-
Ella replied to the topic Short Story: A Chance of Hope in the forum Contemporary Fiction Writers 5 years, 10 months ago
Wow! That was amazing! I only spotted a couple of things that won’t take long to fix.
Breathe, I tell myself. In and out. In and out. My heart calms and I lean back, closing my eyes.Maybe you could use italics to distinguish her thoughts for readability’s sake. If you decide to do that, then maybe you could scan the manuscript and italicize her other thoughts for consistency.
The helplessness of not being able to help someone.Maybe a synonym here?
The neurologist hands him a form. “Then we’ll need you to sign this consent form.”Again, repeated words in back-to-back sentences. Consider a synonym?
I nod. “Of course. But what can I do?”I think maybe a little more confidence on Amber’s part, unless that goes against her mood.
I suddenly feel like the breath is being squeezed out of me.Maybe more showing, to make the reader feel what Amber’s feeling. (E.g. ‘I inhale, but no breath fills my lungs. I dig my nails into my palms as panic hits me like a tidal wave.’ Ok, that was terrible, but you get the idea…? 😊)
My thoughts shift to the woman from the park. “You know,” I say to Ruthie. “There was this woman in the park earlier.“Woman in the park” is mentioned twice. Consider a synonym?
Lastly, to add a bit of consistency and finality, you should tie up the ends by stating how winter never wins.
Overall, though, that was so good! You definitely have a good chance of winning. 👍
Article Categories
