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Fantasy Writers

The Four Rebels chapter 3

Viewing 14 posts - 16 through 29 (of 29 total)
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  • #112100
    claire
    @claire-h

    @katja-r

    I totally will post some chapters! But right now all I have are previous drafts. And currently I’m plotting for another draft. It will be a lot different from what I have now. But I’m hoping to get to the writing part soon!! And I’ll be sure to let you know when I have a chapter done. 🙂

    a flower does not think of competing with the flower next to it.
    it just blooms.

    #112101
    Katja R
    @katja-r

    @claire-h

    Yay!!! I’m glad to hear that. Yeah, tag me when you do.

    For some reason I can’t get to page 2. The only way I know what you said is by the email…I don’t know why I can’t view it. 🙁

    -Katja

    If you think you are too small to make a difference, try living with a mosquito.

    #112102
    claire
    @claire-h

    @katja-r

    Same here! I can’t view the second page either… Weird.

    a flower does not think of competing with the flower next to it.
    it just blooms.

    #112128
    claire
    @claire-h

    @daeus

    We’ve been having some technical issues with this thread. None of us can access page 2 for some reason. 😕

    a flower does not think of competing with the flower next to it.
    it just blooms.

    #112163
    Kristianne
    @kristianne-hassman

    @katja-r

    I like Rydel a lot, and Selena too! She seems like the typical annoying older sister 😀 Great job with the character development and with connecting the first two chapters with this one. I can’t wait to see what happens next!

    “Sisters! She always thinks she’s so much more important than me. Just because she’s 10 months older than me.” 

    You’ll want to italicize all of this since they’re his thoughts.

    “She enjoyed rubbing in the fact that she was older than me.”

    Just a suggestion, but I think you could leave this out since you already implied this in his thoughts and in her words to him.

    “I would have beat her up all the time, but I would have gotten [get] in huge trouble for it.”

    “The town of Kalklyna. They…they were destroyed.”–should be “It was destroyed”

    “Dad was right [.] [W]e barely knew anything about the rebellion.”

    “[When] the next meeting that happens, your mother and I will discuss the possibility of you attending.”

    “We all were deep in thought when a knock at the door startled us all.” –take out one of the all’s.

    “I had remembered Ranwick faintly.”

    “I sighed, I wished [wishing] I could take part of the rebellion.”

    “If I had been thinking more than dreaming, I would have wondered how she got in my dream.”

    Once again, just my suggestion, but you could take this out and rouse the reader’s curiosity more.

    “Then the girl that had showed up in my dream popped into my head.”

    I feel like it might be better to clarify that these are his thoughts. Maybe something like, “Then my thoughts turned to the girl that had showed up in my dream.”

    “Braxton tells [told] us that before the city was destroyed Cavensburg’s best army commander was shot.”

    “When the girl shot him, he didn’t die right away. He waited until she left and he was able to contact Cavensburg’s headquarters to let them know about this girl before he died.”

    Again, this is just my opinion, but it feels a little awkward the way this is constructed. Here’s my suggestion to make it sound better, but of course, you don’t have to use it!

    “The girl shot him, but only fatally wounded him. After she fled, he was able to contact Cavensburg’s headquarters to let them know about the girl before he died.”

    “How could I have had a dream about someone I never met?”–should be a question mark at the end of the sentence, not a period

    Courage, dear heart.

    #112176
    Katja R
    @katja-r

    @kristianne-hassman

    Thanks for your comments. For some reason I can’t get to the second page on here either. Is this just me?

    I am glad you pointed those things out! I will fix them as soon as I’m free!

    Thanks again!

    -Katja

    If you think you are too small to make a difference, try living with a mosquito.

    #112179
    Katja R
    @katja-r

    @beth20

    What did I say that was weird? I don’t remember and can’t see it. Lol.

    -Katja

    If you think you are too small to make a difference, try living with a mosquito.

    #112183
    Katja R
    @katja-r

    @beth20

    Lol. No, I thought you were saying I said something weird. Haha. I had let Josiah know about the glitches, but he might not have had a chance to look at it yet.

    -Katja

    If you think you are too small to make a difference, try living with a mosquito.

    #112185
    Katja R
    @katja-r

    @beth20

    Hopefully he will be able to fix it soon!

    -Katja

    If you think you are too small to make a difference, try living with a mosquito.

    #112234
    Katja R
    @katja-r

    @abigail-rebekah

    Third chapter.

    -Katja

    If you think you are too small to make a difference, try living with a mosquito.

    #112459
    Livi Ryddle
    @anne_the_noob14

    @katja-r

    Woooaaahhh I like it!! 😀 And hmmm what’s going on with Alyce in Rydel’s dream?? Interesting bunch of things for me (and all readers) to be thinking and wondering about 😀

    “Enough! Be quiet! I can’t hear myself think! I can’t hear my teeth chatter!"

    #112588
    PurpleTurtle
    @purpleturtle

    @katja-r
    I have really enjoyed reading the chapters of your book! The one thing I noticed was at the beginning it said:
    The gun fired and I leaned forward in my saddle.
    After the previous chapters, when you said the gun fired, it gave me the impression that someone was shooting at them, so I was a little confused when they started talking about racing. You could say:
    The starting gun fired and we were off, I leaned forward in my saddle. I had to win.
    Other than that and the things the others pointed out, I’m really enjoying reading your book!

    "It is not the strength of the body that counts but the strength of the spirit" ~ J.R.R. Tolkein

    #112630
    Arindown (Gracie)
    @arindown

    @katja-r

    Sorry it took me so long.😉 I really liked this part also. Good job.

    Btw I really like the name Rydel. I have Rydal as a last name in one of my stories…but I never considered it as a first name.

     

    Not all those who wander are lost.

    #112660
    luciusbraun
    @theswordinthebook

    @katja-r

    I really like your story so far! Keep up the good work!

    I think your writing style is great, and your dialogue is good too! However there’s one little thing I want to point out.

    Your transitions from scene to scene, are a bit rushed.

    “Remember what we have told you needs to be kept a secret. Even if you think or know someone else is part of the rebellion. These things are only discussed in private by the leaders of the family or leaders of the rebellion.” We both nodded, then got up for dinner. I lay in bed that night thinking about Ranwick and his city. I didn’t know much about either of them, but I wanted to know more.

    Ir just feels a tad rushed when they go to eat dinner, then suddenly, Rydel is contemplating thoughts in his head. Maybe something like, “After dinner, I lay in bed…”

    Hope this helps! Also, I hope I don’t sound judgmental or anything! Sometimes I come across like that, and I don’t intend to at all. 🙂

    I can’t wait to read more, and thanks for tagging me by the way!

    ISTP. Check out my art instagram @smudge_viel Fueled by my family, friends, and lots of tea.

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