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  • Livi Ryddle posted an update 2 years, 7 months ago

    So I’ve been working on a story recently, and I was wondering what you guys think of this part…

    Cornelius had been walking for a while now and thirst threatened to get the best of him. He stooped beside the stream and cupped some water into his hands to drink.

    Dang. This water tastes weird. Not bad, but weird.

    Smacking his lips, he started to drink more, but suddenly some of the water in the stream sprang up into a human form and looked around.

    “Who dares to summon the great Water Sprite?!”

    Cornelius stared open-mouthed at the figure. The rest of the water in his hands dribbled onto his foot, soaking his shoe, but he didn’t notice.

    Suddenly noticing Cornelius, the stream shrieked, jumping away from him, and held up its arms as a shield.

    “Stay away! Don’t come closer! Please! I’ll do anything!”

    Does the stream seem more male or female? My friend suggested female, and I see why, but I feel like it might be funnier if it was male, so what do you guys think? (Sorry if I missed tagging somebody who “should” be tagged. I just copy/pasted from someone else XD )
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    • Ooh, intriguing! 🙂
      Does it seem more female or male? Hmm… It feels like it could go either way… it doesn’t feel like one or the other yet, reading through.
      Once you pick one gender though, you probably will want to add a quick description in this clip to signify that.

      • Hi @anne_the_noob14,
        Is age a factor? Sometimes gender proclivities are similar at a particular age and diverge during teen years and become a little more divergent with adulthood. In the animal kingdom, it tends to become more pronounced when mate selection is a factor. Ex. Bucks among deer begin to develop antlers compete for does. Boys begin to tease girls. Girls begin to think of boys as something more than just chums or one of the gang of kids on the block.
        This is what I mean by age of awareness.
        I assume your character Cornelius might pose some kind of threat to the water sprite, otherwise, the response (below) wouldn’t make much sense:

        Suddenly noticing Cornelius, the stream shrieked, jumping away from him, and held up its arms as a shield.
        “Stay away! Don’t come closer! Please! I’ll do anything!”

        Are we taking the fearful and pleading response of the “Water Sprite” to the site of Cornelius, to be indicative of a male or female response? If so, are you asking how a female might show fear as opposed to how a male might show fear?
        I just want to be clear of the context, before I answer.

        One thing that puzzles me is the shift from the bravado of…

        “Who dares to summon the great Water Sprite?!”

        …to the fearful begging response given later.

        If the Water Sprite is young the gender tendencies are less clear.
        The Water Sprite must have some high degree of fear to so quickly pledge…

        “… I’ll do anything!”

        It does tend to be more of a need to placate or surrender in hopes for mercy, rather than a stand up for disrespect.
        If a mother is protecting her vulnerable young, she will fight to the death, unless her spirit and hope have already been broken. In which case she might plead and beg for the life of her child to be spared, rather than proceed with threats.
        As such, context is key for this discussion.
        Can you give us a little more background on Cornelius or on the mindset of the Water Sprite? I don’t think we can tell either way just yet.

    • Oh ho, this seems good *rubs hands together in anticipation*
      My mind automatically thought the sprite was male. I could visualize it being all dramatic: ‘Who DARES to summon /The Great Water Sprite/!?’ etc., etc.
      And I agree with @evelyn. Once you decide, some description would be helpful 🙂

    • I don’t think it necessarily seems more male or female. Make it a dude though, I feel like all the sprites I read of in stories are girls =P

    • @evelyn True.
      @obrian-of-the-surface-world Maybe I should paste in the rest of the story. (Below) Me and my friends took turns adding a sentence or two to the starting sentence to write the first couple pages, down to where he knocks himself out, and then I write the rest. It’s kinda a mess right now, and I’m still working on editing it, but maybe this’ll help a bit…:

      Storm clouds gathered until finally the rain began to fall heavily. A small hooded figure scuttled through the dark. He noticed a wad of bills behind a dumpster. He picked up the money and looked at it suspiciously.

      Are these fake? he wondered. Feeling the bills, he exclaimed,
      “Oh gosh darn, I think they’re real!”

      As Carl stood there wondering at his luck, there was a large flash of light, then BOOM. The lightning hit Carl and he was thrown to the ground.

      As he regained consciousness, he looked at the money in his hand. It was smoldering. He tried everything he could to save it, but all was in vain. He stared at the pile of ashes with a strange sense of calm and sadness. Suddenly, the money re-appeared in his hands, crisp and whole, completely unburnt. But a cat watching from a rooftop jumped on his back and he dropped the money. The wad of bills disappeared into thin air.

      “Do not touch my burning fire dust money,” the cat whispered.

      Carl wrapped his hand around a cold, dark stone. Hefting the stone, Carl knocked the cat off his back. As the cat lay on the ground, Carl watched it morph into a human. It was a girl; a very ugly one, in fact. At least, she was ugly until her complexion changed: now, her green almond-shaped eyes narrowed at Carl, and her pretty mouth opened to say,

      “That’s my money. You can’t have it.”

      Carl noticed she was wearing an oversized kiwi-colored hoodie, ripped skinny jeans, and a worn-out pair of Nike tennis shoes. She was tall and slender, had three cat whiskers on each side of her nose, and two furry cat ears peeked out from under the hoodie’s hood.

      “Who are you?” asked Carl.

      “I have no name. You may call me what you wish,” said the girl. “I see you’re special like me. You’re the only one who can get the money back.”

      “I am special. I am the great omnipotent CASH-MAN!” Carl said.

      The wad money appeared in his outstretched hand and began to grow, spilling out of his hand, creating a puddle of bills and coins on the ground at his feet. Suddenly, a cloak fell to the ground. And the true hero appeared; a fat, ugly half toad, half man, with squinty eyes and a little, wrinkled mouth. He apparently had a cloak of invisibility, and had been putting the money in Cash-Man’s hand.

      Cornelius Kantu’s eyes flipped open, his mind jumped, and the dregs of the dream slowly began slipping away like a wisp of smoke being blown into the wind. Sitting up, he sighed. It had only been a dream. A weird dream. But he wanted to finish it. It was interesting. If he went back to sleep now, maybe it would continue. He lay back down again and tried to fall back asleep, but he couldn’t. Finally, in desperation, he rolled over the side of his bed and knocked himself out.

      As he faded into blissful unconsciousness, he could see his room start to sparkle with an eerie pink light, little figures dancing in and out of the golden rays of sunlight drifting through his open window.

      Cornelius opened his eyes. He was laying on his back in a valley on lush green grass. Dewdrops glittered on the petals of multicolored flowers, and a robin whistled from one of the nearby trees.

      Welp. Looks like I didn’t land in the same dream. Darn.

      He stood up and looked around. Farther down the valley, there was a natural spring feeding a little brook that flowed into a forest of pink-leaved trees that blossomed with… Transparent flowers? Surely not. But yet, they were. The foot-wide, see-through blossoms were lavender in color, going nicely with the pink leaves.

      Nice. Very nice.

      Cornelius walked into the forest, looking at all the fairytale-like botanicals. Some were familiar, like the oak trees and blackberry bushes, others were strange and alien to him.

      ~Perhaps, while our hero wanders closer to his fate, I should properly introduce you to him. Cornelius just turned fifteen. He lives in the Netherlands with his moeder (mother), vader (father), and two sisters. He has most of the typical Dutch characteristics, like blond hair and blue eyes, but his father’s Roman ancestry gave him a prominent aquiline nose (which he hates). His sisters ha– What on earth are you doing, Cornelius?! You shouldn’t drink that!~

      Cornelius had been walking for a while now and thirst threatened to get the best of him. He stooped beside the stream and cupped some water into his hands to drink.

      Dang. This water tastes weird. Not bad, but weird.

      Smacking his lips, he started to drink more, but suddenly some of the water in the stream sprang up into a human form and looked around.

      “Who dares to summon the great Water Sprite?!”

      Cornelius stared open-mouthed at the figure. The rest of the water in his hands dribbled onto his foot, soaking his shoe, but he didn’t notice.

      Suddenly noticing Cornelius, the stream shrieked, jumping away from him, and held up its arms as a shield.

      “Stay away! Don’t come closer! Please! I’ll do anything!”

      It’s a bit weird so far, lol. So what I was thinking as far as why the Water Sprite’s reaction at first was so confident, and then changed to pleading when he/she saw Cornelius was the Sprite is thinking that someone in need of its help has summoned it, so it’s being all strong and stuff, but then it sees Cornelius and freaks out because its never seen a “human,” as we think of one, before.

      @write-owl Yeah. 😀

      @taylorclogston Lol! xD

      • I’m sorry, lol. I didn’t realize I made so many typing errors!

        ” he knocks himself out, and then I WROTE the rest.”

        “The wad OF money appeared in…”

        I think that’s all the ones, lol. I’m not usually this messy!

      • Wow. That is hard to determine where any cues might come from because it shifts too many story threads into random directions. Not sure still if I can get a gender decision on the brief part where the Water Sprite shows up. Do you have a backstory in mind for the Water Sprite? That might give you a better idea of which traits might lend themselves to one gender or another. I know traditionally that seaman describe the ocean as a mistress. In classical poetry, water tends to be equated with female entities. The idea being that it’s nature is more unpredictable and full of surprises. Water is known to be life-giving and essential to all living creatures so there is this maternal nature association as well. Does that help any?

    • @anne_the_noob14 No problem! 🙂
      By the way, next time it might be easier to start a thread in the Parimi Alca writing discussion section… it’s easier to read and respond to long messages that way. 🙂

    • @anne_the_noob14 I think that this seemed more like a girl. If you want it to be more masculine, though, maybe mention a deep/male voice or something? (I’m sorry it’s taken me forever to see this 😛 I got super behind on emails!)

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