Activity

Dilemma: I’ve got conflicting feedback on my blurb. Some say I should change it, others that I shouldn’t.

I’m in search of opinionated people to help clear me out of this muddle.

Here’s what I had:

In the beginning, the Songkiller sang chaos into the fabric of the world. Now, he’s returning to finish his dark symphony…

Exton hunts to redeem past weakness by slaying the Songkiller, an immortal magician whose curse has haunted Exton’s life and all of humanity for a thousand years.

Three men accompany him, each with fears and aims that could jeopardize the quest: a world-weary wizard, a battle-hungry ranger, and a best friend who begins to doubt him. Together, they must fight to save a backstabbing world without alienating each other in the process.

They’re a thousand years too late. As the Songkiller rises with death in his hands, Exton faces his own helplessness. The harder he tries, the worse he fails, and there are no second chances. No one escapes the Songkiller or his song of power…

The song that turns men to monsters

Lots of excitement! But the guy who’s been super helpful as an aggressive beta for this synopsis sent me this feedback:

“now I think we’re getting somewhere!

I think your last line belongs in your hook…

“A song that turns men into monsters. An immortal magician with a dreadful curse. A fractured band of adventurers trying to set things right.”

I think this will tell potential readers what kind of book it is without getting into details they don’t really understand.

Paragraph 1 is all one sentence. I would look for 3 – of escalating drama and crisis.

1) Exton is hunting the evil magician who killed his mother.
2) He wants to end the reign and break the curse – and redeem himself.
3) If he fails, the consequence will be death – or worse.

I would tell the second paragraph from Exton’s perspective rather than an omniscient view. What does he think about these companions? Does he trust them? Does he understand how they each have their own agenda that might conflict with his? I like the information this paragraph contains. And I like the turns of phrase. But it feels sort of “out there”, not really connected to anything.

I don’t understand the 1000 years too late bit in Paragraph 3. Too late for what? Song killer rising from what? From a throne? From the grave? From obscurity?

I like the line “the harder he tries, the worse he fails” – do you have a way to give an example of that?

There are no second chances – I think you mean that if he fails here, he won’t get a second chance. But this sort of is his second chance (since he failed as a boy) so that sort of confused me. I think you need to be more specific than the trope line.

I think there’s a fate worse than death hinted at here. You could be more specific about that. What does the evil magician do to those who oppose him? How does his magic turn them into monsters. That might be interesting to see.

I think this effort was a big step forward. Keep at it. This is very different from writing the story itself.”

Taking his word for it, I wrote this:

In the beginning, the Songkiller sang chaos into the fabric of the world. Now, he’s returning to finish his dark symphony…

Exton hunts the Songkiller, an immortal magician who killed his mother. His helpless past could be redeemed through victory. He’ll die if he fails.

His friends alone hold him back: a world-weary wizard Exton fears leads him astray, a careless ranger, and a best friend who trembles at Exton’s choices as much as at the ghost that haunts him.

Exton must give his all or else the Songkiller will drench the world in blood. But the harder Exton tries, the worse he falls into magician’s snare. No one escapes the Songkiller or his song of power…

Exton’s turning into a monster

A friend said she didn’t like it though and that the beta I quoted above seemed to be expressing personal preferences rather than hard facts.

What do you think?

@hope @taylorclogston @noahlitle @sarah-inkdragon @josiah @toklaham-veruzia @seekjustice @r-m-archer