Ninjanaria chapter one
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Oh so you didn’t read the one I posted today…? lol The one I posted today is the most recently edited!
Yeah, Aclabar? 🙂
Jominkreesa! For the weirdos who know what it means! 😉
Sorry I’m late with this. It’s definitely easier to read. Good job with the edits! I just have a few comments to make:
First, try to show instead of tell. For example, instead of saying that their mom is out looking for a job, show it through the characters’ dialogue and thoughts. Like, you could have one of the kids ask if Mom is home yet, and through another character’s explanation, the reader would learn that their mom is looking for a job.
Secondly, in the dream, the character actions seem a little unrealistic. If Ethan knows his commander is already in a bad mood, would he really insult his wizards so bluntly? To me, it would seem more realistic to have him hint that the wizards are lazy, or diplomatically say it in the way that isn’t outright offensive. But this also depends on your characterization. Maybe you intended for Ethan to seem like a blundering underling who says too much. (no offense to your character! :))
And also, maybe Aclabar’s reaction is a little over the top. He seems like the cold, calculating sort of villain who wouldn’t waste energy lashing out at some soldier who talks too much. Or if he did, he would do it in a more subtle and sinister way. But again, it all depends on your characterization. Maybe you intended for Aclabar to seem over-reactive and short-tempered. I don’t know enough about him to say anything for sure.
These are only suggestions, so you don’t have to feel like you have to take them. Great job with improving your first chapter!
Okay cool. Thanks!
Thank you! Those are helpful tips! Aclabar, is just over the top mean, and Ethen is his general, so Ethan feels like he’s allowed to say things like that, and Aclabar doesn’t care lol! XD
Jominkreesa! For the weirdos who know what it means! 😉
Ah, ok. That makes sense! 🙂
Jominkreesa! For the weirdos who know what it means! 😉
Here is the first chapter of my book, Ninjanaria! Don’t read the original post read the revised version on the second page! 🙂
Jominkreesa! For the weirdos who know what it means! 😉
Did you read the revised chapter one? I feel like the first chapter is REALLY important…but I can’t seem to make it…perfect lol!
Jominkreesa! For the weirdos who know what it means! 😉
It’s excellent! Great job. The only problems that were left to fix:
1) If you want to include Jered’s dream, he should remember it. Don’t include details the POV doesn’t know.
2) The last line should end with a dot, I think. The exclamation mark looks… strange.
3) There were some problems with punctuating, I recommend you to go over the text, perhaps using the Mr. Jenkin’s guide I sent here.
4) Between ”sections” of the chapter, you should put a double spacing or something.
That’s everything I had to say. Go over it and see what you have to fix. In conclusion, great job! It’s a huge improvement from the first draft.
You don't need to see the wind itself in order to hear the rustling leaves.
I also revised chapter two. You could read that one. But don’t feel pressured! 🙂
Jominkreesa! For the weirdos who know what it means! 😉
As far as the showing not telling thing. Is this better?
He looked at his watch. 6:30?! Why is her job interview taking so long? I hope she’ll be home soon. I’m starving!
It’s not dialogue but it still works right…? XD
Jominkreesa! For the weirdos who know what it means! 😉
1) If you want to include Jered’s dream, he should remember it. Don’t include details the POV doesn’t know.
Jered sat up in bed, sweat glistening on his temple. He glanced at his clock,
2:01 AM.
He groaned, his head hurt.
Images of his dream flashed into his mind. He felt like it was supposed to mean something. But he couldn’t imagine what.
He rolled over and went back to sleep.
Better?
Jominkreesa! For the weirdos who know what it means! 😉
Jominkreesa! For the weirdos who know what it means! 😉
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