Caseybold

@kristianne-hassman

Wow!  That was amazing!  I only spotted a couple of things that won’t take long to fix.

Kristianne Hassman wrote:
Breathe, I tell myself. In and out. In and out. My heart calms and I lean back, closing my eyes.
Maybe you could use italics to distinguish her thoughts for readability’s sake.  If you decide to do that, then ma…[Read more]

@kristianne-hassman

Wow!  That was amazing!  I only spotted a couple of things that won’t take long to fix.

Maybe you could use italics to distinguish her thoughts for readability’s sake.  If you decide to do that, then maybe you could scan the manuscript and italicize her other thoughts for consistency.

Maybe a synonym here?

Again, re…[Read more]

@kristianne-hassman

Wow!  That was amazing!  There were only a couple of things I noticed.

Maybe you could you italics just to make her thoughts clearer.  I think the readability would be easier.

There are two “help” words in this, so, for readability’s sake, consider using a synonym for one or the other.

I know this leads the reader on…[Read more]

I’ll read and have critique by today or tomorrow.

For future reference I suggest posting a Google Drive or similar link so you can take your story down after you’ve received advice. You don’t have any ability to delete or edit an SE post after a short initial period.

@eitan

No, you’re good!

I’m so sorry about the POV! I tried to put a break whenever it switched, and got rid of a lot of thoughts several people had… Do you think I should just leave out Rachel’s part or something?

Hebrew words,.. I changed all Eloha to G-d.

I like the idea of the nick-name. I will have to think of one. I am embarrassed, (to…[Read more]

Awesome!! Will read this soon!

@kimlikesart

I think it’s a better idea, so people can comment on each chapter without comments being confused.

@eitan @beth20
<p style=”text-align: center;”>~a time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted~</p>
<p style=”text-align: center;”>II</p>
Joab ben Elizer, of the tribe of Judah owned a large, one roomed home with a wide guests’ courtyard in Bethlehem. It was a small, though not unimportant t…[Read more]

@eitan

Oh! Do you want me to start a new topic for every chapter?

@eitan

I’m sorry you had to start over. 🙁

Okay, pre-prologue has disappeared. 🙂  The Roman scene it is.

I watched the video you linked, and might again. (:

Another, smaller problem I had with the pre-prologue is the POV. As a general advice – don’t use omniscient POV.

So, you likely don’t want me to do this in the prologue (: First chap…[Read more]

Oh, I wrote a whole comment and then the electricity fell…

Your writing is really good! Descriptions, punctuation, etc., you do it great. Good job!

You’ve also portrayed good the relationships in the family. Malachi sounds like a real elder brother, and I say it as an elder brother 😉

The main problem with the pre prologue is that……[Read more]

@beth20

I think this is the one you already read. *embarrassed look* I haven’t edited yet. Sorry.

I’ll make sure to read this lol!