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I know what should and shouldn’t be done in prose is highly nuanced and opinionated, but I chose a few examples that I find myself running into, to ask y’all about. So, my question is, in the following examples, are they okay as they are, or if not, how would you write them? (aka, is there a better way to write them?)

Here they are:

Alfonso and his chancery paid the mercenary captains, and the captains paid the mercenaries, but Drastan often got the feeling that their captains took even more than their greater share already demanded.

I chose this as a stand in for long sentences that are trying to tell several things. How would you rewrite this?

Darkness cloaked the world in shadows by the time Drastan had entered the streets of Toledo.

Something just feels off about this to me. Is ‘by the time’ a bad phrase to use?

Wren’s eyes widened.

My question for this one is whether or not I can write it for the current PoV character. So if Wren is the PoV character in limited third person, does it make sense to write that sentence?

 

Drastan glared at them, and then turned and strode away.

My question for this one is the word ‘then.’ Should it be used in instances like this, or should it be eschewed always or at least whenever possible?

“What do you see?” Drastan hissed, growing impatient.

This is a question of telling vs showing for me. Is the phrase ‘growing impatient’ feel like pure telling, or is it something that you would write while still trying to feel close to the character’s head?

Drastan placed a hand on the cool stone of the elegant building, and glared at Fadrique’s back.

So, I’ve taken relatively advanced grammar (though I do think the use of sentence fragments enhances fiction a ton), but when it comes to comma usage, I am quite lacking. The above example uses a comma after ‘building,’ is that necessary? I find myself running into this a lot when dealing with conjunctions. My main worry is flow, not stringent grammar rules, but answers on either one would be appreciated.

Drastan was by his side in a flash, a long knife gripped in his hand.

Would you say ‘with a long knife gripped in his hand?’

Drastan was about to tell Fadrique that he was wasting their time

Is the bolded ‘that’ needed?

Crackling torches that rose a full head above Drastan lined the stone paths, illuminating its lavish contents.

Is the bolded ‘that’ needed?

The young woman’s mouth worked for a moment, and then she nodded.

For some reason, I don’t like this sentence. How would you write it?

Drastan rubbed his head as she began gathering the knives and sword.

Would you replace ‘began gathering’ with ‘gathered?’ I.e, are words like ‘began’ and ‘start’ ever okay to use?

“Yes. I’m having a hard time piecing together who in the world is after us. The fact that all three of us were attacked–” Drastan swallowed as an image of Kelren’s pierced chest flashed through his mind. “–it clearly shows that whoever wants us dead has something to do with last night’s murder.”

For some reason, I’m having a hard time finding how to properly punctuate a break in dialouge with m dashes. How should the above be written?

Then the wave hit.

That was when the door swung open.

Above are two examples of almost speaking as if the character is telling you what happened, not as if it is happening to the character. Would you ever write a sentence like that for third person limited?

She felt no panic, no anxiety, nothing. But that didn’t mean she had surrendered self-preservation.

Two questions here. In the first sentence, is that too much telling for emotion? In the second sentence, would you ever use the phrase ‘but that didn’t mean?’

Ignoring the sensation of vulnerability that lying on the ground while talking gave to her, she said,

How would you write the above?

 

With a skipping step that matched the flute notes filling the air, Wren entered the inn’s main hall.

Would you use the bolded ‘that’ above?

If you could give your thoughts on at least some of the questions, I would be grateful.

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