fb

Fantasy Writers

The Four Rebels chapter 2

Viewing 5 posts - 16 through 20 (of 20 total)
  • Author
    Posts
  • #112161
    Kristianne
    @kristianne-hassman

    @katja-r

    Ooh, I really like how the story is going! Alyce seems like a very interesting character.

    “There slowly walking through the hall, unaware that anyone was here, was Brian DeGribler, Cavensburg’s best army official.”

    This sentence feels a little awkward. Maybe it might work better if you started with Brian DeGribler as the subject: “Brian DeGribler, Cavensburg’s best army official, was slowly walking through the hall, unaware that anyone was here.” Or you could say, “It was Brian DeGribler, Cavensburg’s best army official, walking through the hall, unaware that anyone was here.”

    “It would take me three minutes to get out of the city. My countdown let me know that I had six minutes and twenty-one seconds left. I could make it. I had three minutes to get out of the building. I could do it.”

    It seems slightly repetitive to say “I had three minutes to get out of the building. I could do it” after you already said you had three minutes to get out of the city. You can just leave those two sentences out and it would still make sense.

    This was where I had made a big mistake.”

    “I felt like the whole world had heard that shot.”

    “No one would have suspected that one of the shots had killed the soldiers beloved Commander.”

    “If anyone found it, our plans would fail.” –should be “If anyone found them”

    “I could have easily have taken a shot, but Ranwick saw me.”

    “Ite! Ite Alyce. Nisi forte tu es nobis. Quaeso, ire!” he cried out. It was Latin. He had taught it to me, Luke and Mark so we could talk in secret. “Go,” he had said. “Go Alyce. You are our only chance. Please, go!” Each word was a struggle for him. The soldiers were enjoying their chance to beat our leader. Ranwick gave me a pleading look. Then the soldiers whipped him again. He cried out. Then he shouted one last time in Latin, Ite! Go!

    I have a question here: Wouldn’t the soldiers look behind them if Ranwick suddenly started crying out as if he were talking to someone? And would he put Alyce in danger like that by looking toward her and speaking? I understand that because he speaks in Latin, the soldiers wouldn’t understand him, but it might be better to have Ranwick speak fewer words, or give a gesture, or even communicate with his eyes so that it doesn’t seem as suspicious as suddenly crying out a whole sentence in another language.

    “I was almost out of the city when I cried out in dismay and stopped abruptly in the shadows. Ranwick had been right about there being a large group of soldiers coming. Way more than I had every pictured. They were surrounding the city.”

    It might be better to show the soldiers surrounding the city rather than telling us that. It would give the reader more of a feel of the size and threat of this enemy army if you described what it looked like to see an entire army surrounding a city. Also, could the soldiers hear her if she cried out? Or are they far enough away that they couldn’t hear her?

    “The night was full of darkness.”

    This seems slightly redundant since nights are dark by definition. You could take this out entirely and still get the meaning across.

    “It would be worst in a second if I wasn’t past the tree.” –I think you mean “worse” instead of “worst”

    “But I could barely think on that, for I was falling unconscious. That would be thought upon later. Soon I would know whether I had gone to the grave or still held on to that precious, valuable, priceless gift of life. Life that my people had given for a cause I wasn’t sure was worth it. I would only have to wait for those questions to be answered. Because I, Alyce Hinger, a murderer, and a rebel, was now unconscious.”

    “That would be thought upon later”–this feels awkward the way it’s constructed. Maybe you could change it to “But I would think on that later.”

    Also, it would be better if you showed her going unconscious rather than telling us. And the last sentence feels a little awkward. You could change it to something more descriptive like “I slipped into blackness” or something similar.

    Courage, dear heart.

    #112173
    Katja R
    @katja-r

    @kristianne-hassman

    For some reason I can’t get to the second page, but I read your comments in the email. Thank you so much for pointing those things out. I’ll see what I can do!

    -Katja

    If you think you are too small to make a difference, try living with a mosquito.

    #112198
    Kristianne
    @kristianne-hassman

    @katja-r

    That’s happening to me too . . .

    You’re welcome. I’m glad I could help!

    Courage, dear heart.

    #112233
    Katja R
    @katja-r

    @abigail-rebekah

    Second chapter.

    -Katja

    If you think you are too small to make a difference, try living with a mosquito.

    #112458
    Livi Ryddle
    @anne_the_noob14

    @katja-r

    Woah… Again, wonderful suspense!! I’m gonna be completely honest and say that not many of the books I’ve read have me on the edge of my seat, with bated breath, this quickly. Very nice!

    “Enough! Be quiet! I can’t hear myself think! I can’t hear my teeth chatter!"

Viewing 5 posts - 16 through 20 (of 20 total)
  • You must be logged in to reply to this topic.

Enroll in Our Seven-Day Mindset Challenge Course

Enter your email to begin taking the course. We'll send you a link to begin the mindset course along with emails to help you grow in your writing craft!

You've joined the course! Check your email to watch the first video.

Plotting Is Hard

That’s why we created a worksheet that will help you make sure your story hits all the right plot beats.

 

Sign up below to learn how to ace story structure.

Congratulations! Redirecting you to the plot sheet in one moment...

Stop Using Meaningless Character Questionnaires

Knowing your character's favorite ice cream flavor won't help you write engaging protagonists.

 

Our questionnaire is different. Use it to discover your character's core fears, longings, hopes, and needs.

Congratulations! Redirecting you to the character questionnaire in one moment...

Enjoying This Article? Get the Full Series!

 You can download the entire Tricky Subjects for Christian Storytellers series in e-book form for free!

 Learn how to wisely handle subjects like violence, language, and sex as a writer.

Congratulations! Redirecting you to the eBook in one moment...

Worldbuild Smarter, Not Harder

 Some worldbuilding questionnaires force you to answer as many questions as possible about your world.

 

Ours doesn’t. Answer targeted questions that reveal what’s actually important about your world.

Congratulations! Redirecting you to the worldbuilding questionnaire in one moment...

Take Your Style to the Next Level

Take Your Style to the Next Level

The written word matters to God.

 

Does it matter to you?

 

Learn how to develop an eloquent, practical, and personal style by downloading our free e-book.

Congratulations! Redirecting you to the eBook in one moment...

Every Year, Thousands of Writers Give Up

Every Year, Thousands of Writers Give Up

 Don’t be the next.

 

We understand how exhausting writing can be, so download our free e-book and find inspiration to press on!

Congratulations! Redirecting you to the eBook in one moment...

Don't Be That Kind of Christian Writer

Want to impact the world for Christ with your writing—without being preachy or cliched?

 

Learn how to avoid common pitfalls and craft powerful themes by downloading our free worksheet!

Congratulations! Redirecting you to the theme worksheet in one moment...

So You Have Clichés in Your Novel...

Thankfully, we’re here to help!

 

Enter your email below, and we’ll send you a simple process for smashing clichés.

Congratulations! Redirecting you to the cliche worksheet in one moment...

Sign Up for Updates

Enter your email to receive updates on the Engaging Plots Summit, along with emails to help you grow in your writing craft!

You have successfully subscribed for updates!

Does Christian Fiction Need to Be Clean?

Our Tricky Subjects for Christian Storytellers e-book examines how to depict sensitive topics like violence, language, and sex with realism and wisdom. Sign up to download it for free!

Congratulations! Redirecting you to the eBook in one moment...

Poetry Isn't Just for Poets

Poetry Isn't Just for Poets

It can also help novelists write better stories!

Get our Harnessing the Power of Poetry e-book to learn how techniques used by skilled poets can enrich your storytelling.

Congratulations! Redirecting you to the eBook in one moment...

Enjoying This Article? Get the Full Series!

Enjoying This Article? Get the Full Series!

You can download the entire Harnessing the Power of Poetry series in e-book form for free!

Learn what surprising insights and techniques novelists can glean from poets.

Congratulations! Redirecting you to the eBook in one moment...

Uncover the Secret to Relatable Characters

Uncover the Secret to Relatable Characters

Learning how to help readers connect with your story's characters doesn't need to be a mystery.

Get our Evoking Reader Empathy e-book to discover how successful authors build empathy.

Congratulations! Redirecting you to the eBook in one moment...

Stop Using Meaningless Character Questionnaires

Stop Using Meaningless Character Questionnaires

Knowing your character's favorite ice cream flavor won't help you write engaging protagonists.

 

Our questionnaire is different. Use it to discover your character's core fears, longings, hopes, and needs.

 

 

Congratulations! Redirecting you to the character questionnaire in one moment...

Plotting Is Hard

Plotting Is Hard

That’s why we created a worksheet that will help you make sure your story hits all the right plot beats.

 

Sign up below to learn how to ace story structure.

Congratulations! Redirecting you to the plot sheet in one moment...

Learn What the Bible Says about Engaging Plots

Learn What the Bible Says about Engaging Plots

Enter your email to get your guide, along with other resources to help you grow in your writing craft!

You have successfully subscribed for updates!

Pin It on Pinterest