Ninjanaria chapter one
April 26, 2020 at 1:28 pm #110991Eitan@eitan
I hope you don’t mind if I jump in here with a few thoughts.
It’s all okay!
if you like to write and have a burden to minister to people through writing, that’s a pretty good indication that it’s God’s will for you to write.
I agree, I probably haven’t explain myself correctly. It’s a good idea to write to some extent, but a novel is a very big project, and it’s likely that God wants Beth to wait with it, until she’ll have more experience with life, God and writing (I know that it was the case with me, so I speak from my experience – I acknowledge that it isn’t necessarily the case with everyone, of course).
As long as you’re writing, you’re practicing and growing and improving in your writing (as long as you recognize and try to improve your mistakes).
Again, I agree, but writing a novel is much more than a practice – it’s a whole project that takes a few months, maybe even a whole year. I think it’s a good idea to ask God before starting any big project – maybe his answer is ”not yet”. Not everything we think is God’s will is actually his will – just remember the leper that was healed by Jesus and told everyone about him, against Jesus’ command.
Maybe it’s not the best storyline and you might need to fix it up a bit for it to work (or scrap it entirely), but you should still write it. Remember, God uses weak and imperfect people to accomplish His purposes.
I totally agree! 😀
My point is different – before starting a huge project like writing a novel, it’s always good to pray about it. Maybe God don’t wants her to write it right now.
And God can use even the incorrect way we’ve chosen for ourselves to bless us. From my experience I can say that even though it appears that God wanted me to wait with my novel, he used my stubbornness and want to write to bring me to this forum (which’s a great place, and my only way to talk with Christians of my age).
In conclusion – none of us can tell you whether you should write or not. Seek God’s will for you – in such cases it might be different for each person.
You don't need to see the wind itself in order to hear the rustling leaves.April 26, 2020 at 2:36 pm #110992
<p style=”text-align: left;”>@Eitan</p>
Thank you as well! I will post the second chapter soonly (after I edit it!) lol!
Jominkreesa! For the weirdos who know what it means! 😉May 6, 2020 at 3:22 pm #111746May 8, 2020 at 6:30 pm #112003
You did a really good job!! Here are a few things I would fix.
When someone is talking or thinking you don’t have to put it on the next line. Before you get confused, let me explain
Your first paragraph is good and then you have:
Looking at the house, Jered sighed,
It would have been a majestic house in the 1800s.
You can make it;
Looking at the house Jared sighed. It would have been a majestic house in the 1800s.
Does that make sense? You can have the character mentioned just before they talk or think. Just like how you had: Jered smiled, at least we have a big property.
You did this a lot but try to keep all the characters actions, thoughts, words on the same line.
The part about mother figure. You said mother figure so many times, maybe just say mother for a few of them? It wasn’t horrible or anything, just something to think about.
Hopefully, she’s right. Jered looked around at the happy faces of his family. It doesn’t matter what the house is like, this is what matters.
You can put that all on one line. It’d be like saying “Hopefully, she’s right.” Jered looked around at the happy faces of his family. “It doesn’t matter what the house is like, this is what matters.”
Maybe introduce Aclabar some other way than putting him in parentheses?
That woke him up a
littlebit, “Oh cool, let’s go down to the lake,” he suggested. (You can put it on the same line. And maybe take out “little”)
Jered glanced behind him making sure Ana wasn’t lagging behind. Tim was running ahead,
Maybe say it like: Jared watched Tim run ahead and then glanced over his shoulder to make sure Ana wasn’t lagging behind.
Jered slowed down and grabbed Ana’s hand, “Come on, you can do it,” he encouraged. (Can be on the same line.)
Tim stopped, “Oh,” he said disappointed and sat down on the grass. You can put this on the next line but put Tim’s actions all together
Tim brightened up a little, “Yeah who said it wasn’t swimmable?” He said laughingly and started for the pond
Maybe instead, Time brightened up and laughed as he started for the pond. “Yeah who said it wasn’t swimmable?”
Jered headed down the hillside after him, “Wait up I want to see how deep it is first!” he called. But Tim was already waist-high in the muddy water.
Overall you did really good! It was very well written.
If you have any questions about what I said please don’t hesitate to ask me to explain it better.
I hope my comments helped you. Again, you did really good. Also this is your story, so if you don’t like anything I said, you can completely ignore me and I won’t be offended. 😉
If you think you are too small to make a difference, try living with a mosquito.May 8, 2020 at 6:32 pm #112004
I don’t know why, but I can’t view page two. So if I made a mistake in my comments, sorry cuz I can’t edit it. I couldn’t view page two earlier either. Hopefully this isn’t a giant problem and will go away in a bit.
If you think you are too small to make a difference, try living with a mosquito.May 8, 2020 at 8:28 pm #112022
Hey for some reason I can’t get to any other page but page one on any fantasy group post! 🙁 So I can’t read what you said! Sorry. Maybe you can post it on yours or my profile and just tag me so I can read it!
Jominkreesa! For the weirdos who know what it means! 😉May 8, 2020 at 8:40 pm #112024
Sorry, you were to late. I already put it on my intro page. I still can’t view the second page….but I can leave a comment. I tried doing what you said as well. Still didn’t work.
If you think you are too small to make a difference, try living with a mosquito.May 21, 2020 at 10:36 pm #113260
Here is the first chapter of my story! Don’t read the actual post scroll down in the comments till you see my revised version lol!
Jominkreesa! For the weirdos who know what it means! 😉May 22, 2020 at 12:36 am #113303Gracie@kimlikesart
It was really good Beth! I thought you did a really good job juggling all the different siblings. No suggestions as of now. I can’t wait to know what happens next!
Passion means to be willing to suffer.May 22, 2020 at 3:29 pm #113498
Thank you! Can’t wait to read something of yours *hint hint* XD
Jominkreesa! For the weirdos who know what it means! 😉May 29, 2020 at 8:48 pm #114092Mel@melodyjoy
Hey! Great Job with your story!
I only had one comment (except for the fact that it’s amazing :)) :
I feel like sometimes when you put something in parentheses, it doesn’t need to be in parentheses… I hope you know what I mean. Sometimes commas would have been better in the particular spot.
Life is short, smile while you still have teeth!May 29, 2020 at 9:20 pm #114099
Haha yeah, makes sense!
Jominkreesa! For the weirdos who know what it means! 😉June 1, 2020 at 5:32 pm #114200
Here is a revised version (again lol) of my chapter! I don’t know if you wanted to read it or not. Also tagging you just in case! @thedarkninja03
Chapter One: Disappearing Act
It was late summer and the leaves swished contentedly in the soft breeze. Jered Martin stood outside his house, listening to a frog croak in the nearby lake.
His mom was in town applying for a job. He looked at his watch. I hope she’ll be home soon. I’m starving!
Just then, his 11-year-old brother, Tim, came crashing out of the house. “That sister of ours sure is something!” he said, slamming the door.
Jered smiled to himself. ‘Something’ hardly did her justice. Spunky, carefree, argumentative, sassy. The list could go on and on, was more like their 8-year-old sister Ana.
“What did she do this time?” Jered asked.
Tim snorted, “What does she do any time?!”
“She took all my hot wheels out of my bedroom and hid them under her bed,” Tim said, throwing his arms in the air.
“That was because he made fun of my princess shirt,” came an indignant voice behind them.
Jered turned around and regarded his younger sister with growing amusement.
“I see,” he said. “You should give them back Ana.”
“Alright,” she mumbled reluctantly, and sticking her tongue out, walked inside.
Tim followed her a little warily.
As the two walked in, Keren, walked out. “What was all that about?” she asked.
“Nothing, just a little quarrel.”
Keren sat next to him letting out a sigh. “It feels so good to finally sit down!” she whispered.
Jered felt bad for his 16-year-old sister. His mom always trying to find work, was never home. Leaving Karen to watch them.
Which meant she had to prepare the meals, and really keep the house together.
“If Mom gets this job, she won’t be gone as much. And you can have a break.” Jered said.
She smiled “I sure hope so.”
Jered heard the rumble of an approaching car engine and looking up, saw their mom pulling into the driveway. “Thank goodness,” he said, rising to his feet.
He helped Karen onto her feet and gave her a reassuring smile.
“Keep your fingers crossed.”
Jered pushed his chair back from the table. They had just finished a delicious dinner of tamale pie.
He made eye contact with Karen then addressed his mom,
“How did your job interview go?”
She smiled, “Good, I think. The man was very pleased since I’ve done this type of work before.”
“So you think you’ll get the job?” Karen asked.
“I think I might,” Mrs. Martin said.
Karen smiled clearly pleased, Ana laughed, and Tim reached over the table to give their mom a hand five.
Jered surveyed the happy scene, proud of his family. With everything they’d gone through they had persevered through it all.
His mom had stayed hopeful, supporting her family, even when her husband died. His siblings had stayed supportive of their mom, even when all they knew and loved was taken away and they moved to Colorado.
Even when they were forced to move into the middle of nowhere, into a house with a flooded basement and missing stairs to the attic. A house with broken upstairs windows and a creepy outhouse in the back.
It doesn’t matter what the house is like, or that the outhouse is probably haunted. This is what matters.
Jered walked upstairs heading for his room. The dishes had been done and now he was ready for his bed. He didn’t even bother to change his clothing. Yawning, he contentedly dropped onto the soft blankets and fell asleep…
Two men stood on top of a tower looking down on the landscape below. “Sire?” one man inquired apprehensively. He knew his leader was in a bad mood but needed to have this conversation.
“What is it Ethan?” answered the other man. He was a tall man dressed in a robe of black. His shoulder-length hair streaming out behind him in the wind.
The shorter man cleared his throat nervously. “We have to move the troops out sire.”
He paused waiting for an outburst but was emboldened when none came.
“The ninjas will only get stronger if we wait any longer. They are already gathering their forces. All your wizards are lounging about and not paying attention to the need at hand!” he finished determinedly.
Aclabar whirled around to face him. Grabbing his throat he growled menacingly, “Don’t you ever disrespect my wizards ever again, they will gather and attack when I am ready.” He smiled. “Do you understand?”
“Yes, sire” Ethan choked out.
The grip on Ethan’s throat loosened and he fell to the floor gasping for breath. Aclabar turned away, “I can have another man replace you as general, if that is your wish?”
Ethan’s body stiffened.“No sir.”
Aclabar smiled. “Good.”
Jered sat up in bed, sweat glistening on his temple. He glanced at his clock,
He groaned, his head hurt.
Images of his dream flashed into his mind. But he remembered little.
The next morning, Jered was sharply awakened by shouts of laughter drifting from the stairwell. Then Ana suddenly appeared heading for his bed. He sat up quickly.
“Okay okay I’m awake,” he said.
Ana gave a squeal of laughter and pounced on him anyway.
“It’s already 9:30, mom said I had to wait to wake you, till at least 9:30. We’re all waiting for you!”
“Get out and let me get dressed,” he grumbled.
Five minutes later, Jered walked downstairs. Ana came up to him and grabbed his hand pulling him towards the door. He looked questioningly at Keren. “What is this all about?”
She smiled. “We’re going to explore today.”
Her words sent an exited chill down his spine and suddenly he didn’t feel as tired.
“Oh cool, let’s go to the lake,” he suggested.
His mom hurried in handing each of them packets of food. “For lunch,” she explained smiling.
“Thanks, mom,” he said, taking his packet.
“We’ll be home before dark!” Keren called as they tumbled outside.
Jered glanced behind him making sure Ana wasn’t lagging behind. Tim was running ahead. “Hurry, we’re almost there!” he called.
Jered slowed down and grabbed Ana’s hand. “Come on, you can do it,” he encouraged.
Rounding the last corner, Jered realized the “lake”, was only a small muddy pond.
Tim stopped. “Oh,” he said disappointed and sat on the grass.
“That pond is so muddy we can’t even swim in it!” Keren said dismayed.
They were all hot and had hoped for a refreshing swim.
“I don’t know,” Jered said. “But maybe it’s still swimmable.”
Tim brightened a little.“Yeah, who said it wasn’t swimmable?” He said laughingly and started for the pond.
Jered headed down the hillside after him. “Wait, I want to see how deep it is first!” He called.
But Tim was already waist-high in the muddy water.
Suddenly Tim shouted out and disappeared into its murky depths!
Jominkreesa! For the weirdos who know what it means! 😉June 1, 2020 at 5:41 pm #114205June 1, 2020 at 10:44 pm #114228Gracie@kimlikesart
April 25, 2020 at 4:21 pm (I just read that one. I like your edits, it was much easier to read than the first one.) (: Very good!
I’m guessing they fall into that black-robed guy’s world. (sorry, I don’t remember his name.) 🙂
Going on to chapter two…
Passion means to be willing to suffer.
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