The Four Rebels chapter 2
May 11, 2020 at 7:37 am #112161Kristianne@kristianne-hassman
Ooh, I really like how the story is going! Alyce seems like a very interesting character.
“There slowly walking through the hall, unaware that anyone was here, was Brian DeGribler, Cavensburg’s best army official.”
This sentence feels a little awkward. Maybe it might work better if you started with Brian DeGribler as the subject: “Brian DeGribler, Cavensburg’s best army official, was slowly walking through the hall, unaware that anyone was here.” Or you could say, “It was Brian DeGribler, Cavensburg’s best army official, walking through the hall, unaware that anyone was here.”
“It would take me three minutes to get out of the city. My countdown let me know that I had six minutes and twenty-one seconds left. I could make it. I had three minutes to get out of the building. I could do it.”
It seems slightly repetitive to say “I had three minutes to get out of the building. I could do it” after you already said you had three minutes to get out of the city. You can just leave those two sentences out and it would still make sense.
“This was where I
hadmade a big mistake.”
“I felt like the whole world
hadheard that shot.”
“No one would
havesuspect edthat one of the shots had killed the soldiers beloved Commander.”
“If anyone found it, our plans would fail.” –should be “If anyone found them”
“I could have easily
havetaken a shot, but Ranwick saw me.”
“Ite! Ite Alyce. Nisi forte tu es nobis. Quaeso, ire!” he cried out. It was Latin. He had taught it to me, Luke and Mark so we could talk in secret. “Go,” he had said. “Go Alyce. You are our only chance. Please, go!” Each word was a struggle for him. The soldiers were enjoying their chance to beat our leader. Ranwick gave me a pleading look. Then the soldiers whipped him again. He cried out. Then he shouted one last time in Latin, Ite! Go!
I have a question here: Wouldn’t the soldiers look behind them if Ranwick suddenly started crying out as if he were talking to someone? And would he put Alyce in danger like that by looking toward her and speaking? I understand that because he speaks in Latin, the soldiers wouldn’t understand him, but it might be better to have Ranwick speak fewer words, or give a gesture, or even communicate with his eyes so that it doesn’t seem as suspicious as suddenly crying out a whole sentence in another language.
“I was almost out of the city when I cried out in dismay and stopped abruptly in the shadows. Ranwick had been right about there being a large group of soldiers coming. Way more than I had every pictured. They were surrounding the city.”
It might be better to show the soldiers surrounding the city rather than telling us that. It would give the reader more of a feel of the size and threat of this enemy army if you described what it looked like to see an entire army surrounding a city. Also, could the soldiers hear her if she cried out? Or are they far enough away that they couldn’t hear her?
“The night was full of darkness.”
This seems slightly redundant since nights are dark by definition. You could take this out entirely and still get the meaning across.
“It would be worst in a second if I wasn’t past the tree.” –I think you mean “worse” instead of “worst”
“But I could barely think on that, for I was falling unconscious. That would be thought upon later. Soon I would know whether I had gone to the grave or still held on to that precious, valuable, priceless gift of life. Life that my people had given for a cause I wasn’t sure was worth it. I would only have to wait for those questions to be answered. Because I, Alyce Hinger, a murderer, and a rebel, was now unconscious.”
“That would be thought upon later”–this feels awkward the way it’s constructed. Maybe you could change it to “But I would think on that later.”
Also, it would be better if you showed her going unconscious rather than telling us. And the last sentence feels a little awkward. You could change it to something more descriptive like “I slipped into blackness” or something similar.
Courage, dear heart.May 11, 2020 at 9:53 am #112173Katja R@katja-r
For some reason I can’t get to the second page, but I read your comments in the email. Thank you so much for pointing those things out. I’ll see what I can do!
If you think you are too small to make a difference, try living with a mosquito.May 11, 2020 at 12:57 pm #112198Kristianne@kristianne-hassman
That’s happening to me too . . .
You’re welcome. I’m glad I could help!
Courage, dear heart.May 11, 2020 at 6:42 pm #112233Katja R@katja-r
If you think you are too small to make a difference, try living with a mosquito.May 14, 2020 at 9:17 am #112458Livi Ryddle@anne_the_noob14
Woah… Again, wonderful suspense!! I’m gonna be completely honest and say that not many of the books I’ve read have me on the edge of my seat, with bated breath, this quickly. Very nice!
“Enough! Be quiet! I can’t hear myself think! I can’t hear my teeth chatter!"
- The forum ‘Fantasy Writers’ is closed to new topics and replies.