The Four Rebels
May 6, 2020 at 12:55 pm #111724
I’m deciding to share some of my story. It’s not quite complete. The first paragraph will get some work done, but right now, I’m just getting everything down.
Chapter 1: Alyce
Unseen, I crept through the darkest of shadows. Unheard above the cries of women for their children, men for their family, children in pain, shouts from the poor subjects of the horrible gunshots, soldiers beating the people, fires crackling, buildings collapsing. I swept by, not making a sound. I had a destination. Aye, a gruesome one at that.
I passed a soldier dragging a girl from her home. Anna! They couldn’t do this. It wasn’t fair! I felt like walking up to the soldier, taking his gun and his life. Then I remembered my mission. I wanted to turn and run. I couldn’t do it. Why couldn’t Mark have done it? I already knew the answer. He gave his life for me. Only to make me take it from others. What about Luke? I knew the answer to that as well. He had blocked the door to my room, giving me more time to escape. It had only ended in his death as well. Fighting back the tears stinging my eyes, I headed towards the blue brick building. It’s color was chosen for the rebellion the people still had left. In it held a secret. One that I would have to let out on the soldiers. But not only them. It was to be also let out on the proud, courageous, and rebellious people. My people.
As I headed toward the building, I thought back to just a few days before. We knew the soldiers were coming and we had to do something about it. The people of Kalklyna were known for their rebellion, there would be many soldiers sent to capture them. So many that it was decided that this was when we would give our lives to stop a rising emperor.
Mr. Ranwick was our leader. A wise one too. No one ever questioned him. No one ever had to. We all knew he could be trusted. Because of the soldiers coming, he called an emergency meeting on April 4. People crowded the meeting hall. They all knew the reason of the meeting. Our fate was sealed. We had always known we would have to give up the most valuable thing we held dear. So valuable that you could never purchase it. That one thing was our lives. We all had known since the day we were born that we would have to die for our victory. It was our destiny.
“Thank you for coming.” Mr. Ranwick quieted the nervous murmuring. “I know I don’t have to explain much. We will go on as planned. Mark, Luke and Alyce know the secret. They were given both the code and special instructions. They know how to run it. We will defeat Cavensburg’s biggest army.” At the last sentence people cheered. For even though they would lose their lives, a victory would be won. I remember looking at Ranwick. His eyes were tired. I know he had spent sleepless hours making sure the Robin was complete. He saw me looking and smiled at me. Even though I was an orphan, Ranwick had treated me, Mark and Luke like we were his own children.
But now? None of that mattered. I was the only one left that could win this fight. Me, the weakest person that could be chosen. I had to kill everyone. I reached the building and headed to the back door. Then, shakily reaching out my hand I punched in the code to the door. It opened and I quickly walked in. A calming click of the lock let me know that I was safe here. Only four other people knew the code to this door. As far as I knew, I was probably the only one left. I shook the dismal thoughts out of my head and crept towards The Bird Room.
For things to be kept a secret, sometimes they had a secret name. Our secret had a name. The Robin. The Robin was in The Bird Room. It had nothing to do with real birds. Only a name we had come up with to keep this secret safe. Now, I headed to The Bird Room knowing after I had done my job and left I would be the only survivor from this beautiful city. If I made it out in time.
Sitting down at the desk, I stared at the computer screen. I wished this was all just one of the many nightmares I got. I would wake up in the morning laughing at my fright over such a silly dream. Only this wasn’t a dream. This was real. The people of Kalklyna were depending on me. They could only keep the soldiers here so long. I deftly reached forward and started typing in the many codes needed to win this fight.
A beep startled be back into reality. I only needed one more code. Then I would have six and a half minutes to get away and the terrible fight would be over. Slowly I typed it in. I remember Ranwick carefully making sure we knew the password by heart. Tears threatened to come back again. I fought another fight trying to keep them back. I was about to kill all that I had learned to love. Was this really worth it? Surely there were other ways to defeat Cavensburg. I was sure of it.
I heard a scream coming from below. The large window in front of me gave me a panoramic view of what was happening. It was Charlie. Charlie was like a little brother to me. I loved him dearly. I focused on the little boy struggling to get free from the soldier. The boy would be of no value to the man and so deciding the boy’s fate, he pulled out his gun and raised it to Charlie’s head. Fire burned inside of me. They could not do this. I knew what I had to do. Desperately wishing for a different option, I slumped back into the chair. I typed in the last code needed to end this bloody fight.
My hand hovered above the mouse. One click and I could end this. Why did I always end up having to do the worst things. I felt like vomiting. Nothing would ever be able to erase the horrible guilt I was already feeling. Nothing. I shut my eyes and clicked. I paused for a moment the I quickly bolted up. I still had one more mission. I couldn’t lose my life. I had to carry secret messages to the other people who wanted Cavensburg dead. Hurrying to the file cabinet I fumbled with the lock. A mental countdown was going off in my head. 6.50, 6.49, 6.48, 6.47, 6.46, 6.45, 6.44 Why couldn’t I get the code in. Desperately I tried one last time. It unlocked. I grabbed the papers and stuffed them in my bag. Then I ran for the exit. Only to get a surprise I most definitely wasn’t expecting.
- This topic was modified 1 year, 2 months ago by Katja R.
- This topic was modified 1 year, 2 months ago by Katja R.
If you think you are too small to make a difference, try living with a mosquito.May 6, 2020 at 12:58 pm #111726May 6, 2020 at 3:27 pm #111748Arindown (Gracie)@arindown
I love it!!!😍 It has so much feeling and emotion. I can almost feel the battle inside of Alyce…or myself, for that matter.😊 You nailed it, girl.
Of course, a story can always be polished up, but the only thing I would say is, I think you can make the last sentence more sudden. Something like, “I ran for the exit, and shoved the door open. I screamed.” (I don’t actually know if the surprise is good or bad😁). Something shortish, that calls you to turn the page.
Good job. You’ve got me hooked.😆
Not all those who wander are lost.May 6, 2020 at 3:33 pm #111751
Awww, thanks so much.
Yes. I don’t like the way it ends the chapter but yeah, I’ll fix it later. 😉
I’ll send the second chapter later if you want.
If you think you are too small to make a difference, try living with a mosquito.May 6, 2020 at 3:47 pm #111753Beth Darlene@beth20
I really liked it! Especially love how the first sentence is dramatic and gets you hooked! Good job! I really liked paragraph four, beautifully written!
I have just a few critiques.
I reached the building and headed to the back door. Then, shakily reaching out my hand I punched in the code to the door.
You said the word, door, two times and it just sounds a little off. Maybe say instead,
I reached the building and headed to the back. Then, shakily reaching out my hand I punched in the code to the door.
A beep startled be back into reality.
Obviously you meant me lol!
Then you said,
I only needed one more code. Then I would have six and a half minutes to get away and the terrible fight would be over. Slowly I typed it in. I remember Ranwick carefully making sure we knew the password by heart…..
Desperately wishing for a different option, I slumped back into the chair. I typed in the last code needed to end this bloody fight.
You said you typed in the last code twice.
Other than that I didn’t see anything bad! Good job! -Beth
P.S. Obviously I’m not an expert writer or anything! So you don’t have to take my advice, just my opinion lol!
Jominkreesa! For the weirdos who know what it means! 😉 I love you guys!May 6, 2020 at 4:03 pm #111756claire@claire-h
Ooh, I really like the feel of this. It’s definitely a good opening scene with a lot of conflict and tension. 👍
Besides a few technical errors, like the ones Beth pointed out, the biggest thing that jumped out to me was how she talked about Charlie. I’m sure you’ve heard a lot about “show, don’t tell”. I think this would be a good opportunity to expand upon how Alyce feels, instead of just saying, “Charlie was like a little brother to me. I loved him dearly.” That was what jumped out to me the most. Also all the names at the beginning were a bit confusing. Anna, Mark, and Luke were all mentioned in one paragraph.
Anyway, hope that gives you a few ideas! 😉
a flower does not think of competing with the flower next to it.
it just blooms.May 6, 2020 at 4:10 pm #111761
Thanks so much for responding!
I will look into fixing the things you pointed out.
I do know that I do repeat a lot of stuff quite a bit. I know I need to fix that, I just haven’t had time. 🙁
Thanks again for your comments!!
If you think you are too small to make a difference, try living with a mosquito.May 6, 2020 at 4:13 pm #111763
Yes I do want to detail the Charlie part a bit more. I will once I’m free.
Ok, I’ll look into that.
I appreciate your tips!
If you think you are too small to make a difference, try living with a mosquito.May 6, 2020 at 4:22 pm #111765Beth Darlene@beth20
Jominkreesa! For the weirdos who know what it means! 😉 I love you guys!May 9, 2020 at 10:05 am #112044
Here is the first chapter. Let me know what you think!
If you think you are too small to make a difference, try living with a mosquito.May 11, 2020 at 6:58 am #112159Kristianne@kristianne-hassman
That’s a great opening! It definitely pulls me in and makes me want to find out what happens next.
I just have one suggestion:
The flashback and amount of detail kind of slow down the pacing of the story. I would imagine that a scene like this would have a more urgent, panicked feel to it. I would suggest using shorter, choppier sentences and focusing more on the character’s actions and thoughts than observations (that’s not to say you can’t include any observations, but just cut back on some of them). Also, pack your sentences with more action verbs and use every word sparingly and with as much meaning as possible to give that feeling of urgency and importance. You can slip in details and explanations every now and then, but make the action the main part of the scene.
Also, it’s ok to leave some things unanswered. You can just answer them later on. In this first chapter, you’re just trying to capture the reader’s attention and plant some questions, only answering a few of them.
However, I do just want to mention that if your goal was to make it seem like time slowed down, then what you did is fine. I’m just giving my thoughts on this and what I would do. 🙂
- This reply was modified 1 year, 2 months ago by Kristianne.
Courage, dear heart.May 11, 2020 at 9:47 am #112172
Thanks for your comments!
I kinda wanted things a little slower, but I’ll see if I can change a few things!
I appreciate your tips!!
If you think you are too small to make a difference, try living with a mosquito.May 11, 2020 at 12:24 pm #112191Kristianne@kristianne-hassman
You’re welcome! And yes, if you wanted things to seem slower, then what you did was fine! 🙂
Courage, dear heart.May 11, 2020 at 6:42 pm #112232
Here you go!!
If you think you are too small to make a difference, try living with a mosquito.May 14, 2020 at 9:12 am #112457
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