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@obrian-of-the-surface-world

I understand the spirit of your example (expound more to make the telling more interesting), so I will keep that in mind, but the example itself doesn’t work at all–mostly due to the fact that Drastan himself is a mercenary. xD

@joelle-stone

Thanks for the response!

Yeaaaah… it’s usually best to avoid using “then”. Maybe try Drastan glared at them before turning and striding away. Or Glaring, Drastan turned and strode away. If it’s a single instance, using “then” isn’t going to kill your prose.

I was very much leaning that way, and you’re example is excellent. It’s hard to decide sometimes, due to the fact that I read ‘then’ in published, popular books relatively often.

KILL THE COMMAAAAAA!!!!! *coughs* Ahem. Yes, it can go. Or try, Drastan placed a hand on the cool stone of the elegant building, glaring at Fadrique’s back.

Alrighty, I figured as much. 🙂

@the-inkspiller

Thanks so much for all the advice! I will being taking several notes on it.

I did want to comment on a couple things:

First off, in your re-writes of my examples, I noticed you used several semicolons. Though I do use them, I personally find them to break flow somewhat, and I’ve heard other authors say they should be used sparingly. Thoughts?

Secondly, I think I kinda disagree when it comes to starting a sentence with conjunctions (‘but’ & ‘and’). Though stringent grammar rules demand that you not, and I have had an English lover tell me not to, many, many well known authors do, and I find that it lets you break up sentences easier (as long as they are not used too often). Thoughts?

editorial needs

Well if you ever had time prose critique one of my chapters, I’d appreciate the assistance. 🙂 I find that having someone line-edit a chapter helps me improve my prose.

Aren’t metaphors and similes great?

Yep, I love ’em, especially similes. Though overusing them will drastically slow down pace.