Just had to share…
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Wow… Another heart gripper. I’m nearing the end of my WIP, and some of the scenes are getting epic. I just have to share it… especially since I’m so close to it, so I don’t know how it will be taken by other people… but this scene is the capstone to my WIP… Please let me know if there is anything confusing in it…
here’s another piece of my WIP. =)
figured I’d invite my pals from the character castle to a pivotal scene… this is Abirami’s parents (one week after they first met… they had a whirlwind adventure together. =) and their adventure is reaching a climax) Perhaps it can shed some light on Abirami’s own personality… hehe. Hope you enjoy it…
“Presenting General Hanniumm and Lady Aefflaed,” called counselor Shimokeen.
My breath caught in my throat. Why had he announced me too? I couldn’t very well retreat now.
Hanniumm kneeled, placed two fingers to his sternum, and bowed to the king.
Flustered, I shuffled forward and kneeled beside him, copying his mannerisms in a bow of my own.
“It pleases me to see you well, my son,” said King Sharrukin. He slammed his staff on the ground. “However, your absence has been far too long.”
My head dipped lower as I tried not to shake. The king seemed angry.
Hanniumm was still and silent beside me.
“My dear, may I hear your opinion on my general’s current health conditions?” His voice was much sweeter as he addressed me.
“My lord, the poison has been treated, and it is safe to say he has fully recovered.”
“Very good.” The king’s face returned to a stern look as he gazed at Hanniumm. “General Hanniumm, we shall have a… lengthy conversation about your absence. But not now. I assume you know the vaelintrien is your old master, and the longer we allow him to prepare, the more deadly he becomes.”
“Yes, my lord.” His head bowed closer to the ground.
I held in a sigh. Was he blaming himself, even for that?
“Then I shall wait to debrief you after the battle ahead.”
“Yes, sire. If I survive the coming-”
The king slammed his staff down. The resounding boom echoed around the chamber, causing the partitions to shake and wave about.
I wasn’t sure what the king had hit, but it didn’t sound like the ground.
“Say one more fatalistic word, and I shall have you clapped in irons,” the king roared. “Do you understand me?”
I couldn’t stop staring, my body shaking.The king’s face was still stern yet calm, but such power exuded from his words, I hung on every syllable.
The tips of Hanniumm’s hair brushed the grass as his head lowered even more. “Yes, sire,” he breathed.
The room fell silent, as if time had stopped. I couldn’t take my eyes off the golden face of my king, who stared at Hanniumm as if to immobilize him with his gaze.
“I know of the curse, my dear boy.” The king’s voice was soft and emotional, like a man in mourning. “Galchobhar informed of that much.”
Hanniumm’s muscles tensed, and I could make out the faint sound of his teeth grinding. He rested his head fully on the ground.
“By what chance of fate do you throw reason to the wind and blame yourself for such an act?”
Hanniumm’s body began to shake. “My lord, my hands have bloodied my soul.” His voice cracked under the pain of his tone. “I’m no longer worthy to be your general.”
“Silence!” the king bellowed.
Even the wind seemed to die at his word.
“What ignorance of pride leads you to make decisions for me?” King Sharrukin demanded.
We remained still and silent.
Sharrukin’s voice boomed, “I ask again, who are you to decide who is worthy of me?”
Hanniumm continued to shake, crouching smaller with his head nearly buried beneath him.
“Whom do you serve, Hanniumm el Abdmago?”
“You, my lord,” Hanniumm said softly.
“Whom do you serve?” King Sharrukin yelled.
“You, my lord!” Hanniumm hollered. He lifted his face, tears falling from his cheeks. “I serve you, only you.”
The king remained stern, but the tips of his mouth turned up. “Then I shall be the judge of who is worthy of me. Not you.”
Hanniumm breathed heavily through his nose and fell face down before the king again. “Yes sire.”
King Sharrukin stared off to the right.
I hardly allowed myself to breath. Like a fish out of water, I’d never felt so out of place – like watching a father admonish his child in the strongest and most intimate of ways.
“I have always trusted you with my very life, my son, but I am uncertain I can trust you with yours come morrow.”
Hanniumm looked up, a grief stricken look upon his face. “Oh please, my lord. Allow me to lead the charge. I must-”
“Silence!” called the king.
Hanniumm clamped his mouth shut.
Sharrukin’s face softened a bit as he peered into Hanniumm. “It is easily seen. Your heart is not where it should be.”
Hanniumm tilted his head slightly as the concern etched furrows upon his brow.
“You cannot redeem one act with another.”
The king’s words reverberated through my soul. What did he mean?
Hanniumm seemed puzzled. “Sir?”
“I see your heart, young one. You deem your actions as evil and wish to redeem yourself by some futile deed going forward, but no such action shall allay your guilty conscience.” The king’s face was one of serenity and empathy. “You cannot measure the worth of a single action, no less take stock of the weight of one compared to another.”
Hanniumm fell to his hands, staring past the grass and the dirt at his fingertips.
I gasped, the king’s words echoing in my head. You can’t compare actions? What was he talking about? Did he mean you can’t redeem yourself through good deeds? Was it pointless for Hanniumm to seek redemption? Was it futile for me to seek forgiveness?
“Let me speak simply.” King Sharrukin held out his arm. “Behold, my bracelet can be weighed and measured. It can be taken apart and analyzed. My staff and all physical objects can be said the same. Actions, however, are like footprints in the sand. They cannot be measured, weighed, or moved. They are imprinted upon the waves of time, and no man can reverse its tides. Heed my words, for you shall not accept freedom unless you first grant yourself the freedom to accept it.”
My breath shook and tears fell down my face. His words continued to pound between my ears. They seemed so foreign, so difficult to understand. Yet, they penetrated deep into my heart, and my soul somehow knew its meaning.
Was it true? Could I really not find forgiveness out there unless I found the courage to forgive myself first? Had I trapped myself within my own regret? Was there really freedom out there if I only forgave myself? I didn’t know if I could do that. What if I wasn’t forgiven after that? What if they rejected me? Was self-forgiveness not an empty gesture?
I couldn’t erase my past. I had done evil things. Unbearable things. Unforgivable things. Was there truly no one out there who could grant me redemption?
“But my lord,” Hanniumm’s voice cried weakly. “I’ve killed so many innocent-”
“No, I killed those men.”
Hanniumm looked up at king Sharrukin in shock. “My lord, no.”
The king held his chin high, his voice rising up. “I killed those women and children.”
Hanniumm stood. “No, my lord.”
“Just whom do you serve?” the king asked for the third time.
Hanniumm’s lips quivered. “You, my lord, you know thi-”
“And whom do you obey?” asked the king.
“You, my lord, but-”
“But nothing,” said the king. “I gave you a command, you followed my orders, just as you give orders to the soldiers under you. And just as you are responsible for the deeds of those under you, I am responsible for all of your actions. That is what it means to be under my command.”
Hanniumm stared at the ground, shaking his head.
The king glared at him. “Am I speaking clearly?”
He hesitated. “Ye- yes sir.”
“I ordered you to go,” said king Sharrukin. “I ordered you to subdue the enemy’s capital. I ordered you to return alive. You merely followed my orders. Those deaths were necessary to subdue the enemy, and I, alone, am responsible for them. I am a jealous and greedy king who shall not share that duty with anyone. Do you understand me?”
Hanniumm dropped to his knees. “Yes sir.”
I couldn’t quite understand why I was weeping, but there I was. Hanniumm’s tears accompanied my own.
Sharrukin looked at both of us in turn. “Your hearts are heavy, and I have given you much to think about. I suggest you both take some time to be honest with yourselves. We can reconvene in the morning.”
The king left us as we sat in utter shock.
When I finally looked up, the room was empty except for us. I released the pent up sorrow from within my heart. “Oh Hanniumm, what are we to do?”
“My king has taken upon himself all of my guilt,” whispered Hanniumm. “But then why do I still feel the same?” He looked at me with eyes filled with the same sorrow that threatened to swallow me whole.
“I don’t know.” I scooted toward him and grabbed his hand. “Do you believe him?”
Hanniumm looked down at my hand. “I- I don’t know. I think so.” He sniffled, then looked me in the eye. “Yes.”
My own sorrow seemed so much deeper when reflected in his eyes. I tried on a smile and wiped a tear from his cheek. “Then perhaps I can learn to believe him too, someday.”
We sat there in silence for some time. Then, Hanniumm nodded his head, straightened up, and said, “Yes.”
I looked at him with confusion and tilted my head to the side.
Hanniumm grabbed my hand and enveloped it with his own. “Aefflaed, I want you to promise me something.”
My heart pounded within me, the waves of sorrow still crashing along its edges. “Yes?” I whispered.
Hanniumm’s thumb rubbed the back of my hand while his eyes stared off somewhere to the left. “In tomorrow’s battle, will you promise me you’ll stay close to the king? Stay by his side through the entire battle, no matter what happens.”
“Hanniumm, why?”
He finally looked me in the eyes. “I made a promise to you, and I want you to stick around so I can keep it. Plus…” He averted his eyes again. “I’ve grown somewhat attached to you, Gula Nin.”
I gasped. He meant it. He was calling me Gula Nin as a term of endearment. “But…” My mind could hardly keep up. “We’ve only known each other for a week.”
“I know.” He nodded. “But you remind me so much of my Nephthys. She was the only one who could talk forcefully to me and make me see reason when I was being foolish. No one could speak to me like she did.” He looked up into my eyes. “No one but you.”
My breath caught in my throat.
“I need someone like that in my life,” he said. “Someone to tell me when I’m being stupid, or to stop me when I’m being foolish.”
Hanniumm looked away again, a sheepish grin on his face. “And I already promised you we’d find those answers together, right.”
Perhaps there was hope after all. My heart lightened, and I allowed myself a small, genuine smile. “Right.”
His grin blossomed into a wide smile as he gazed back into my eyes and removed a strand of hair from my brow. “Then we both must do our best to survive tomorrow, mustn’t we.”
Something deep within me rebelled against the hope, and all my past fears and worries came to bear. “Why would you choose me to be by your side?
Hanniumm chuckled. “Did I not just say?”
I pulled my hand from his. “But I’m just a weak faehin. Why would you choose someone as useless as me?”
Hanniumm grabbed my head in both hands and lifted it up until I was looking into his eyes. There was rage within them.
“You are not useless, Aefflaed. Never have you been useless, you hear me? You saved my life more times than I can count, just in one week.”
I brushed his hands aside and looked away. “I’ve already told you my past, and like the king said, one action cannot undo another. Besides, I have no essence. I can’t fight like you can. I am helpless before all other races. Why would you want to associate with an essence-less person like me?
He grabbed my chin and forced me to look at him once more. “Did you not hear him? The king also said our actions are imprinted upon the waves of the past, which no one can alter. The past is not something you can change, so you must look to the future. Plus, you are far from helpless, Aefflaed.” Hanniumm chuckled. “You stopped a war general in his tracks. You ordered the triskelion warrior around and forced him to follow your orders.”
“Doctor’s orders don’t count as-”
“Yes, they do.”
My eyes waivered, struggling to look him in the eye.
“Essence is just a tool, Aefflaed, just like your medical knowledge is an amazing tool. But let me tell you a secret about essence.” He leaned in, the intoxicating outdoorsy scent filling my senses. “The truly useless and weak are those who use the tools at their disposal for evil or selfish means, whether their tool be essence or not.”
Hanniumm straightened up and stared at me with full confidence. “Aefflaed, your character shines brighter than some of the strongest men I know. And your moral compass and diligence is greater than nearly all the essence-wielders I have ever met.” He narrowed his eyes and his gaze bore into my soul. “Never sell yourself short in front of me again. You are not weak.”
The strong face I was trying to hold up broke, and tears fell once more down my face. I fell forward and buried my face in Hanniumm’s chest and cried.
Hanniumm’s strong arms wrapped around me and held me tight. “You are not weak, Aefflaed, my lady. You are very strong.”
Christianity has not been tried and found wanting, it has been found difficult and left untried. ~ G.K.C.
I just posted critique on CW!
Quoth the raven, "Nevermore!"
https://silverpenstrokes.wordpress.comTHIS IS AMAZING
ME WANTS MORE
Not sure if I like the king, but I trust him. One bit of critique would be that I was confused as to the setting – you said they were in a room, but you also mention grass/dirt/etc. multiple times. Since rooms tend to have floors, I was confuzzled. Were they in a tent? Does this king prefer grass to wood or stone? Do I just not have enough context?
All in all, WONDERFUL JOB!!!! Your characters are empathetic and your point clearly made. TAG ME FOR MORE
thank you so much. glad you like it! I will hopefully be contacting you soon to ask if you’d like to beta read it for me… =)
They are in a large tent/pavillion that has draped partitions separating the massive tent into different rooms. (they are mobile, just before the final battle)
and, the king is harsh, but it’s not the first time in the book you are introduced to him, and in the first meeting, he comes across as a wise, old grandpa (I hope….) but not just a grandpa, but someone who exudes strength and should be respect…it’s hard to explain……
at. first, he’s hard on Hanniumm because instead of reporting back to the King after the massacre, Hanniumm struck it out alone for years, trying to handle things on his own and not get the King involved in it. Then the king gets angry because in Hanniumm’s pessimism about surviving the battle, he is showing his hearts desire of wanting to die in the battle to rid himself of his guilt over the massacre. So the king is being harsh with his words to get through to the dense general Hanniumm that his thinking is all wrong. harsh love. =)
I don’t know if that makes sense, but I hope so. lol. Since it’s a fantasy world, I used the king as a metaphor for God in certain ways in this passage.
1) he asked “whom do you serve” three times, like Jesus did Peter
2) the King took the guilt upon himself for the massacre – just like God takes our sin upon himself
3) the king said he was a jealous king and would not share his responsibility with anyone – just as God is a jealous God who does not want to share 1st place in our hearts with anyone or anything.
4) you can’t redeem evil acts by doing good deeds, just like you can’t be saved by works
5) authority theme, similar to God’s authority
of course, the parallelism isn’t perfect (as no analogy is…) but as a sovereign ruler, I tried to show that the king said more than he actually said. =)
Christianity has not been tried and found wanting, it has been found difficult and left untried. ~ G.K.C.
Wonderful! I can’t promise I’ll be available (looks like I just got a job and I have another one starting up in late May), but I will try. 🙂
Ahhh, ok! I wondered about the tent/pavillion thing. I think my confusion over the setting was just because I didn’t read the scene where they first saw it. 🙂
I do usually like harsh love, but something about the king struck me as… mm, IDK, wishy-washy? He tends to swap back and forth between harshness and gentleness with no warning at all. My brain is still trying to decide if it likes that or not. XD
I wondered if it was an analogy!! I noticed the taking-on-of-guilt, jealousy, and works-doesn’t-save-you bits in there, thought the whom do you serve was harder to pick up. Now that I know it’s in there, it’s glaringly obvious. XDDDDD Brilliantly done!
of course, the parallelism isn’t perfect (as no analogy is…) but as a sovereign ruler, I tried to show that the king said more than he actually said. =)
That… actually makes sense. XD
That was fantastic, where is your book and when can I buy it?
"Remember, you go nowhere by accident. Wherever you go, God is sending you." - Rev. Peter R. Hale
aw, thank you,
this came from my work in progress. I actually just finished writing it yesterday (yay!!!) but it still needs some ironing out… but I will be asking for beta readers here soon. =) Oh, it would be wonderful if I could get it published though!
Christianity has not been tried and found wanting, it has been found difficult and left untried. ~ G.K.C.
I’d be happy to beta read for you.
"Remember, you go nowhere by accident. Wherever you go, God is sending you." - Rev. Peter R. Hale
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