Short story for beta-readers
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Hello, all! I have a short story that is in need of critique. I will tag those who have already beta-read my work, but anyone else’s opinion would be appreciated.
@urwen-starial @anne_the_noob14 @taylorclogston @sam-m@vivian-grant Thanks for the tag! Unfortunately, I’m trying not to commit to too much right now as far as beta-reading and tons of writing projects, so I’m gonna have to back out of this one. If you don’t have a deadline, I can try to read it as I’m able, but we’ll see 🙂
“Enough! Be quiet! I can’t hear myself think! I can’t hear my teeth chatter!"
I appreciate the reply. I don’t have much of a deadline, and hopefully at least one person can critique it for me, so we’ll just see what happens.
@vivian-grant As of right this very moment I have no more beta reading time available, but that changes on a week to week basis. If you’re still looking for feedback next weekend (or really any time, I guess) please hit me up!
Next weekend would work great, but again, you can come to it whenever you have time.
Hey!
I can read it if you want!
Jominkreesa! For the weirdos who know what it means! 😉 I love you guys!
Thank you! I would greatly appreciate it.
Yeah! No problem!
Jominkreesa! For the weirdos who know what it means! 😉 I love you guys!
I don’t know what the heck is wrong! I have written a LONG comment TWO times and they are not here!!!!! Why???????????
Jominkreesa! For the weirdos who know what it means! 😉 I love you guys!
So sorry it seems I haven’t read your story yet! I did and I really liked it! You did a great job! I haven’t read any vampire stories so I’m no expert lol, but it was really good!
Jominkreesa! For the weirdos who know what it means! 😉 I love you guys!
Thank you! I’m glad you liked it.
Yeah! I told @josiah about it, so maybe he can bring my comment back haha!
Jominkreesa! For the weirdos who know what it means! 😉 I love you guys!
@vivian-grant Hi, Vivian!
I thought Phoenix and Innolan were interesting characters and I enjoyed their relationship and dialogue. I also enjoyed the gothic feel of the story. And well done on the setting.
Ferand could maybe stand a little more development and time in the story. (I did think it was well done that you put him in the scene in the beginning). It felt slightly disconnected from the whole of the plot when Ferand kidnapped Phoenix -maybe you could foreshadow it a little bit more?
Also, Sir Zrorar kind of vanished from the beginning of the story -maybe he could play a small role near the end? (Maybe he’s part of the Velvet Society).
The story might benefit from inserting a slightly more obvious (but not necessarily too obvious) theme or question (I admit, this could also be personal preference). For example: does Innolan care about about Phoenix? You could have Phoenix doubt that he does, but then he rescues her at the end. OR you could do something broader like: are people good or bad? Then you have Innolan who murders people, but also saved Phoenix and kind of goes to show that people can be both.
It was a good story -I think you have the potential to make it even better. Thank you for tagging me so that I could read it! 🙂
Thank you for the feedback. I do see ways I could foreshadow the kidnapping a little more, because it is such a big part of the story.
Hmm, Zrorar… I put him into the beginning as a brief example of how adored and desired Phoenix was. He isn’t really supposed to have an actual role beyond that, and I think that expanding on his character would begin to distract from the main characters.
The theme of this story is that immortality (cursed vampiric immortality, not eternal life in heaven) is not as awesome as it initially sounds, and that you have to find something -a cause or a person- that is worth the stretching eternity. But Innolan is a gray area when it comes to whether he’s a ‘good’ person or not.
@vivian-grant Those are good points. And I can definitely see your theme now. Keep up the good work!
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