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The Four Rebels chapter 3

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  • #112006
    Katja R
    @katja-r

    @arindown @wolverinerm @emberynus-the-dragonslayer @claire-h @beth20 @theswordinthebook @melodyjoy

    Here is Chapter 3 of The Four Rebels.

    Chapter 3: Rydel

    The gun fired and I leaned forward in my saddle. I had to win this race. As my horse got faster I could feel the wind blowing my hair. Mother thought I need to cut it but I liked it being shoulder length. I kicked my horse to go faster. He barely sped up. Selena’s horse was ahead of mine. My horses were never fast, and Selena always got the best horses. I whispered in my horse’s ear, wanting more than anything to have at least one victory. I looked ahead and Selena looked back. A sly grin spread over her face. Sisters! She always thinks she’s so much more important than me. Just because she’s 10 months older than me. Determination became etched in my face. I would win this race. I had to.

    I leaned as far forward as I could. Willing my horse to go the fastest it had ever run. Come on! Just a little faster. Almost there. Then it was over. I hadn’t realized we were so close to the finish line. Selena stopped her horse and laughed at me.

    “You shouldn’t challenge me to races you’re never going to win, little brother.” She enjoyed rubbing in the fact that she was older than me. I spat on the ground in disgust.

    “I thought I had a chance.” I growled.

    She laughed again, handed over her horse to one of the stable hands and headed inside. Tossing her hair as she walked. I wished she were a boy. I would have beat her up all the time, but I would have gotten in huge trouble for it.

    I sighed and handed my horse’s reins to the other servant. Not wanting to see my sister but having nowhere else to go, I headed inside. I wished my dad would let me get my own horse. He said I wasn’t responsible enough yet. Thought I needed to be a little more “mature”. Whatever. I was sure I would get one soon. I’d be turning seventeen in a month. I was pretty sure my dad would see that I’m enough of a man to let me have my own horse. I crossed my fingers behind my back and walked inside.

    I opened the door and headed to the living room. As I stepped through the doorway my mother looked up. Her face showed sorrow, disappointment, anger? I couldn’t really tell. I wondered if they were mad at me. My father was leaning over a letter. His face was grim. That much I could tell. My sister had a look of shock and horror on her face. I gathered up my courage, hoping that they weren’t upset at me, and asked them what was wrong.

    My Father looked up, as if just noticing that I had come in. He looked at my mother.

    “The town of Kalklyna. They…they were destroyed.” She said carefully.

    “What?! But how? I mean they were the strongest part of the rebellion.” I blurted out before realizing I wasn’t supposed to talk about the rebellion out loud. My mother and father looked at each other.

    “Please close the door, Rydel.” My father calmly replied to the unanswered questions. I shut the door behind me and walked over to the chair next to my father. He took a deep breath.

    “Rydel, Selena, what I am about to tell you must be kept an absolute secret. You may think you know about the rebellion, but there is a lot you don’t know. Your Mother and I decided it’s time to be open with you.” He carefully looked at each of us. Then he started telling us things we never knew were possible.

    “Gisselle Ranwick is-was our strongest alliance in the rebellion. He had a group of inventors that were working on secret weapons to help us defeat Cavensburg. One weapon he was creating was called The Robin. The Robin had the ability to destroy anything in a certain area. All you have to do is put in the exact distance from your location and a time limit before it blows everything up. Once you hit the button that fires it, everything will be destroyed. Well, we could still go to Kalklyna and maybe see the remains of some buildings. But, everything inside the city is destroyed. Ashes would be all that’s left of the people, and the information we need. We can only hope that Ranwick or someone from the rebellion is still alive and bringing us the information. All we know is that yesterday, April 6th at 12:27 at night, the whole city of Kalklyna was blown up with Cavensburg’s biggest army inside. Tomorrow Braxton will be holding a meeting to decide the next steps we have to take. Of course, as I am on the board, I will have to go.”

    Selena and I looked at each other in shock. Dad was right we barely knew anything about the rebellion. Suddenly I had an idea. I looked at my dad and asked him if I could come with him to the rebel meeting. My father sighed and looked at mother again and they silently thought about it together. My father looked back at me.

    “Not today. I feel that the information that will be discussed in this meeting doesn’t need to be heard by you. If you are captured by one of Cavensburg’s soldiers I don’t want you to know to much. The next meeting that happens your mother and I will discuss the possibility of you attending.”

    I nodded. At least he hadn’t said no. But then again his answer could almost be a no. We all were deep in thought when a knock at the door startled us all. My father told them, or whoever was behind the door, to come in. It was one of our servants letting us know that dinner was ready. We thanked her and she left. Before we got up, our father said one more thing to us.

    “Remember what we have told you needs to be kept a secret. Even if you think or know someone else is part of the rebellion. These things are only discussed in private by the leaders of the family or leaders of the rebellion.”

    We both nodded, then got up for dinner.

    I lay in bed that night thinking about Ranwick and his city. I didn’t know much about either of them, but I wanted to know more. I had remembered Ranwick faintly. He had come to one of the rebel meetings and had eaten dinner with us. He had seemed like a kind and honest man. Apparently the rebel leaders thought the same. He was highly respected among them. But of course I hadn’t realized back then that he also had secret weapons. I sighed, I wished I could take part of the rebellion. Cavensburg’s grasp on my city was strong. His soldiers were cruel. Beating whoever they wanted just because they supposedly got in their way. And now our biggest ally was gone. I wanted more than ever to be able to do something to get rid of Cavensburg. I wanted to be a rebel even more than I wanted a horse. I fell asleep dreaming about fighting, cities burning and a girl asleep under a birch tree. If I had been thinking more than dreaming, I would have wondered how she got in my dream.

    In the morning, I woke up with a start. I had slept much longer than I had intended to. The sun was shining brightly in my room and I could hear the birds singing outside my window. I got dressed and hurried downstairs hoping to see my father before he left. When I reached the bottom of the stairs the giant clock told me that he would have left an almost two hours ago. I went to the dining room to get my breakfast. My mother and sister were already finished and talking when I came in.

    My mother greeted me warmly. I sat down and ate my breakfast. Selena was talking to my mother about a party she had been invited to. This was a conversation I didn’t care about. I blocked out her high voice and thought about the rebellion. Then the girl that had showed up in my dream popped into my head. Why was she there? I had never met her. All I had seen in my dream was a skinny, brown haired girl sleeping peacefully under a birch tree, with the moon beams gently caressing a birthmark on the right side of her face. I couldn’t understand this and it bothered me to not know things. I finished my breakfast and decided to read a book until my father got home.

    I nodded at my sister and mother and left the room. As I walked to my fathers library I pondered over the puzzling dream. Without thinking about what book I choose, I grabbed the closest one of the shelf. I sat down in the window seat and stared out the window. I wished my father would come home soon. I wanted to find out how the meeting had gone. I looked down at my book and stared at the words thinking of fighting instead of reading. I heard some action downstairs and I looked out the window to see my father walking to the door. I threw the book aside and hurried to greet him.

    When I arrived at the bottom of the stairs my mother told me that father had some news for us and had asked us all to go to his study. He would join us shortly. We all sat impatiently waiting for him. Finally he came into the room and mother jumped up.

    “What is it Zafira? Is it about the rebellion?” My father put a reassuring hand on her shoulder and helped her back to her chair. Then he looked at us.

    “Selena, Rydel, Nadia. Braxton found out a little more about what happened at Kalklyna.” He paused. “Remember this must be kept quiet.” We all nodded and he went on. “Braxton tells us that before the city was destroyed Cavensburg’s best army commander was shot. By a girl. He said she knows important information about the rebellion. She killed DeGribler because he knew about her. When the girl shot him, he didn’t die right away. He waited until she left and he was able to contact Cavensburg’s headquarters to let them know about this girl before he died. Apparently Ranwick had every thing planned. He has someone bringing us information. She is our only hope of beating Cavensburg. But if she gets caught…” The sentence was left hanging in the air.

    “What does she look like?” My mother asked.

    We all looked intently at my father. “She is probably around Selena and Rydel’s age. She is skinny and has brown hair. She also has a distinct birthmark on the right side of her face.”

    When I heard this I gasped. How could this be? How could I have had a dream about someone I never met. And more importantly how could I dream about the very girl we needed to save our land from Cavensburg’s grasp?

    If you think you are too small to make a difference, try living with a mosquito.

    #112013
    Mel
    @melodyjoy

    @katja-r

    I love the great work you are putting into this amazing story. It’s keeping me on the edge of my seat and I can’t wait for more!

    I also loved how you changed it so dramatically. I don’t think any of us were expecting the character change. But that is amazing.

    I personally didn’t see anything that could have been better (yeah it was SUPER good!) but since the whole reason you posted this story on here is so that people could give you critique, I’m sure somebody will be able to help you (because I kinda didn’t)

    I love this! Again, keep up the great work!

    -Melody

    Life is short, smile while you still have teeth!

    #112015
    Katja R
    @katja-r

    @melodyjoy

    Thanks Melody! I’m glad you liked it! If I didn’t make any mistakes in this chapter I will be SO surprised. 😀 Thanks for reading it!

    -Katja

    If you think you are too small to make a difference, try living with a mosquito.

    #112027
    Katja R
    @katja-r

    @beth20

    Did you read my third chapter yet?

    -Katja

    If you think you are too small to make a difference, try living with a mosquito.

    #112029
    Beth Darlene
    @beth20

    Hey sorry I might have to tomorrow it’s almost dinner time and I have to go do my lunch dishes lol!

    Jominkreesa! For the weirdos who know what it means! 😉 I love you guys!

    #112032
    Katja R
    @katja-r

    @beth20

    Your good! I can wait. 😉

    -Katja

    If you think you are too small to make a difference, try living with a mosquito.

    #112038
    Emberynus The Dragonslayer
    @emberynus-the-dragonslayer

    @katja-r

    LOVE IT!! Great story! So much suspense packed into just one chapter!

    Sold souls and dead promises

    #112039
    Katja R
    @katja-r

    @emberynus-the-dragonslayer

    Did you see the first two chapters? If not you should read them, cuz if you want to keep reading the chapters I post, you’ll need to have read the first two. 😀

    If you think you are too small to make a difference, try living with a mosquito.

    #112075
    Beth Darlene
    @beth20

    @katja-r

    Ahh, more suspense! Loving it so far! I really like Rydel’s character!

    Again just a few things, nothing big! 🙂

    Mother thought I need to cut it but I liked it being shoulder length.

    You said need not needed.

    Not wanting to see my sister but having nowhere else to go, I headed inside…..

     I crossed my fingers behind my back and walked inside.

    Even those aren’t like right by each other it might sound better if you didn’t say he walked inside twice lol 😉

    I opened the door and headed to the living room. As I stepped through the doorway my mother looked up. 
    Idk there’s just something about this part that was…idk I might rewrite it? Yeah, not sure why I don’t like that lol! But obviously it’s your book so do whatever you want haha!

    My father told them, or whoever was behind the door, to come in.

    Maybe just say, my father told whoever was behind the door, to come in. Or maybe even better, My father looked at the door. “Come in.” Or he might be kinda suspicious and jumpy after the letter he received so maybe he goes over to the door and looks through the eye whole or something haha!

    I sighed, I wished I could take part of the rebellion. 

    I think you prob meant IN the rebellion, not of the rebellion 🙂

    Jominkreesa! For the weirdos who know what it means! 😉 I love you guys!

    #112077
    Katja R
    @katja-r

    @beth20

    Thanks for pointing those things out. Originally I had written this chapter in present tense and then after I wrote it I changed it to past. So, yeah, I probably missed a few things.

    Yeah, I didn’t really like the part about him going inside. I’m going to fix in eventually.

    I’ll see what I can do.

    Sure, I’ll change that sentence.

    Actually, I did mean “take part of the rebellion”. But I think I might reword it differently or do as you suggested.

    Thanks for your critique!!

    -Katja

    If you think you are too small to make a difference, try living with a mosquito.

    #112081
    Beth Darlene
    @beth20

    @katja-r

    Your welcome! I try to be helpful with my critiques! Hope they are lol.

    Jominkreesa! For the weirdos who know what it means! 😉 I love you guys!

    #112094
    claire
    @claire-h

    @katja-r

    I really have been enjoying this! I think the thing I noticed the most in this chapter was redundancy. Like at the beginning, you use the word “horse” a lot in a row. So yeah, I think if you just read through and keep that in mind, you could really tighten up your words and paragraphs. Also, for some reason, I felt like there was a lot of extra words in your descriptions… Maybe you got too technical? Just a few things to think about. Mainly just being conscious about being more precise would help. Hope that makes sense! Keep up the good work! 🙂

    a flower does not think of competing with the flower next to it.
    it just blooms.

    #112095
    Katja R
    @katja-r

    @claire-h

    Yeah, I tend to use a lot of the same words over and over again. I’m working on fixing that. 🙂

    I’ll read it again and see what I can do to simplify it.

    Thanks for pointing those things out!

    -Katja

    If you think you are too small to make a difference, try living with a mosquito.

    #112098
    claire
    @claire-h

    @katja-r

    No problem! I’m a perfectionist. Yeah that explains a lot. 😆 I think I could be a fairly good editor if I tried, lol. I’m not so sure about that when it comes to my own work though. It’s so hard to look at it objectively!

    a flower does not think of competing with the flower next to it.
    it just blooms.

    #112099
    Katja R
    @katja-r

    @claire-h

    Haha, yeah I understand. I can be a perfectionist in some things but not usually in my writing. 😀

    Claire, I know I’ve told you before, but you should really post some of your stories. It’ll help you a lot. I’ve been super helped by your guy’s comments and I’m positive you would be too! Just something to think about. 😉

    -Katja

    If you think you are too small to make a difference, try living with a mosquito.

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