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  • Eitan replied to the topic Chean’s Story Chpt. 2 in the forum Historical Fiction Writers 5 years, 12 months ago

    @kimlikesart

    Your prose is great, and the chapter is very good. I think you portrayed the time era very good, and I loved your subtle references to the Bible – The covenant of David and Jonathan, and Boas – the godly, not quite poor man, that take scare of a young woman / girl without a family. Maybe it was totally accidental though, but I still loved it 🙂 And both of those characters are connected to Bethlehem, after all!

     

    My critique:

    Hmm… You use omniscient POV and Hebrew / English terms and names, again…

    It’s not correct to refer to Ben Elizer as a surname, because it’s a patronymic. Maybe you should invent for them a nickname? Maybe they live next to the old oak of the town, so they’re called ”Oldoak”, or something like that? Or just refer to them as ”Joab’s family”? By the way, the correct form of the name is Eliezer.

    The main problem in the chapter is that it seems to end too… closed. Chena receives a home, and we also know that she has a future loving husband – As much as a story about looting, orphanage and death can have a ”happy ever after”, your story has it. There’s no real conflict left, no motivation to continue reading…

     

    That’s everything. In general, the chapter is good, and I’m really sorry if I offended or hurt you in any way.

    • Heyo, just so you know my email is acting up…I can’t see new messages at this point…or send anything.

      • Ok, I’ll send it here.

      • Hi!

        Hmm… I’m not sure. I’m pretty sure I have such things, but I can’t think about such right now… What about you?

        Something I really admire in my secular friends is their tolerance. Even though we disagree about so many things, they tolerate and love me. Many people call themselves ‘’tolerant and progressive’’ when they’re so far from it, but they really stand behind their words, and don’t treat me differently because of my views.

        I remember I had a debate with one of my friends once (they’re all atheists), and he said that I don’t bring any evidences for the existence of God, except of circular reasonings – and that’s false, because I’d brought many logical arguments – and then another friend of mine interfered and said – ‘’I disagree with Eitan, but Stefan, you’re a hypocrite. Eitan brought many logical arguments for his claim, you brought none’’. Being willful to defend your opponent when needed, and to fight lies and demagogy even when they ‘’support your side’’, is honorable.

        What about you?

        I’m studying it for three days, and will continue studying for the next 2-3 days 🙂 It’s a long psalm, and I want to ‘’uncover the gold’’ that’s hidden deep in the psalm, not just to scratch the surface. I currently ended verse 31.

        A few of my thoughts and meditations about the psalm (I have almost 15 pages written about it, I’ll take only a few points I noticed)…

        Verses 1-3 contain many names for God, and at first look, it’s tempting to just view them all as synonyms of the same point. But in closer look, you see how they all describe God’s love and faithfulness from slightly different points of view, and so, deepen our understanding of it.

        My strength – David survived 20 or so years of persecution, and finished them as a wiser, better, godlier man, only due to God. He gives us the strength to stay faithful and obedient, and not to fall into sin. A holy life is possible only through dependence on His strength.

        My rock – It immediately reminded me of Jesus’ parable about the house on the rock. You can climb to a high, strong rock when a flash flood comes in a desert valley, and it’ll save you from sinking. Just like that, when we lean on God and His love, faithfulness, power and promises, we can safely pass through crises. We will not sink in depression, because He gives us joy, peace, and a hope for a better, perfect future.

        My fortress – David was a warrior and commander, and he knew that a small force that will quickly be slaughtered in an open-field battle, can hold a fortified castle and defend it from a much larger army. Just like that, God uses weak, small people, and with His strength and power, they can remain faithful and obedient even when huge crises come, and overcome them.

        My deliverer – God save us from falling in sin, through our conscience. He tells us when we go in a bad way, so we’ll quickly repent, before the sin is completed and gives birth to long-term pain and sorrow. Not to talk about the very fact that God himself redeemed us in His blood! (The Hebrew word is more of a ‘’rescuer’’ than ‘’deliverer’’, so the association of the gospel didn’t come to my mind when reading).

        My shield – Just like a shield doesn’t revoke the pain of the blow, but keeps you from any serious injury, so God gives us hope, peace and joy even when we suffer. A blow stopped by a shield might leave a bruise that will be healed in a few days or weeks, but without the shield, you might lose your arm or leg, or even die. Just like that, with God, the pain and sorrow are temporal, and will soon be healed, and don’t leave any long term harm in our souls. Without God, the same crisis will be much more painful, and much more dangerous.

        The horn of my salvation – The horns of the bull are his pride and honor. Just like that, God is our honor – He is the only source of our worth and value. We are not worthy and valuable because of our deeds, or because of another human’s opinion, but because of God’s eternal, uncredible love.

        My stronghold – The original Hebrew word is derived from the word ‘’high’’. From a high hill, you can see far and clear. Just like that, with God, we can look beyond our current struggle, to our eternal future with Him, and get hope, joy and peace from this knowledge.

        What are your thoughts and meditations about it?

        I thought about it, and I decided that the loving and faithful thing to do is to read your book and critique it. Feel free to send me one chapter a week, with God’s help I’ll find time and brain to help you 😉

        Favorite landscapes?… I love mountains – desert mountains, snowy mountains, forested mountains, everything. Looking from the high top, seeing the wide, beautiful view below me, feeling the breeze, and thinking – I did it! And mountains are much more beautiful than plains – change my mind 😉

        Goodbye!

        ~Eitan 🙂

    • Oh, I got that one last night. (: I also replied to it, (Not sure if it went through).

    • I sent you an email from my dad’s email. (:

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