Stories and Fantasies
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so my book I’m writing right now is boring so i’m not going to bore anyone with that (I keep writing it because I promised myself I would and my friends want to see the end) so I will share the prologue for the next book I’m going to be writing
Prologue
When I stepped into the room, fashionably late as usual, I first laid eyes on what I thought to be the hottest guy ever created. He caught my eyes and I blushed. A little smile flitted across his face. This guy was so hot. I quickly made my way to an empty seat, far from hot guy. Partway through the game, which I did not understand or see the point of, we were told to go find new seats. I went to a corner and sat between a couch and chair, against the wall and hidden from view. Hot Guy came and I found out that it was his seat and he always sat there so I moved to the arm of the couch I had been sitting by. I was hot from the thought of sitting by Hot Guy. I wasn’t sure how to hold the object for the game. Hot Guy must have seen me fumbling around because he took my hand and wrapped his fingers around mine in the way I needed to hold the object, his hand holding my fingers gently, but firm. I flushed. Gently, I tried to pull my hand away but he didn’t let go. Instead he moved his hand into a more comfortable position on mine and grinned up at me. He didn’t seem to notice how sweaty my hand was from nervousness. I was in love. Love at first sight, so cliche, I know. Some time during the night I ended up sitting on the couch and Hot Guy moved next to me, and there was no Bible distance apart. Later that night I learned that his name was *(haven’t figured that out yet)
"Courage is found in unlikely places." JRR Tolkien
@emma-walker Thanks for tagging me! I really enjoyed the snippet you posted and it makes me want to read more. 😉 You did a good job making it unique! The fantasy element is super cool.
a flower does not think of competing with the flower next to it.
it just blooms.@claire-h Thank you!
"If your goal is purity in heart, be prepared to be thought very odd." -Elisabeth Elliott
Ack! Sorry I’ve been gone a while *has been wrapped in shiny-new-project syndrome and drove into burn out*. I’ll probably be gone for a while yet, although I mean to drop in and read posts still. Sorry, good luck to y’all! <3
*whoa I’ve missed so much* *must read all these NOW* *(the rest of my brain; NOOOOO)*
*Actually isn’t sure anybody still remembers me here i’ve been gone a while XD*
To be a light to the world you must shine in the darkness.
OF COURSE WE’VE MISSED YOU!!
@Everyone:
Okay, good to know! (About your critiquing preferences)
Okay, critique. Um, you never mentioned where the main character and the other guy are, or what the main character’s name is, or anything for readers to go on. Do you get into that later, since this is a prologue?
Also, yes, I know you acknowledged (In the character’s POV) that the “love at first sight” thing was cliche, but it feels a bit too cliche for me, y’know? The two didn’t even talk, and the guy was already holding her hand? It kinda seems like the two love each other just because of their appearances, nothing goes deeper than that…
So, yeah, main point: I felt confused reading it. (So sorry if that sounded blunt! It’s hard for me to honestly critique over the internet)
"I threw stones at the stars, but the whole sky fell."
Critique time!! The beginning of your story feels a little a little abrupt, but that might be just because you wanted it to start fast paced?
You do a really great job of portraying Esthelle’s confusion!!
And that ending to your first post of the story? The Do not tell them who you are part? Such a cool cliff hanger!! Cannot wait to read more 😀
"I threw stones at the stars, but the whole sky fell."
I notice you use the same phrase “creasing her brow.” It felt slightly repetitive.
I love your cliff hanger ending, and how you smoothly portray Nadia as a… *thinks of word* kinda someone who looks out for Ada? Am I interrupting that correctly?
Sorry this critique is short–I’m just not finding any “problems” in y’alls wonderful stories XD (And I’m behind, so it’s kinda a brain overload, haha)
"I threw stones at the stars, but the whole sky fell."
Note: Suggestions are in bold
The air was frigid, but she did not wrap her cloak, which was dark in color, and so tattered that it was a wonder that it hadn’t fallen apart, tighter around herself.
This sentence feels a little wordy, so maybe you could reword it to something like: “…. but she did not wrap her extremely tattered, dark-colored cloak tighter around herself.” Or something like that, anyway 😀
Her black hair, which was flecked here and there with a vibrant dark green and deep blue, and brightened into a fiery red at the ends, where it curled slightly, had come free from where it was tucked inside her hood, and blew about her face, and her eyes, far more keen than any human’s, were set like jewels upon her delicate face.
This is sentence above is kinda long and confusing, so maybe something more like: “Her black hair, which was flecked here and there with vibrant green, brightened into fiery red at the ends, curling slightly. It had come free from where it was tucked inside her hood and blew about her face. Her eyes, far more keen than any human’s, were set like jewels up on her delicate face (love that simile btw).”
I LOVE how you describe her eyes, btw!! And that cliff hanger ending… please post more!
"I threw stones at the stars, but the whole sky fell."
@mischievious-thwapling
it does, yea, I was debating on doing a bit of her and Mrodi’s normal lifestyles before, but the story is already going to have a bunch of stuff-ness packed into it, although that’s not much of an excuse lol. I guess it may seem a bit boring at first if I did that, idk.
thanks, *tries to remember how I wrote it* I may or may not have tried to imagine how I’d feel in that situation. Can’t remember tho..
and thanks!
"If your goal is purity in heart, be prepared to be thought very odd." -Elisabeth Elliott
Yes, Nadia is someone who looks out for Ada.
~*~
Casting a wary glance at the fettered sky, Nadia slipped her hand into Ada’s. “We ought hurry,” she half-whispered, then forced a shy smile across her mouth. “Elsewise we would be late.”
Ada again nodded, slower this time. Following Nadia’s lead she stepped down from the ravine wall and they began making their way up the steep cobbled street as others scurried about in an increasing panic. Screams and shouts still echoed down the slope. Nadia could sense Ada’s growing unease, the way her hands trembled and her step turned skittish. Nadia knew the little faerie fawn was an empathic creature. The first hint of someone else being afraid, Ada’s pulse would double its tempo. That was why Nadia could not let it show that her own heart was racing. She quickened pace to a harried walk and they soon crossed under the portcullises of the second outer gate.
Another thunderous rattle chased along the heavy iron chains above them. Ada balked at the sudden sound and nearly bolted down the street, but Nadia held her hand firmly. She gave the girl a reassuring squeeze and quickened step again, this time to a swift half-skipping pace. They pushed their way through the crowd clogging the third gate and entered the outer bailey.
By now panic was rampant through the ranks of Ironstorm’s citizens. They had scattered, some fleeing homeward, while many ran in search of shelter elsewhere within the castle. Shouts rang and echoed between the hard stone walls. Guardsmen not on duty hurriedly donned their arms and armor and raced towards the citadel. Their compatriots upon the walls were making their way towards the far side of the battlements, where the towering donjon rose clear of the heavy chain netting. The side where the castle keep stood.
The girls were ushered through the gate with the disquieted throng to the inner bailey. Now they could view the draconic aberration perched menacingly on Ironstorm’s walls.
"Remember, you go nowhere by accident. Wherever you go, God is sending you." - Rev. Peter R. Hale
Ya this is just a really rough draft…I have to figure out the guys name and that comes in in the prologue, but nothing else…the cliché part becomes more understandable later when she gets dumped in a fantasy world and meets a prince (aka hot guy in the beginning) and they may have talked I’m not sure at this point but I didn’t want to add dialog to my prologue if you get what I mean…
"Courage is found in unlikely places." JRR Tolkien
Here’s the next part for my story
Chapter one
I don’t know how I got here, I just woke up one day. My name is Mercedes Louis Benz. Ya, my parents, wherever they are, named me after a car. That was back on earth where they did have cars. Here travel is unicorns and pegasus’, ya they’re real, and if you’re lucky you could persuade a fairy-yes they’re real too, don’t listen to what people tell you, I used to, and, um, I see they were wrong-to zap you somewhere. Oh are you wondering where this place is? It’s Genoa where dragons roam, don’t worry, most won’t eat you, and no modern day comfort exists. I can’t even wear pants, it’s all dresses and corsets here. I used to want to leave but now I don’t. I’ll rewind and tell you my story.
Tagging @claire-h & @skylarynn for critique
"Courage is found in unlikely places." JRR Tolkien
Thanks! Yeah, I guess I’m not really surprised that the long sentences were the problem. I generally end up using those when I’m describing stuff and my mind has flown of its own accord into Mystical Fantasy Mode. *takes your suggestions and puts it into effect*
Sorry for the delay in Chapter 1! It needed some unforseen rewriting, ’cause I wrote it last year, which was, like, SO long ago (LOL XD). But in all seriousness, the way I write has developed a fair bit since then, so I’m redoing it. Plus, I think I have a better idea how the event I’m describing via the uncle’s storytelling actually went now, whereas my last attempt was kinda vague (at least, I would say it is. or maybe I’m just being paranoid because no one other than my grandma has read my WIP yet, so. . .). *pauses a moment and considers if my first few chapters need to be slowed down a bit to match the pace of other characters in Part One*
I’m going as fast as I can, I promise!
Hwæt! Wē Gār-Dena in geār-dagum, pēod-cyninga, prym gefrūnon, hū õā æpelingas ellen fremedon!
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