post more! *significant raising of eyebrows in “subtle” hinting*

    @everyone else:

    Sry, I gtg for now–will critique later!

    If your dreams turn to dust... vacuum.
    ~Author Unknown

    #126811
    Joelle Stone
    @joelle-stone

    @mischievous-thwapling,

    Whoops, I forgot that one. I wrote this when I still didn’t have it down that what the person says and how they said it are all one sentence, so I fixed that when I put it in here, and it looks like I missed one. Thx for pointing it out!

    And thx for the critique!! All advice is helpful. 🙂

    "Lacho calad! Drego morn!"

    #126813
    Joelle Stone
    @joelle-stone

    Sry, this clip is quite a bit longer than the other. This is a flashback, basically. It’s about Nayandi’s father, Charles (yes yes, I know, terribly common name, but I can’t think of anything else, ha ha) and the events leading up to the sisters’ walk through the forest. 🙂

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    They [meaning Charles and Naldiel, Nayandi’s Elvish mother] had already had a son together. According to Elvish tradition, Charles named him first. He called him Runaha, which roughly translated into the common tongue means ‘land son’. Then Naldiel gave him his Elvish name, which was not to be revealed to him until it was time. The name was Nérelda.

    When Runaha was only a year old, his younger sister came into the world. Charles named her Nayandi, while her mother gave her the Elvish name Lárawen. Naldiel died in an accident nine months later.

    Charles grieved with his two children, but took up the responsibility of raising them alone. A year later he married again, this time to a human named Arianna. Together they had three more children. Their firstborn was a girl they named Rhea, then a boy named Thomas, then another daughter named Jade.

    Many years passed pleasantly. Neither Runaha nor Nayandi knew they had any other mother than Arianna, nor that they were half-Elves, nor even that Elves existed outside of fairy tales and old legends. Still, Nayandi dreamed of crossing the wide ocean and finding lands beyond.

    On Runaha’s twentieth birthday, Charles decided it was time for both of them to find out who they were. He took his oldest children aside and told them of Elves, of Naldiel, of their Elvish names. Of their choice.

    “Children, as half-Elves you have a decision to make,” he said, his blue eyes icily serious. “To become a complete and mortal Man, or to become an Elf and never face death unless you grow weary of your many years or are felled in battle or another terrible accident, as your mother. Think carefully.”

    Runaha stared into his father’s face, his own countenance a mixture of shock and disbelief. His reply came slowly, and Nayandi waited for it. “I believe we have another mother, Da. We look quite different than our siblings. But an Elf? They are myths.” His tone of finality made it clear what his choice was.

    “You have your mother’s genes, do you not?” Charles countered. “Your sister has the long hair of an Elf-maid, and  you both have pointed ears.”

    “It is nothing,” Runaha scoffed. “Our ears are more pointed than those of Men, but not enough to consider us Elves. Nayandi can have long hair, that doesn’t make her Elvish!”

    “Nayandi?” Charles turned to his daughter. “What about you? Do you believe I speak the truth?”

    Nayandi hesitated. True, her hair reached almost to her knees. True, her ears were pointed, though not as much as she had imagined an Elf’s would be. She longed to believe that the old tales were true, and that such races as Elves, Dwarves, maybe even creatures such as dragons existed. And yet she couldn’t just throw away her old life.

    “I… I don’t know,” she murmured. She looked into her father’s eyes, trying to discern if he was telling the truth, teasing them, or if his aging mind had finally broken. Suddenly, a bright flash of an uncharacteristically reckless idea sprang into focus. “Da, if you are in earnest, then surely you know where the Elves dwell. Runaha and I could search for them. If they aren’t to be found, then we will choose Mankind, for if there aren’t Elves, how could we be Elvish? But if we discover the Elves, then we can make our own choices, knowing that this is indeed the truth.”

    Runaha broke in. “Don’t be so hasty, sister. I don’t want to go trekking all over the world looking for a myth. Even if Elves existed in the past, they aren’t here anymore.”

    “Exactly!” Nayandi cried triumphantly. A rare smile spread across her lips. “They aren’t here. Why couldn’t they be elsewhere? Do you know where they live, Da?”

    Charles sighed. “Yes, but it is a difficult journey for a maiden – fraught with danger. Even with your brother by your side, I would fear for your life.”

    “We can succeed. I must discover the truth before I make such a life-changing choice. Do you not think that wise?”

    “It is to be considered, certainly, but not to go questing for. Change your mind, daughter. It is too dangerous for a lady.”

    “Don’t be hasty,” Runaha said. “Who said that I’d go with her anyway? I don’t believe in Elves, and I don’t wish to waste my time, my resources, possibly even my life searching for them. It is foolhardy.”

    “You wouldn’t go with me?” Nayandi asked, turning her dark eyes on her brother.

    “No.”

    That decided it, then. “I will go by myself.”

    “No, Nayandi!” Charles raked his gnarled fingers through his graying hair, clearly agitated. “I don’t know if you would even find the Elves, for I  have never been to their domain before, only heard what Naldiel told me.”

    “I know, Da, which is why I need you to help me. Just repeat to me what she told you. Please.”

    Chalres sighed, knowing he was beaten. “You are sure?”

    “I am.”

    “Then…” He hesitated. Nayandi’s eyes sparkled. “The Elvish lands lie across the Sea. I must say that there aren’t just Elves there, but Dwarves, Men, and no one knows what other folk. I don’t know what you will encounter.”

    “Where across the Sea?”

    “To the west. But no Man  has ever set out on the Great Sea to cross it and returned!”

    “Perhaps it is what they found there that made them long to stay,” Nayandi mused, turning her ideas over in her mind.

    “Or perhaps they met with trouble on the sea and drowned,” Runaha replied bluffly. “I’m leaving. If you must go on this quest, Nayandi, then say farewell before you leave.” He strode off, whistling a jaunty tune as if nothing had conspired.

    Nayandi was about to follow him when her father placed a hand on her arm. “Your mother gave you and Runaha Elvish names. Yours is Lárawen.”

    Nayandi was silent for a moment, her face unreadable. Her next words came out as a whisper. “What does it mean?”

    Charles shrugged. “I never asked. I do know that your brother’s name and yours are in the High Elvish tongue. Few still speak it, as it is used only with rituals and poems. I’m sure many Elves still know it, but no Dwarves that I know of and only a few of the Men.”

    “Then why name us in that tongue instead of the Elves’ mother language?”

    “I don’t know. Naldiel never spoke of it, but I wondered if she was a High Elf – one of the Noldor.”

    Nayandi thought about this for a moment, then asked, “What is Runaha’s Elvish name?”

    “Nérelda.”

    “Nérelda,” Nayandi repeated slowly to herself. “Thank you, Da.” She gave him a small smile and ran to catch up with her brother.

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    Kinda choppy, sry about that. Critiquing welcome!

    "Lacho calad! Drego morn!"

    #126822
    Mischievous Thwapling
    @mischievous-thwapling

    @joelle-stone

    No prob! 🙂

    Niiiiiccceeee! Very very cool. I don’t have time to critique right now (I did read it tho) so I’ll return to this in a while (probably right before our meeting) XD

    If your dreams turn to dust... vacuum.
    ~Author Unknown

    #127258
    Mischievous Thwapling
    @mischievous-thwapling

    @joelle-stone

    Time for some critique! (not that that was easy, considering I had to read your post several times before finding anything I had suggestions about XD)

    He called him Runaha, which roughly translated into the common tongue means ‘land son’.

    Now, I’m not 100 % sure about this, but I’m pretty sure the “roughly translated into the common tongue” part is an invisible adverbial clause, like when you have an invisible “that” (dependent clause) clause. See, I think there’s an invisible “when” after which. So, in light of this, I’m like 99 % sure it should be:

    “….which (comma), (when–invisible) roughly translated into the common tongue (comma), means ‘land son.’ ”

    I might be wrong–it’s your call 🙂

    ______

    Naldiel died in an accident nine months later.

    Is the accident revealed later? Like, is it some sort of mystery to the reader for a while?

    _____

    Suddenly, a bright flash of an uncharacteristically reckless idea sprang into focus.

    *thinks there should be no comma after suddenly, but then is unsure whether “suddenly” modifies only the verb or the entire sentence* Erm… *thinks more* *finally decides that I’m not certain enough to give you advice* *shrugs*

    ____

    “Perhaps it is what they found there that made them long to stay,”

    OOhhh I love that line.

    ____

    Yaaaaay loved it! 😀 *is impatient to read more, but will not push you to post it because I know your life can be pretty crazy* 😛

     

    If your dreams turn to dust... vacuum.
    ~Author Unknown

    #127262
    Joelle Stone
    @joelle-stone

    @mischievous-thwapling,

    *is impatient to read more, but will not push you to post it because I know your life can be pretty crazy*

    *contemplates how I just rear-ended my first car before my older sibling, just like everyone predicted* Yurp. XD

    And thx for the critique! I actually elaborated on the accident in the first draft (if I remember right), but cut it out to keep my length down. 🙂 You, Madam President, are the President of Grammar. *sweeps you a bow* My great thanks. 🙂

    "Lacho calad! Drego morn!"

    #127271
    Mischievous Thwapling
    @mischievous-thwapling

    @joelle-stone

    AHHHHh! Praying for you!! Rear-ending, uh oh.

    LOL XD Madam President was delighted to help you with tricky annoying grammar stuff 😛

    If your dreams turn to dust... vacuum.
    ~Author Unknown

    #127273
    Joelle Stone
    @joelle-stone

    @mischievous-thwapling,

    Yeah, thankfully it wasn’t bad at all from what we could see (just some cosmetic stuff on the other car and a crack and cosmetic stuff on our already-beat-up one). The worst part was that it was the car of my favorite librarian. NOOO!!! YOU CAN’T REAR-END A FAVORITE LIBRARIAN!! IT’S AGAINST THE RULES!

    I think I’m still processing that. XD You know how people always stress not mixing up your brake and gas pedals? They’re totally right. 😛

    "Lacho calad! Drego morn!"

    #127280
    Mischievous Thwapling
    @mischievous-thwapling

    @joelle-stone

    AHHhhhhhhh! FAVORITE LIBRARIAN NO!! *calms down* In all honesty, though, I’m glad it was mostly cosmetic!!

    Oof. XD Agreed.

     

    If your dreams turn to dust... vacuum.
    ~Author Unknown

    #128032
    Livi Ryddle
    @anne_the_noob14

    @joelle-stone Ah cool! I’ll keep this thread in mind! I haven’t had a whole lot of time to write, but I do have a short story I could use critique on at some point 😀

    “Enough! Be quiet! I can’t hear myself think! I can’t hear my teeth chatter!"

    #128040
    Joelle Stone
    @joelle-stone

    @anne_the_noob14,

    *thumbs up*

    "Lacho calad! Drego morn!"

    #128074
    Joelle Stone
    @joelle-stone

    Okay, I finally got around to it! Here’s another part. After this the flashback will be over. 🙂

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    Although Nayandi did her best to convince him to help her, Runaha adamantly refused to believe that Elves existed, or that there was much across the Sea. Eventually Nayandi was forced to give up.

    For days she formulated her plan, mulling over her past, doubting the reality, yet determined to find the truth. Even though Runaha had turned his back on his father’s words, Nayandi still dared to believe that it might, just might, be possible that her mother was the High Elf Naldiel.

    On a sunny morning, Nayandi was hard at work thinking about a way to make it across the ocean when she was swarmed by three questioning teens.

    “Nayandi!” cried Rhea, who was seventeen. “Da told us. Is it true? Are you and Runaha half-Elves?”

    “If you are,” put in fourteen year old Jade. “Then that means you can become an Elf. Are you?”

    “Da also said you are going on a quest!” added fifteen year old Thomas. “Can I come?”

    Nayandi looked silently at her siblings until they quieted. “First, yes, I am a half-Elf. Second, yes, I can choose to become an Elf if I wish, or to remain a mortal woman. Third, I want to go across the Great Sea and discover the truth about Elves. Do they exist? I don’t know.”

    “That was all about you,” Rhea replied, tossing her nutmeg hair out of her eyes. “What about Runaha?”

    “Oh, him.” Nayandi paused. “He has already chosen to become one of the Men. He won’t be coming with me.”

    “Can I, then?” Thomas asked, his blue eyes sparkling. “I’ve always wanted to go on a quest.”

    “When you’re older,” Nayandi replied firmly. “It’s far too dangerous for any of you. It’s too dangerous for me, to be honest, but I must go.”

    “I’ll come with you, Nayandi,” Rhea said, grinning.

    “Count me out!” Jade cried. “Quests are uncomfortable, miserable, and full of sadness. If you all want to go, fine with me!” She flounced off, shaking her head.

    “Neither of you can go,” Nayandi repeated. “I can’t afford to lose you.”

    “And we can’t afford to lose you without knowing what happened!” Rhea’s eyes flashed, and she put her hands on her hips. “If there are two of us, one of us stands a chance to escape, if something happens.”

    “If there are three there’s even more of a chance!” added Thomas. “Please, Nayandi.”

    The door slammed with a bang as Jade rushed back inside. “Everyone, come quick! Da can’t breathe!”

    Everyone dashed outside, Nayandi in the lead. She skidded to a halt by where her father was lying on the ground, gasping and clutching his chest. “Da!” she cried. “Thomas, go get help. Now!”

    She watched her brother whirl and charge away, then turned to her father. His blue eyes were watery and he grasped her hand tightly.

    “Nayandi,” he gasped. “Lárawen. Daughter.” He coughed, gasping for air. “Go on your quest. Find the Elves.” Choking again, he managed to rasp out a few other words. “Land…way. Safer…longer…southwest.”

    Jade stifled a horrified gasp as Charles’ breathing slowed and he closed his eyes.

    Arianna fell ill with grief. (This is an inside joke, sry if it doesn’t make sense.) Runaha took care of Charles’ burial, and visited every day. Nayandi and Rhea did their best, but over a few months Arianna worsened. The most skilled physicians were brought in, but they said there was nothing they could do. Arianna didn’t even try to get better. “Just let me die,” she would moan over and over as Rhea bathed her feverish forehead. “Just let me see my husband again!”

    As might be expected, Arianna went the way of all mortals four months after Charles. Runaha, who was living on his own, took everyone in, but soon after Nayandi was ready for her quest. Her heart hurt, but she knew that doing something would ease the ache. This was her topmost priority.

    Southwest there was a land passage, her father had said. Or, she thought he had meant that. A land bridge across the ocean, most likely. She was willing to look for it.

    Only a couple weeks after Arianna’s death, Nayandi readied herself for her journey. She was an excellent archer and could use a sword well. She strapped her scabbard to her back, with the hilt peeking out behind her left shoulder. Her quiver, well stocked with sure arrows, hung on her back over her other shoulder. Her bow she carried in her hand. She had flint, a map, and a few provisions, all in a satchel, but not much else.

    She was checking her supplies in the predawn light when Rhea came out of the house. She was carrying her two daggers and a sturdy bow. “I’m coming with you.”

    Nayandi didn’t try to persuade her to stay, but smiled on the inside. “It will be difficult,” she warned.

    “I’m still coming,” Rhea replied stoutly. Suddenly her face broke into her typical grin. “I’ll help you remember your Elvish name. What is it?”

    “Lárawen,” answered Nayandi, a ghost of a smile appearing on her lips.

    Dawn broke, throwing the shadows of the two sisters, closer in bonds than in blood, far out in front of them.

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    *cringes* Oof, yeah that’s really bad (and the worst death scene I’ve ever written. Come to think of it, it may be the only death scene I’ve ever written. Huh). All critique welcome!

    "Lacho calad! Drego morn!"

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