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*waves* It’s me. Your friendly neighborhood INFP. The crazy one. The one who writes books.

And… yeah. That’s half of the guild. XD

*coughs* Onward. To state it simply, I’ve been wrestling with a particular issue over the last year and a half and could use some prayer.

Why didn’t I say anything before? Well… that’s kinda the issue. 😛 I have a problem isolating myself. Four parts terror (people are scary, man) two parts pride (who needs community? *tremendous eyeroll* you do, idiot) and the rest of it trust issues. That I have absolutely no reason for, yet here we are.

It didn’t use to be a problem. I’m an introvert, a wild creative in a very practical family, live in the middle of nowhere with the nearest real friends an hour’s drive away, but none of it was ever an issue until I started looking into publishing my writing and realized it was something I couldn’t do ‘all by myself’. More than just platform-building, I need the support and friendship of community behind me to help me in this endeavor.

I have two, three, maybe four really close friends, but number of friends isn’t the problem, and won’t be the solution. It’s my mentality of ‘I need to do this by myself’.

As I’ve examined myself in the past sixteen months and gradually come to realize that this is more than just an inconvenience— it’s a serious character issue that could cause pain down the road— I also realized I have no idea where this comes from. If I’m honest, it’s probably mostly pride fed by insecurity. Like I prove something to myself every time I tackle a mountain alone. But it’s a vicious circle. Sooner or later I was bound to come across a mountain I couldn’t tackle, and then bye-bye to my illusions of independence and self-sufficiency. Thankfully I was never stupid enough to turn my back on God, but it was kind of a ‘God, let me rely on You and not have to deal with any of the other stuff (read, blessings, as I now understand them) that comes with being helped, like other people’.

Are you flattered yet? 😛

I found that impossible mountain at the beginning of this year when I decided I would be publishing my first. With the creative process of writing I had a little bit of an edge— I wasn’t a wonder-child, but I loved it and had a little knack for it already, due to having read so many excellent books. Publishing… I didn’t even know where to start. It was like a fish suddenly deciding to become a kite one day.

There have been mountains in my life, and though they’re teeny tiny compared to what others have gone through they still seemed large to me. I’ve struggled through the writing process of nine novels, learning one mistake at a time. I plowed through a year and a half of painful hearing disorder, and months of intensive therapy. In the middle of chaos I basically created myself as an author— with the help of a few friends and my own stubborn determination, I worked and worked until I felt I had all the tools I needed to conquer the mountain in the years to come. I swore to myself in the beginning that I would never be ‘one of those’ writers who spend their days doing nothing but fuss about their problems, propped up by the vacuous reassurances of friends and contentedly drunk on self-pity. But in my determination never to become that, I veered way too far in the other direction (story of my life…).

Roughly a year and a half ago I was convicted of taking pride in those accomplishments for myself, instead of giving God the glory. Surrender was a lesson I had learned well by this point, but the longer I live the more I realize surrender isn’t just a one-time thing. Each new thing you have to surrender is bigger than the last. I had surrendered my work to the Lord. Now I had to learn to surrender my pride in what I had accomplished. My self-sufficiency. *gulps* Mercifully, I’m only stubborn for as long as I’m not entirely convinced of the other side’s point, and God did a good job convincing me. 😛 That battle was over quickly, and though I’m sure I still have a million things to learn, at least I know this now.

The one thing I still struggle with is allowing myself to be open to, humbly honest with, and grateful for community. Old habits die hard. Opening hurts. I love community— the idea of it; the benefits, the fellowship, the encouragement of just knowing it exists. But as far as allowing myself to be vulnerable, and to rely on its warmth for myself… heh. It scares the living daylights out of me for no logical reason.

So. This is me taking steps to amend it. If I could have your prayers in this area, it would mean the world to me.

@Daeus-lamb @ethryndal @cindy @noahlitle @r-j-karas @r-m-archer @samuel