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Moniker: @obrian-of-the-surface-world
Book Title: Excavatia: From Dust Arise (Book 1 of the Excavatia Series)
Audio Link: Chapter 8 – The Hill of Skulls – Scene 6 (Watchers in the Woods)
Duration: 3 minutes 43 secondsText: Words: (399)
Large, yellow-rimmed eyes watched, almost unblinkingly from the cover of the trees surrounding the property belonging to Begglar. A light breeze brushed through the mane of the tall, dense foliage, but failed to comb out the tangled and twisted, heart beating beneath a feathered half-human breast. It’s face was a dappled greyish-pink, fixed into a scowl, scored with the lapping shorelines of ages of waiting. Her large black talons dug vise-like into the lacerated branch that held her weight. Her shanks were covered in hammered metal collars that bore a wickedly sharp barb, arched downward, so that it would not cut her when she nested. The metal bands, however, bore a red-dust, that made her powerful, thick claws appear bloodied, though they were presently dried. The creature was quite pleased with the effect.
A susurration of wind stirred and sway the treetops covering her low warbling chirrups, as she both hummed and cackled at the oblivious gathering of the people below. She craned her ruffled neck, spotting her sister perched three trees away to the south.
“They’ve come together, at last,” she observed. “From shore to sea. The keeper of the Inn appears to be with them. Where to? Where to? Next things. Always next things.”
The shadowy feathered sister’s head bobbed in agreement, answering. “Girls going east, they are. But the company lingers. Wagon’s being loaded. Me thinks, they proceed to The Sacred Hill. Shall we fly to the stone-halled king?”
“Wait and see,” the first one bid her, “Wait and see.”
Her aquiline nose sniffed the breeze blowing to the clap of thousands of tiny leafed-cymbals. She could smell the salty brine of the sea upon its drafts, coming from the eastern horizon, and sense the degree of chill beginning to bite, and the air pressure drop in a slow but steady decline. A storm was coming. The girls were riding away into a sea-borne storm. And the others, unwittingly into a storm of steel and blades. The Xarmnians were coming for them. An hour, maybe more and they would ride abreast through the hamlet of Crowe, and seize this party of interlopers and end whatever hope and intentions that had brought them here. She couldn’t help but chuckle a little. Such gullible simpletons, these full-men had become. She was amazed that she had ever entertained the deep desires to become like them once again.
Brian Stansell (aka O'Brian of the Surface World)
I was born in war.
Fighting from my first breath.Hi Brian, it was cool listening to this piece! I liked it!
1. Is there anything that stood out to you as intriguing about this scene?
There was quite a sense of impending doom, it was quite interesting since I was wondering if the harpies (?) were going to attack.
2. What would you say the mood was of this scene?
Threatening, mostly.
3. What character(s) in this scene would you like to know more about?
The people that seem to be heading into danger! I’m curious about what happens to them.
4. Which character, if any, do you feel the most empathy toward in this scene alone?
The humans, definitely not the creatures XD
5. Which of the following, as a reader, do you wish I had developed more fully in this scene?
a. Setting
b. Character thoughts and motivations
c. Character appearance and/or mood expressions
Probably a and b.
Now, don’t get me wrong, you added enough of her thoughts, but not until the end of the scene. The entire first part is just a description, without anything to connect it to.
As for the setting, I think you could add a few more descriptors without going overboard with it. Just a few things to add to the mood. Tall trees, graying sky, the first few drops falling on her feathers, the rustle of wind through the trees like the patter of too many feet, stuff like that. I was quite lost until you mentioned she was on a branch.
6. Do you feel that the dialogue in this scene flows or is mechanical and stilted?
It was good! I liked the voices, they really worked!
7. Did you learn something in this scene that you wondered about in a previous scene?
I haven’t read any of your earlier scenes, so… nope!
8. Did this scene make you want to read more scenes? (Why or why not?)
Yes! I’m curious to see how it turns out and whether the harpies will attack. I assume so, otherwise, you wouldn’t tell it from their point of view.
9. Is there any part of the scene that you personally felt did not belong?
I think you could improve the structure of the scene just a bit 🙂
Your entire first paragraph is a massive description, which, although interesting, doesn’t tell us anything about the setting, or what’s going on.
I’d keep it, but move it and sprinkle in the details more slowly and with more movement because it felt like the story had paused.
I’d move the dialogue before the description, so you know they’re looking at people and you have a reason to become invested in the scene. The people are the interesting part of the scene, so try to keep everything connected to them. (Unless the harpy is a main character with a character arc, which I somehow doubt XD)
10. Is there a particular part of the scene that stood out to you as your favorite? (Why?)
The last few sentences! Where the harpy off-handedly mentioned that she was once fully human and that she had once wished to become like them again.
11. What, if anything, would you change about this scene to make it more interesting to you?
I already covered this above! Give the reader someone to become invested in, then threaten it. This might be different if the previous scene focused more on the presence of the humans.
12. Is there something in the author’s audio reading of the scene that you picked up on that you might not have noticed if you had just read the text alone silently to yourself?
I liked the voices, your reading was excellent and I really enjoyed it! The audio effects were good too, enough but not too much, I really liked it!
Without darkness, there is no light. If there was no nighttime, would the stars be as bright?
Moniker: @rose-colored-fancy
Book title: Gilded Blood (Man, that title is so cool!!) Book 1 of the Unnamed Series. XDChapter 2, Scene 1
Audio Link: Book 1, Chapter 2, Scene 1
Duration: 8:37
Text: 1490 words
Liorah
My best friend, Sahar, bounced with excitement, her skirt rippling around her ankles. She spun in a graceful dance step, enjoying the swish of the fabric.
The sunny yellow of her blouse complimented her dark brown skin and she wore jewelry like Mother wore decorum, plentifully and with careless grace. The flashing bangles, sparkling earrings, jingling anklets and bright colors would have overwhelmed me, but they looked perfect on her.
I straightened my kolye, the golden chain on my forehead that marked my rank. I hadn’t bothered with my few pieces of jewelry but if I didn’t wear this, Mother and Uncle might forget I was a part of the royal family too. Sahar wore hers, the violet glass bangle on a copper chain marking her as an Orme without the weight of a rank.
I tugged at my dress so the white outer dress didn’t get caught in the sash. I felt prim and gawky in the formal clothes, like the yearling foals that seemed in constant danger of tripping over their own too-long legs. Even the wide sash and full skirt of my white outer dress couldn’t create the illusion of a figure. The blue embroidery on the outer dress made my shoulders look ungracefully broad. Not that it mattered.
Sahar giggled as she looked down at her billowing purple skirts and the jingle of the embroidered sash encircling her waist. It accentuated her full curves in a most becoming way. She was having the time of her life and I couldn’t help but smile.
Even if this evening was going to be several hours of being forgotten more blatantly than usual, Sahar was here and she was having a good time.
My heavy braid slid off my shoulder, trailing down to my hips. I examined it to make sure the ribbon that held it together hadn’t come undone already.
I had asked Sahar to help me with my hair but refused her suggestion that I wear it up.
“You know it always gives me a headache if I wear it up for long and I’ll end up taking it down in ten minutes. My hair will look like a lion’s mane and I don’t think Mother will approve.”
Sahar had laughed and then helped me with a fancier braid than usual. The three narrow braids merged into one thick one, which was formal enough but still comfortable.
I scowled at a copper mirror, trying to see if my makeup looked right. At least that looked nice, I had a fairly steady hand and the kohl around my golden eyes was symmetrical.
Sahar spun to a stop, still giggling as she dizzily tried to regain her balance. Her inky curls bounced around her shoulders and a gleaming knife thudded to the ground next to her bare feet.
I couldn’t help grinning. Despite her bright sweetness, Sahar was not a prim young lady.
“Do I want to know?” I asked, raising an eyebrow at the knife. I wasn’t surprised, she usually had at least two throwing knives with her. I had thought she’d leave them today, but apparently not.
Sahar smiled even brighter.
“You should see how well it works! When I get cornered in a boring conversation, I just do this.”
She picked up the dagger and flipped it around in her hand with practiced dexterity. Her kohl-lined eyes widened and she tilted her head as though listening to someone making an astonished remark.
“Oh, these? I can hit someone in the heart from fifty paces. Would you like to see?” She told the invisible bystander, innocently.
I laughed.
“Does it work?”
Sahar raised her full skirts and slipped the dagger back into the scabbard strapped to the outside of her knee.
“Every time. With those Gitakan boys especially. They’re sissies when it comes to lethal weapons,” Sahar said, cheerfully.
“Acyn too?” I teased.
Sahar shook her head vehemently, her curls bouncing in every direction.
“Of course not,” she said, as though it was ridiculous to even think such a thing. “I tried it on him once, just for fun, and he went on a tangent about how the weight of the knife was of as much importance as the cutting edge and how to calculate the arc and angle based on weight and so on.”
“Li’ah? How have you two spent an hour getting ready?” Gavril’s voice came from the other side of the tent.
“You can’t rush perfection,” Sahar said, fluffing her curls and grinning in the direction of the curtain that divided the tent in two.
“It doesn’t matter how nice you look if you’re late,” Gavril countered.
“Says who?” Sahar retorted, as though the thought was absurd.
I giggled and pushed aside the curtain. Gavril fumbled with the strap of the bejeweled shamshir that had been Father’s. It was only worn on festive occasions, and it had been passed down through generation after generation of kings. The gold shimmered in the light from the oil lamp and the sapphires cast flecks of blue light on the ground.
He looked up, but went back to fiddling with the buckle immediately.
“I know, we’re breathtaking,” Sahar teased.
“If you say so,” Gavril said, absently. He hadn’t even noticed. He was more preoccupied than I’d expected. He was usually so composed.
Sahar skipped outside, her skirt billowing behind her.
I lingered.
“What’s wrong, Gav?”
It was a stupid question, I knew exactly what was wrong, but I wanted him to talk about it, if that would help.
Goodness knew, Mother and Uncle weren’t approachable.
He raked his hand through his hair, then straightened the loose sleeves of his coat again, for what might have been the hundredth time. The pattern of beaded pomegranates and golden vines twined across the deep red wool.
“I can’t do it. I’m not ready, and I’ll never be ready,” he said, his voice tight.
I couldn’t suppress a smile. If Gavril wasn’t, who was?
“No one’s expecting you to fix everything by yourself,” I said, trying not to sound sarcastic.
He finally stopped fiddling with his shamshir. His hands were trembling.
“I’ll make some irreversible mistake, or something will come up. One of the elders might try to usurp, there might be another spat with the Kezbes. I can’t handle that, I wouldn’t even know where to begin,”
“That won’t happen all at once, and I’m sure you can manage one at a time,” I said, “Besides, Uncle’s still here, and so are the ten elders. Despite your best efforts, even you couldn’t ruin the whole tribe.”
“Are you helping or making fun of me?” Gavril asked, a smile finally breaking through
“Both,” I said, cheerfully. “What could go wrong?”
I counted on my fingers,
“Stay on the horse, don’t get horse snot on your cloak, don’t trip over your sword, actually, don’t trip, period. And don’t stand staring at Nebiah the entire time, even though I’m sure she’ll look magnificent,” I paused. “Actually, there’s a lot that could go wrong. Can’t wait to see how much of it you can mess up, it’ll be hilarious and I’ll make sure you never hear the end of it.”
“You little pest,” Gavril said, affectionately.
I grinned, then pulled him into a hug. I felt the tension seep out of him. He would be a good king. Even his worries about failing confirmed it. He cared, like Father had.
“You ruined my makeup,” I said, swiping at my eyes dramatically
Gavril grinned.
“Serves you right.”
“Did you remember to get Kinneret ready?” Mother asked, entering the tent.
Every fold of her pink dress was exactly where it should be. The three golden chains on her forehead dropped to the shimmering sapphire. I had only one chain, as I was neither married nor widowed.
Gavril instantly stiffened again and I drew away.
“Yes, I saddled her.”
“Now let’s hope you didn’t put anything on backward like that one time—” I started,
Gavril shot me a glare that said I wasn’t helping and I grinned. I dearly liked annoying Gavril.
Mother gave me a cursory glance that almost cut me in its sharpness. I straightened my shoulders, expecting some remark about the wrinkles in my dress or how the embroidery around the neckline was slightly crooked.
“You look nice, dear,” Her face softened into a smile.
“Thanks, I suppose,” I stammered, taken by surprise. I couldn’t remember the last time she’d complimented me. Not that I’d been striving for it, why would I care?
Mother twitched an eyebrow.
“A princess does not end her sentences with I suppose. She either intends the remark, or she does not say it in the first place.”
I relaxed. This I could handle.
“You’re right, I suppose,” I said, tossing my braid over my shoulder and flouncing out of the tent into the soft twilight.
As I turned the corner, I heard Mother sigh and Gavril snicker.
~~~~~~
Yeah, welcome to Liorah’s dysfunctional family! XD
I think I might have started this scene too early. This entire first part feels a bit boring to me.
Also, please excuse my monotone reading in the beginning, it took a while to get back into it XD
Without darkness, there is no light. If there was no nighttime, would the stars be as bright?
Hey guys! I’m considering uploading a recording of my WIP extract, but first I would love to know where you get the music and sounds. And what recording apps do you use?
Hi Neasa,
To record, I use “Voice Record Pro” on my i-Phone. [The App is free in the App Store]
To edit the resulting file, I upload the recorded file to my MS One Drive and use a free program called “Audacity” to remove background noises, amplify the audio wave, create sound effects and modulate the vocals. Once the vocal track is “optimized”, with any long gaps cut out, I then add in the second wave line for any background sound-effects. The original line allows me to tag a label for cues where a sound effect might go, using Ctrl+B in the “Audacity” program. The second line, (which I’ll term the “effects line”) will need to have a length of silence on it so that you can insert the audio effect using a cursor point, near or aligned with the label tagged above on the vocal track. Once all the effects are added, I trim the excess “silence” so that it does not run beyond the end of the vocal track. I then use the sound mixer volume control to adjust the volume level of each line, with the vocal track being the loudest.
Last of all, I add in the music track, as the third line below the vocal and effects lines. Using the sound mixer feature, adjust the background music so that it does not overpower the volume of the first two lines. If you need to highlight and amplify part of the vocal track that may get lost when the music track increases, be sure to do that so that we hear the voice over everything else.
Here is the official site if you want to download it: “www.audacityteam.org”
Also check out their page: “www.audacityteam.org/download/online-safety-when-downloading/”
I believe Rose made some good recommendations about some sites she uses to get “royalty-free, copyright-free music”, but you can also do a search on YTube to get some as well.Brian Stansell (aka O'Brian of the Surface World)
I was born in war.
Fighting from my first breath.@irishcelticredflowercrown
Awesome! I can’t wait to hear your piece!You can pretty much use any recorder, I just used the standard recorder app on my phone. Anything you can export is fine!
Oh, your phone might record it in an .AAC file type and you need and MP3 to use Audacity, so I convert it via Convertio which takes literally a few seconds and works great!
I use Audacity too! It’s really good and I quite enjoy the process!
I believe Rose made some good recommendations about some sites she uses to get “royalty-free, copyright-free music”, but you can also do a search on YTube to get some as well.
That was actually Cathy on the last page, you can find her recommendations there!
I spent approximately an eternity looking for that exact piece I wanted, so I went through a lot of websites XD
Chosic.com has some great royalty-free music, that’s where I found the music I was looking for.
Looking forward to hearing your piece!! 🙂
Without darkness, there is no light. If there was no nighttime, would the stars be as bright?
Ah lovely thanks so much for the tips! I actually use audacity as well and I also have Adobe Audition which I use for college 🙂
_________________________________________
“The world is a book, and those who do not travel read only a page.”
~ St. Augustine
@irishcelticredflowercrown
@rose-colored-fancy
@bclarke
@joelle-stone
@this-is-not-an-alienSorry I haven’t responded in the last few days. Both my parents came down with Covid. My dad is back home and over it, but my mom is in serious condition in ICU on a ventilator, so I am not sure she will make it. God’s grace is meeting us here, but we are going through a tough time. My dad is a pastor and the church family has been such a blessing. I know God walks with us in the valley of the shadow, and adversity brings an awareness of our need for the Lord into a much sharper focus. If you can, please pray for my mom. I know she is ready to meet her Savior and Lord and so many of our family that have gone on, but it is a tough thing letting go.
Brian Stansell (aka O'Brian of the Surface World)
I was born in war.
Fighting from my first breath.I’m so sorry, I promise I’ll pray for your mother and for you and all your family. And I can ask my mom to pray for you too, she’s formation director at the lay Carmelite Order so she’ll probably add you to the prayer requests there! I pray things get better for you soon <3 *hugs tightly*
To be a light to the world you must shine in the darkness.
Brian,
I’m so sorry about your mother, all of you will be in my prayers. <3
Without darkness, there is no light. If there was no nighttime, would the stars be as bright?
Today, my Mom entered Life with no end. Today, she experienced peace everlasting. Today, we said goodbye for now, but we will see you again in a glorified body that is energized with God’s restoration. That leaps in Jesus’s arms and is hugged in everlasting arms with the precious wounds that purchased her glorious entrance into Eternity. Today, she embraces my little brother who has so waited to see his momma. Today, Mom realizes the depths of how much she is loved, both in Heaven’s glorious realm and on this earth below. Today, she is raised to walk in a Life unlimited. Unshackled by pain, or sorrow. Today she know the unspeakable joy, that God puts into all of the hearts that have yielded to Him in weakness, and find His strength bearing them up.
Welcome Home, my Precious Mom. Thank you for giving us the gift of your life of witness pointing us to eternal things, rather than the temporal. Thank you for the morning and evening prayers and the awesome way you told us and showed us you loved us because you loved Jesus most. Thank you for the lasting legacy and example. Thank you for loving God’s Word and engendering in us that same passion to hear and seek God’s voice. We love you so very much. Your life has been a candle in the dark lighting wicks to push the darkness back into the recesses where it belongs. Thank you for giving and loving. We miss you. ❤Brian Stansell (aka O'Brian of the Surface World)
I was born in war.
Fighting from my first breath.I’m so sorry. *swoops in with chocolate milkshakes* Let me know if there’s anything I can do! (Also I admire your outlook on this – I think a lot of people forget that, for Christians, death means life.)`
https://thepeninspired.wordpress.com
I’m so sorry, I’m glad she’s Home though, it’s hard to say goodbye even if they’re going to a better Place 💔💗💗💗
To be a light to the world you must shine in the darkness.
I’m so sorry! <3<3 My condolences to you and your family <3
Without darkness, there is no light. If there was no nighttime, would the stars be as bright?
My condolences <3
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