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Oh, I wrote a whole comment and then the electricity fell…

 

Your writing is really good! Descriptions, punctuation, etc., you do it great. Good job!

You’ve also portrayed good the relationships in the family. Malachi sounds like a real elder brother, and I say it as an elder brother 😉

 

The main problem with the pre prologue is that… It’s unnecessary. I’ll ask you a brutal, but important, question:

I read a book, and the first few pages are about kids playing, and than meeting their father, and than eating soup… Why would I continue reading?

The first chapter must grab the reader, so he will read the entire book. You need to have a hook – a question the reader wants to know the answer to, or a general statement he might agree or disagree with. The hook must occur in the first few paragraphs, sooner is better. A useful video about writing first chapters.

By the way – a prologue is there to deliver information you can’t deliver in the first chapter. You don’t really have a prologue in your book – which is perfectly fine!

Personally, I think that you should start your book right from the scene with the Romans attacking Chena’s house. It’s much more interesting and grabbing beginning.

 

Another, smaller problem I had with the pre-prologue is the POV. As a general advice – don’t use omniscient POV. As much as I know, readers don’t like it. It’s better you use Chena’s POV (and, thus, more childish language), what will also help you developing her character. I recommend you Jerry Jenkins’ article about mastering POV – you can find it in google, and I’mnot sure I can add more than one link to the comment…

 

Two small notes:

1) I’ve already said it before, but it’s better you not use Hebrew when not necessary. It might confuse the readers. And by the way, people here spoke Aramaic, not Hebrew 😉

2) I somewhat embarrassed to say, but – frogs are amphibians, not reptiles… Sorry if I insulted you, I’m sure you know it and I by no means think you’re stupid.

 

That’s it. Waiting for the next chapter! 🙂