Critique desired… please help (3k words)
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In the following section, I am wondering if it is too long winded, if it is <i>boring or drags… Hanniumm just recovered from his injuries and Aefflaed challenges him to prove he is recovered by transforming into a tannink’esh, a creature she has only heard about but doesn’t know much about besides that it is a mythical, legendary creature. If you see any other issues or concerns while reading, please let me know. I would appreciate any help I can get… </i>
The Creatures of Myf
The next morning, Hanniumm insisted on taking us all to a wide-open clearing a few minutes away from the hovel.
“It’s not like I can transform into a creature of Myf inside all these trees,” he’d said.
“Just how many creatures of Myf can you transform into now?” asked Semiramis as we walked through the forest.
“Still just three,” said Hanniumm. “I can’t seem to get the hang of the anqingon.”
“Three?” I asked in astonishment. “I’d love to see them!”
Hanniumm chuckled. “You never ask for easy things, do you?”
I squinted my eyes at him and grinned. “Are you calling me high maintenance?”
“Why? Are you claiming it?” He returned my stare and my grin.
I laughed. “I thought you preferred it that way. You always seem to take the hardest way out.”
Hanniumm shrugged. “Can never have too much training.”
Semiramis and I exchanged glances. “Yes you can,” we replied. He’d almost killed himself on the way to the stavis forest because he didn’t know when to stop. Forcing him to rest was like putting a toddler to bed.
We came to the clearing, and Hanniumm motioned for us to stay at the outer edge of the field as he walked out into the middle of it. Rubbing his hands together, he yelled out to us, “Just a bit of a warm-up, first.”
Starting in a sprint, Hanniumm dove and transformed into a cheetah. His speed increased as he crossed the clearing in an instant. Jumping as he reached the edge, he transformed into a panther. His black fur glistened in the morning light as he climbed up a tree and disappeared into the forest.
“Where’d he go?” I asked.
Semiramis looked down at the ground, blushing.
What was that about?
I peered at the twins. Nicte refused to make eye contact with me, his hands resting above his head.
“He’s gone to get naked,” said Yaxkin with his usual flat expression.
Semiramis scoffed. “Tactless as ever.” She grabbed my arm to get my attention. “You know what gaabans are, right?”
I nodded. “Yeah.”
“They stretch to match an aygiff’s transformations.” Semiramis broke eye contact, her face getting redder. “Well, when the animal is too small or too big, it won’t work. It’ll slip off or rip in half.”
Understanding dawned on me. “Oh.”
Suddenly, a peregrine falcon screeched, flew in, and reached its claws out at me.
I screamed and tried to retreat, but Semiramis grabbed my arm and held me in place.
“It’s Hanniumm,” she said.
I was scared, but I held still. The bird landed on my shoulder, squawked at me, then jumped back into the air.
Rising high up into the sky, it spun and dove at the ground, falling at extreme speeds.
I was enthralled, but then my heart caught in my throat. It wasn’t slowing down. I raised a hand to my mouth and gasped as the falcon disappeared upon impact with the ground.
Trembling, I clutched at Semirami’s arm sleeve. “No.”
She glanced at me and smiled. “Just watch.”
Confused, I stared out across the empty clearing. A low rumbling rose above the natural sounds of the forest, then I started to feel vertigo, as if the ground underneath me wasn’t stable. The sensation grew stronger, and then I realized the earth was shaking.
I glanced at Semiramis, but she was still smiling with her arms crossed.
Then, as if the ground were made of liquid, a giant worm thrust its head out of the earth. It arced up higher than the trees, opened his mouth, and let out a high-pitched screech. It had no recognizable face, just the mouth that opened from the center of its round head. Toothless gums were all I could see from within it; however, its mouth was so wide, it could have easily swallowed the hovel whole without any trouble.
“Wh-what is that thing?” I asked.
Nicte laughed, his hands on his hips. “Still as crazy as ever.”
“It’s a gippscolide,” said Yaxkin. “Think of it as a giant earthworm on steroids.”
The enormous worm twisted around in the air.
“It’s more than that,” argued Semiramis. “It’s one of Hanniumm’s creatures of Myf,” she told me.
Wrapping around itself, the worm extricated the rest of its body from the ground. Coiled like a massive, giant snake, the worm rested for a moment, then began to change.
Hanniumm’s shape shifted to that of the large frog-like toad I’d seen during the fight against the vaelintrien – the toad taller than the hills themselves. It seemed even larger than before.
“Creature of Myf, number two,” said Nicte.
“I’ve seen this one before,” I muttered, still in awe of its size.
“Ah, you’ve seen a saliero?” Nicte asked.
I glanced at him. “Not a real one. I saw Hanniumm use it in his fight against Cairbre.”
The saliero’s tongue shot out and wrapped itself around a tree on the opposite side of the clearing. With a great groan, the tree uprooted and disappeared into the saliero’s mouth.
I back-stepped at the show of force. “What’s he doing?”
Semiramis and the twins seemed just as confused.
A second tree cracked and disappeared at the whip of the saliero’s tongue.
“Target practice?” suggested Nicte.
My mouth gaped open.
“Safe to say he’s fully recovered, eh?” Semiramis nudged me.
“Uh-huh.” Mount frogs really existed. It was my mother’s favorite fairy tale when I was little. A giant toad as big as a mountain who could leap over oceans and eat entire forests in a single gulp.
While that may have been an exaggeration, here was a real, live one standing right in front of me, swallowing grown trees like it was nothing. I couldn’t believe I hadn’t made the connection the first time.
“Ma always told me a mount frog would gobble me up if I didn’t eat my greens,” I said in a daze.
Semiramis chuckled. “Mine too.”
I looked at her, managing to close my mouth before it completely dried out. “But it’s called a saliero?”
“Yes.” Semiramis nodded. “But that’s just its proper name. Mount frog’s another name for it.”
I looked back out, but the saliero was gone. A young buck circled the ground at its feet and laid down in the middle of the clearing.
“What now?” I asked.
“Hmm.” Nicte sat and the others followed. “Looks like he’s gonna take a short break.”
“A break?” I asked, looking around at the three sitting around me.
“Fifteen minutes,” said Yaxkin.
I sat.
“It’s an old habit of the general,” said Semiramis. “It’s his way of taking a power nap. Apparently deer are really good at taking short, efficient naps.”
“Aw, I’ve always wanted to pet a deer.” He looked so cute and gentle, resting in that form.
Nicte burst out laughing. “Go for it!”
“Nicte!” scolded Semiramis. “I wouldn’t,” she told me swiftly.
“Why?” I asked.
Semiramis avoided eye contact. “The general gets real grumpy when his naps are interrupted.”
I had to laugh. Semiramis looked like she spoke from experience. “Really?”
She turned her head away. “Yeah,” she muttered.
Nicte laughed. “That’s not all, is it, Semiramis?”
Semiramis’ face turned beet red. “Nicte, don’t you dare.”
“The general prefers to take his power naps without his gaaban on, so-”
Semiramis screamed. “Nicte, I’m gonna kill you!”
Jumping to his feet, Nicte bolted, Semiramis chasing after him. They ran around us and out through the trees. His laughter filled the forest.
Nicte’s meaning was clear. With such heat in my cheeks, I wondered if it was as red as Semiramis’ was.
“Ow!” Nicte’s voice called out.
Semiramis strutted back to us, crossed her arms and sat.
Nicte walked back a bit slower. He rubbed the back of his head and gave me a sheepish grin with his tongue sticking out. Did Nicte like Semiramis or something?
Scooching over, I whispered to Semiramis. “Nicte sure does tease you a lot. Does he have a thing for you?”
Semiramis scoffed. “Oh, please! He’s such a nuisance… He’s not my type.” She ran a finger through her hair. “Plus, he’s so much younger than me. Id’ never go for someone like that.”
“Really?”
“Yeah,” Semiramis scowled. “He’s only 16.”
“16!” I about hollered. Berating myself, I leaned in closer. “He’s only 16? I thought he was, like, mid-twenties.”
She chuckled. “I’m not even in my mid- twenties.”
“You aren’t?”
The look of hurt disappeared quickly. “I take it you’ve never met many scyphozomes.”
I shook my head. “They’re my first.”
Semiramis scratched under her chin. “You can’t really call what they have hair, but I’ve never really figured out a better word for it.”
“It is rather strange-”
“They’re practically born with hair on their chins,” she said. “Makes them look a lot older than they are. Well, at least until they hit, like, 35 or 40.”
“You ladies done talking about me?” asked Nicte with a grin.
“Nah,” said Semiramis. “We just finished listing off all your bad qualities.”
“Oh good,” he said. “The list of good ones will take at least twice as long.” He scooted forward, as if anticipating us to continue.
“As if,” scoffed Semiramis.
I couldn’t believe how wrong I was about their ages. But then, their behavior made a lot more sense now.
The sun inched toward its zenith, and I wondered how Hanniumm could sleep in the middle of the day like that.
“So, does this mean Hanniumm’s not fully recovered yet?” I asked. “Did he push himself too far?”
Semiramis shook her head. “I don’t think so. Transforming into any creature of Myf is exceptionally hard. I haven’t heard of a single person being able to do it besides general Hanniumm.
“Oh. What makes him so special?” I muttered.
“He’s probably just stalling,” said Nicte.
“Stalling?” I asked. “Why?”
“Hannium hates transforming into a full tannink’esh.”
I glanced between Nicte and the resting form of the deer. “Really?”
“It is the strongest creature in his arsenal,” said Semiramis. “I can’t imagine it’s easy to do.”
Yaxkin cleared his throat. “I heard it makes him sick.”
“Yeah,” said Nicte. “I did too.”
“Why would that be?” I asked.
“Cause the organs are all wrong,” said Nicte.
Yaxkin nodded.
“Wrong how.”
“Oh, I’d forgotten about that,” said Semiramis. “I heard him talking about it, too. The tannink’esh’s stomach is in its throat, right?”
“Close,” said Nicte, tapping the top of his sternum.
“Really?” I asked. “That doesn’t seem physically possi-”
“The tannink’esh doesn’t need a rib cage,” said Nicte. “It’s like half snake, half lizard, except its scales are one of the hardest substances in existence.”
Still confused, I asked, “But doesn’t that leave its underside vulnerable?”
Semiramis shook her head. “The tannink’esh doesn’t have a soft underbelly. It’s scaled all over.”
I squinted my eyes at them. “So then, its lungs and heart?”
“Where its stomach should be,” answered Semiramis.
“How bizarre,” I said.
The twins nodded in agreement.
“Hmm, but why would that cause Hanniumm physical discomfort? Lots of animals have internal organs in different locations.”
Yaxkin shrugged.
“I don’t know,” said Semiramis.
Nicte stared out across the clearing. “Same. All I know is, it makes him throw up every time.”
I grimaced. “Really?”
Pity was written across Nicte’s face as he peered at me. “Really.”
Hanniumm’s words repeated in my head. “You don’t know what you’re asking.” So this is what he meant. Now I kind of regretted making that requirement.
We waited in silence; however, Hanniumm started transforming before we realized it.
Nicte noticed it first. “Oh!”
A long, reptilian body filled the clearing, its backside extending out to the far edge of the field and into the region Hanniumm previously tore trees from. The body trimmed near the end and then spanned out into a webbed tail. It reminded me of the dolphin’s tail I’d once seen in a book, but nearly twice as long and twice as thick.
While its lower regions looked more like a snake, it had two thick, pudgy hind legs with bouldering nails that made it look like the creature had eternally bent fingers. Between its hind and front legs, it looked more like a lizard, except Semiramis was right. It had scales covering every inch of its body.
Half way up its side, one massive scale arched up and peaked just beyond its front legs, giving its back a short, pyramidal physique.
Its front legs were unique. I’d never seen anything like it. Instead of the typical legs stemming from the core of its body, wings sprouted from it. They were scaled. Thick near the front, and angled thin toward the back. They took on the general shape of an albatross wing, except near the wing’s bend. From it, front claws extended and held the creature up.
Would it be considered a wing, or a leg? Either way, how could such a thing lift that massive creature into the air?
The Tannink’esh’s chest rose near vertically into the air just past the leg wings, if that was a passable name for them, and its head reminded me of a lion, except with horns.
Upon closer inspection, the head wasn’t quite that of a lion. It had a short, extended snout and fierce eyes, like a lion, but what I had interpreted as a mane was something else entirely. I was unsure what to call it. Large lobes of cylindrical posts extended from around the creature’s face, rounded at the ends. Along the rounded ends, frilly hairs branched out and created the mysterious visage of an eccentric-looking mane.
What I’d first mistaken as horns were actually ears. They rose vertically from the top of its head, behind the frilled mane. The ears faced opposite sides, peaked at a point, and angled down, connecting seamlessly to the nape of the creatures neck.
The tannink’esh roared. My hands shot up to cover my ears. Even covered, the roar was so loud, it was painful. Birds from all around the forest rose, nearly as one. They blacked out whole sections of the sky with their numbers, then scattered, fleeing from the tannink’esh as fast as they could.
I gasped as what I thought were giant back scales opened up to reveal massive bat-like wings. It had no pyramidal-shaped back; those were its wings! Or, its second set of wings?
The clearing was almost too small for this creature, and hundreds of branches, sticks, and twigs rained down as the tannink’esh batted its second set of wings. The wind lashed at us, and we raised our hands and backed away as the mighty beast rose into the air.
However, its leg wings closed and lay against its body. Were they not wings? What were they used for?
Hanniumm flew around us, his shadow blanketing wide swaths of land below him. The creature looked like a massive snake, flying in the sky, who’d just eaten a large dinner. He roared once more, then disappeared some distance into the forest.
“Um.” I spun with wide-eyed amazement. “Why’d it have four wings? It didn’t even use its smaller set.”
Nicte and Semiramis exchanged glances, then Nicte chuckled.
“Those weren’t wings,” said Semiramis. “They were fins.”
“Fins?”
“Tannink’esh are aquatic creatures.” said Yaxkin.
“They start off that way,” corrected Semiramis. “They live most of their lives in the water. Then they fly off whenever they head for their mating grounds.”
I scoffed in amazement. “That did not look like an aquatic creature.”
The twins shrugged.
This all seemed so incredulous. “And they have to fly to get to their mating grounds? Just where do they mate?”
“In high elevation volcanoes,” said Yaxkin.
I stood there with my mouth gaping open, dumbfounded.
After a while, a black horse trotted up to us from deep in the forest. It neighed, then circled me and nubbed me in the arm with its nose.
It had a black, leathery cloth covering its hindquarters, stretched taut to the skin. “Hanniumm?”
It neighed again.
I ran my hand down its mane. Its pure black coat reminded me of the night sky, and its mane flowed through my fingers. “So pretty. Hanniumm, you’re beautiful!”
The hair disappeared from my hand and Hanniumm stood, transformed back into a man. He glowered at me.
Nicte bent over, holding his side, as he burst out laughing. “Beautiful!” he spat.
The general’s cheeks took on a rosy complexion as he turned and fetched his robe.
“Aw.” Nicte chortled. “Is the general embawassed cause the lady called him pwetty?”
Hanniumm finished donning his robe and straightened up. Turning, he walked up to Nicte. As he got closer, Nicte’s grin slowly began to disappear.
A shiver went down my back. The general had a strained smile, and it reminded me of the king’s smile when Semiramis had called Nicte and Yaxkin the trouble twins.
Hanniumm grabbed Nicte by the shoulders and got up in his face. “The lady can call me what she wants.”
Nicte’s eyes went wide and his mouth cracked open as Hanniumm patted him on the cheek, then let go.
Walking off into the clearing once more, Hanniumm headed for the hole the gippscolide had made, leaned down, and picked something up.
He slowly walked back, but even after crossing the distance, Nicte remained in the exact spot with the same wide-eyed look on his face.
Walking up to Nicte, I waved my hand in front of his face. No reaction.
I turned to Hanniumm. “What did you do to him?
He had a sly grin on his face that sent another shiver down my spine. “Don’t worry. It’ll wear off in a few minutes.”
“You paralyzed him?” I accused.
Hanniumm ignored my question. “So, did I pass?”
I narrowed my eyes at Hanniumm. Shooting my hand up, I wiped some of the sweat off his brow.
He stepped back in surprise.
Showcasing the moisture collected on my fingertips, I said, “I can’t say you’re at one hundred percent.” I swished my hands down, then wiped them off on Hanniumm’s robe. “But you pass. As long as you promise not to transform until we get to the king.”
He scrunched his brow and scoffed.
Raising my brows, I stared him down. “Not even once.”
He opened his mouth, then closed it. Turning his head, his shoulders slumped. “Suppose that’s fair.”
“Good,” I said. “Then we can head back now. We’ll leave the moment we’re packed.”
I turned to go, but Hanniumm held out his fist, face down.
Cocking my head to the side, I put my hand out.
Hanniumm opened his fist, and a grape-sized diamond fell into my hand.
I gasped. “Um, thank you!”
Walking past me, Hanniumm said, “We’re done here. Let’s go.”
I turned my body to follow but continued to watch Nicte. He still hadn’t moved a muscle.
“What about Nicte?”
“Like I said,” he grinned. “It’ll wear off soon.”
Christianity has not been tried and found wanting, it has been found difficult and left untried. ~ G.K.C.
wasn’t sure who else to call out to, but I remembered you did ask to be updated if I posted another section… This one isn’t too emotional, like the last one, but hopefully a bit of fun…
Christianity has not been tried and found wanting, it has been found difficult and left untried. ~ G.K.C.
WOW. Just… WOW. You have this sense of humor running throughout, and each of the characters are so different that they’re easy to tell apart, though each are relatable too. Your prose is exquisite, and your worldbuilding is incredible!! Which means I need a picture of the tannik’esh. Like now. XD
One word of critique:
I looked back out, but the saliero was gone. A young buck circled the ground at its feet and laid down in the middle of the clearing.
I’m pretty sure the “its” in this sentence means the buck, but when I first read it, I thought you were referring to the saliero’s feet, and it was gone. *shrugs* Thought it was worth mentioning.
“In high elevation volcanoes,” said Yaxkin.
That was so funny. XDDDD I don’t even know why. XD
Thanks for sharing! Tag me if you ever post more. 😛
I need a picture of the tannik’esh. Like now. XD
haha! so do I!!! Let me know if you find one!
I looked back out, but the saliero was gone. A young buck circled the ground at its feet and laid down in the middle of the clearing. I’m pretty sure the “its” in this sentence means the buck, but when I first read it, I thought you were referring to the saliero’s feet, and it was gone. *shrugs* Thought it was worth mentioning.
You know, I wondered that myself, but at the same time… I didn’t change it because the young buck circled the ground at its feet, but it also circled the ground where the saliero’s feet had just been……. so if it is read one way or the other, I figured it was still accurate….
“In high elevation volcanoes,” said Yaxkin. That was so funny. XDDDD I don’t even know why. XD
haha. perhaps it is because it is Yaxkin saying it… but I am super glad the characters are relatable and distinct. Yaxkin and Nicte are twins, but their personalities are like total opposites. And the friendship between Semiramis and Aefflaed (my protagonist) is very important, because in the next book, the protagonist is Aefflaed’s son… Aefflaed died when her son was young, and an invading army kills Hanniumm before the second book begins, so her son (Abirami, who is the character I am using in the character castle) is orphaned and subsequently raised by Semiramis. (But don’t worry, Abirami takes after his parents. =) )
Christianity has not been tried and found wanting, it has been found difficult and left untried. ~ G.K.C.
1) This was a great way of introducing different creatures in your world –very engaging.
2) I did find myself skimming the description of the Tannink’esh from “A long reptilian body filled the clearing…connecting seamlessly to the nape of the creatures neck.” So those paragraphs could probably be condensed. I think I got a fairly good idea of the creature from the rest of the dialogue. However, I will say that by the time I got to those paragraphs, I was curious about the creature –so you’d definitely earned some exposition.
3) This section was confusing:
The look of hurt disappeared quickly. “I take it you’ve never met many scyphozomes.”
I shook my head. “They’re my first.”
Why did she have a hurt look? It was also confusing since it took me a minute to realize she was still talking about Nicte –but if I was more aware of the context, that he was one of the twins and he was a scyphozomes–it probably wouldn’t have been a problem.
4) The scene switches from calling the transforming guy from Hanniumm to the general –which is confusing.
thank you so much for reading and helping me with it! your comments were really helpful! Yes, there were some context things, I think, that would be confusing. but I’m glad there wasn’t anything vital that was confusing. Semiramis was hurt for a moment cause Aefflaed thought her older than she was, but it passed quickly. And yeah… Hanniumm is first introduced in the book as a general – in fact, one of the three top generals in the nation.
and… I’m glad you think the exposition was earned for the tannink’esh. I will try to condense them… but it is a unique, original creature, so describing it efficiently was… difficult. =) For the other two, I had base animals that easily compared them to, but the tannink’esh is entirely unique… (my world’s version of a dragon. =) )
Christianity has not been tried and found wanting, it has been found difficult and left untried. ~ G.K.C.
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