Please Critique: Warning- Emotional Scene (1809 words)
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So, yeah… I teared up writing it, so get your Kleenex’s ready…
WARNING – This section discusses killing to the point of genocide as well as acts of prostitution. While the genocide and killing are in self-defense (due to a blood curse), and the prostitution was because she was in abject slavery practically from birth, if that make you uncomfortable, you may not want to read this. (it details what happened generally, but doesn’t go deep into sordid details).
Excerpt from WIP – Aefflaed’s Weakness: A Love Story (1809 words)
I stood and ran after him.
Shuffling past Yaxkin, I searched for him. The wind was strong, but there were a few small gaps in the clouds above, and the rain was light. Not seeing Hanniumm, I looked to Yaxkin and followed his gaze. Seeing a shifting shadow far inside the forest, I raced after it.
Hanniumm plodded along, his robe billowing behind him. He didn’t turn to the left or the right, even after I came up right beside him.
“Hanniumm, where are you going?” I asked between breaths.
“To end this.”
I quick-stepped to keep up with him. “The king gave me strict orders to keep you here until you’ve fully recovered.”
Hanniumm stopped and turned to me. He was even more handsome in the rain. “I assume the poison is gone?”
I slowed to a stop, then held my arm with my left hand. “Um, yeah. The antidote worked.”
“Then I’m cured,” Hanniumm said flatly. He turned and headed off again.
I hurried to his side once more. “That doesn’t mean you’re recovered. You still have that wound on your chest, and you need to rest and recover your strength.”
“I’ll recover on the way.” He was walking fast and wouldn’t slow down.
I had to keep him here somehow, but my mind was drawing a blank. “You… you can’t very well recover energy when you continue to use what little you have.”
“I know my limits.”
I was beginning to doubt that. Did he really know his limits, or was he just suicidal? Going up against a man like Cairbre half-cocked…
I stopped as an idea formed in my mind. “Fine. Transform into a tannink’esh.”
Hanniumm paused and looked back at me. “What?”
“If you want to convince me you’re recovered enough to face that vaelintrien, then prove it. Transform into that tannink’esh thing.” I crossed my arms and tried my best to look stern. Water droplets slid down my face, and I twitched and blinked to keep them from getting into my eye.
Hanniumm frowned, scoffed, then turned his back on me. “You don’t know what you’re asking.” He trudged on.
I rushed after him. “You can’t do it, can you? You’re too weak to even do that.”
“The tannink’esh is a creature of Myf. It is not so easily-”
“But you could do it, couldn’t you?” I asked. “If you weren’t so weak? If you were fully recovered.”
“I have nothing to prove.”
I reached out and grabbed his arm. “Then you have nothing to lose.” The rain slowed down to a light trickle.
Hanniumm paused, staring at the ground. “I won’t let anyone else get involved in this.” He pulled his arm from my grip and walked on.
I ran in front of him and stood in his way. “You’re not getting us involved. We already are.”
Hanniumm tried to walk around me, avoiding eye contact, so I moved to intercept.
“It was our choice to get involved, Hanniumm.”
He turned and headed away from me.
Running in front of him again, I placed a hand on his chest. “The king called you his friend.”
He finally looked me in the eyes, but then turned his back on me. “I can’t afford to lose him.”
“And we can’t afford to lose you.”
Hanniumm scoffed. “I’m expendable. You should all just forget about me.”
“Hanniumm, no.” How could he say such a thing.
“This is my problem. I started it, and I will finish it.” He began walking away again, but much slower this time. A portion of the sky was lit up as lightning flashed, hidden somewhere beyond the trees.
“No.” I followed behind him, the subsequent boom of thunder echoing in my ear. “That vaelintrien head sage, Maclohlan, started it when he cast the blood curse. That wasn’t your fault.”
The rain intensified as Hanniumm turned again and headed deeper into the forest. “Maclochlainne.”
“Um, yeah.” I stumbled forward as Hanniumm picked up the pace. “He started this, not you.”
“But I was the target.” The wind began picking up.
“You were just defending yourself.” I caught up and led him a little, trying to make eye contact.
Hanniumm raised his voice to match the falling rain. “And what’s one life compared to an entire race?” He angled his shoulders away from me and turned his head.
“I don’t think you can-”
“You just don’t get it.” Hanniumm spun around, reached out, and grasped my shoulders. “It didn’t stop at the capital.” Rain streaked down his face, and his grip was uncomfortably tight.
I winced. “You can’t blame yourself for self-defense.”
Letting go, he turned and slammed his fist into a tree.
“Day and night. Every waking moment. No matter where I chose to hide, it didn’t matter. Still, they found me. Every single time. They came, and I buried them.”
“What do you mean?” I asked.
“You just don’t get it.” Turning around, he grabbed me by the shoulders again. “The curse effected every single vaelintrien in the entire world, not just at Evonium. And until I’m dead, it will never stop. This curse never ends. Do you understand me?”
Hanniumm shook me as his sorrow mixed with terror. “They came in mobs, and then in groups, and then the groups just got smaller and smaller, until they were coming at me one by one. Face after face, I killed them all. Day after day, week after week. They wouldn’t stop.”
He put his shaking hands in front of my face. “I had to bury them, Aefflaed. It wasn’t just soldiers. It was women, children, and old ones too. I butchered an entire race, and it all would have stopped if I had just let myself die.”
Hanniumm fell to his knees and bowed his head. The rain pelted his back and dripped from his hair. Clenching his fists against his forehead, his whole body shook.
I dropped to my knees. I had no words for him. Was he right? Was it wrong for him to fight for his life at the expense of so many others? But he didn’t have a choice.
It was a blood curse. But, did that mean the vaelintrien’s didn’t have a choice either? A curse that would never end until Hanniumm was dead? Who would do such a thing?
I shook my head as tears mixed with the rain falling down my face. That was beside the point. The question was, what was Hanniumm to do? And how could I console him? Did I even have a right to say what he should do?
I didn’t even know what he should do. What would I have done?
That was a foolish question. I was no warrior. I’d have died on the very first night.
Hanniumm stopped shaking and slowly stood up. “It doesn’t matter anymore.”
I gazed up at him, straining to see as the rain fell into my eyes.
His eyes were red, and he was soaked to the bone. “Whether he dies or I die, the vaelintrien race is finished. He’s the last of his kind.”
Hanniumm turned and shuffled on.
It didn’t matter? Was he planning on letting the vaelintrien win? He was carrying the weight of that entire race on his shoulders. Sorrow filled my heart, and I raised my hand to my mouth as I began to whimper.
What could I do? What was I supposed to do?
Then my own past came to mind. I may have been ordered as a slave, but I had done things I wasn’t proud of. Time and time again, I did them, even though I knew they were wrong. My mother raised me to know right from wrong, yet still I did what they told me. I resigned myself to my fate.
But then Adalwin saved me, and he taught me the worth of a human life.
The teaching of my lorthew filled my mind, and I began to get angry. Angry at the vaelintrien who cast that curse. Angry at the pain and trials that curse put Hanniumm in. Angry at the world for seeming so unfair.
Standing, I took one step forward and screamed after him. “Murder is evil.”
Hanniumm stopped and dropped his head. “Then forget about me.” His shoulders slumped further over as he started moving again.
“But so is adultery.”
He stopped, the rain puddling at his feet.
I stomped over to him, shivering as my wet clothes weighed on me.
“I did things,” I yelled at him through the rain. “I did things over and over again, even though I knew they were wrong.”
He shook his head, refusing to make eye contact.
“I let men touch me, and I touched them. I even let them order me around to touch other women and to do other things that just aren’t natural.”
Even after moving over so that Hanniumm blocked much of the falling sheets of rain, I still couldn’t read Hanniumm’s face very well, but I didn’t care and I didn’t stop.
“I served many who had strange fetishes. Some beat me. Some tied me up. Some wanted to play house.” The wind howled through the trees as I hollered at him as loud as I could. “My masters spruced me up and sold me out like some prized turkey. And then they returned me for more. They told me to seduce a man, I did. They told me to drug a man, I did. They told me to steal, I stole. I was their puppet on a string.”
Hanniumm shook his head. “You had no choice.”
“My body was a thing to them,” I screamed at him, clenching my fists. “No life is worth that misery. I’m forever tainted, broken, used to the point of desolateness. I had no choice?” I pounded on his chest. “I was a prostitute. I was a thief. Men disappeared because of me. You’re telling me I had no choice?”
Hanniumm grabbed my hands to keep them from hitting him. “Then what?” he hollered back. The rain continued to pour as we stared at each other, shivering in the cold. “What do you want of me?”
I pushed against him, his hands still holding my own. “I want you to stay. I want you to live. I want to be forgiven.” Breaking down, I fell into him, resting my head against his shoulder.
For a moment, I wondered if he heard me, or even if he was going to reject me. But then he wrapped his arm around me and picked me up.
Draping my arms around his neck, I looked up into his face. He stared straight ahead, and I couldn’t tell if he was crying or if it was just the rain. Then he turned and headed back toward the hovel.
Christianity has not been tried and found wanting, it has been found difficult and left untried. ~ G.K.C.
This.
I love this excerpt, I’ve been writing with these exact same themes for like four years now and it’s rough. But I think this scene has so much impact, I love how real and compassionate it is.
(On a side, ahh Chesterton, one of my favorite G.K. quotes be “Don’t be so open-minded your brains fall out XD”)
To be a light to the world you must shine in the darkness.
thank you so much for reading! It’s a complex and delicate subject. Slavery and war are both very controversial topics. The question of guilt or innocence is also a difficult one (ultimately, only the Lord can determine true innocence) and I think this situation blurs the line between innocent and guilty in a stark manner.
She was practically born into slavery and forced into prostitution; we would say she had no choice, but there were choices – even if the immediate consequences would have been bad – for instance attempting to flee or run or taking the masters punishment rather than obeying a command to do something she knew was evil. No one would have readily advised her to do disobey in a way that would cause her harm, but those options did exist to her. Then the issue of the heart goes with that. (again, Lord knows the heart and judges both the innocent and the unjust.)
Then, with the general, he was ordered by the king to take the capital, when the blood curse affected the entire capital, plus every living vaelintrien (the enemy). The curse forced the enemy into a berserk mode where they would not stop until Hanniumm and his men were killed. Self-defense is justified, but many would debate whether it is still justified if it comes down to genocide. He did have a choice – to let them win, but that would mean letting them end his own life. It’s a bigger gray area, in some ways, than the slavery issue. Is it right to take so many lives, just to protect your own? True, they attacked first, and continued to attack first – but due to the curse, it isn’t really their fault either. But again, that’s out of Hanniumm’s control… We could say what we would do in that situation (though none of us really know what we actually do unless we’ve been placed in a similar situation) but even if we wouldn’t do the same thing, would we be able to say for certainty that our choice was the right one or that Hanniumm’s was the wrong one?
But still, even if there was very little choice in the matter for both of them, evil actions were taken. Innocent people were slain (even if they did attack first, they would be considered innocent, for they did not attack out of their own free will), and prostitution occurred (even if it was forced as a command to a slave).
Some people balk at the idea that evil doesn’t necessarily equal guilty, but even the Lord Jesus said to the pharisees – “If you were blind, you would not be guilty of sin; but now that you claim you can see, your guilt remains” (John 9:41). We see a small toddler hit someone or steal a toy from their hand, and we tell them no, but do we see that evil act as evidence of the child’s guilt? Most do not, for the child is not old enough to understand the differences of right and wrong (though some do; however, yet again, only the Lord truly knows).
With it being a fantasy world, I don’t have the easy connection to Jesus’ saving grace (though I plan on tying it in in a special way later in the series) however, I hope to use this book, not just as a love story, but to show the idea that you cannot seek forgiveness from others if you do not first find the ability to forgive yourself. (as the Bible says, “For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.” Matthew 6:14-15 – – if you don’t forgive your own sins, how can the Father forgive your sins?)
That’s the big motif behind my fantasy romance novel…
but im really really glad you liked it.
Christianity has not been tried and found wanting, it has been found difficult and left untried. ~ G.K.C.
It is a truly difficult subject to tackle. How much duress can cover, and evil actions vs the actor and factors that might diminish guilt but exactly how far?
In my story, the MC, Alessio, is a seventeen-year-old prince who’s a fantastically intelligent, gifted protégé, escaping a cult he was sold to. Because he’s so clever, and can detect lies and read emotions eerily well his character is always balancing a fine moral line when it comes to manipulation, but at the same time he’s very solidly a good person.
One of the biggest facets of his character comes from an event when he was thirteen or fourteen where he invented a lie to protect himself from being raped by the main villain (who was also one of his closest friends at the time–at the very least he offered some protection from his abusive stepfather). What he couldn’t have foreseen at the time were the devastating consequences of his lie; shifting the axis powers of the world on a grand scale as well as the torture and deaths of numerous people used a leverage against him…among other things…*ominous pause* (You may as “what the heck did this little boy tell that dude to get that to happen?” heheh you’ll have to read my book…once it’s finished 😭)
But now as a result, psychologically, he’s incapable to straight-out lying even to protect someone else (which is one of his biggest motivators throughout the book series). At first it might seem like a plus that he can’t lie except it’s a compulsion not a choice and doesn’t take into account any measure of duress, besides which he’s still an incredible actor by necessity.
Deep into his character arc, Alessio constantly debates whether suicide would be justified if his mere existence is a danger to others. He believes there’s a possibility if he dies things will get better for the kingdoms of Casumbra, and the war might end in their favor, but he also feels responsible for “fixing” a situation that’s completely out of his control, taking blame for the entire course of the war. The only reason he’s struggle to survive is to find a way to save the world in time, and he’s desperate enough to try any method of escape short of murder but hates himself for every decision he makes.
It’s been a rough theme to explore especially as more details come into play (aaaaaaand that extensive research into accurately portraying trauma…that throws in a lot more factors like mental state and ability both to reason and to act according to reason being significantly hampered etc etc)
But I want to really focus on themes that EVERY life matters, including your own, because God made us all and loves us, every life is sacred. Even the villains have sympathetic characterization because I want them to be seen as people, broken and full of evil thoughts and actions it still all stims from their pain. And that leads to the themes of choice, a willingness to forgive both others and yourself and to make the decision to change, which falls back on Love being the reason for all of that. Good actions are nothing if they were done with bad intentions and bad actions with genuinely good intentions doesn’t really make the actor evil, and depending on the situation you just don’t know about guilt when someone truly meant well.
It’s an intense story, and I still don’t know all the answers to the questions my themes explore and if I did I wouldn’t be wanting to write this WIP so bad.
So that’s me! XD
Then, with the general, he was ordered by the king to take the capital, when the blood curse affected the entire capital, plus every living vaelintrien (the enemy). The curse forced the enemy into a berserk mode where they would not stop until Hanniumm and his men were killed. Self-defense is justified, but many would debate whether it is still justified if it comes down to genocide. He did have a choice – to let them win, but that would mean letting them end his own life.
Even as self-defense, there’s still the factor that if he didn’t kill them wouldn’t they have attacked more people? It’s a hard choice because things never just affect one person really. And then you have to factor in intentions; did he plan to save himself once he got there and realized what was happening? Was he even thinking at that point? And then what would’ve happened if he hadn’t killed them all? Wouldn’t they have continued to attack past the capitol and destroy others?
But then also, they were innocent. In their case, evil actions—horribly evil actions—were taken but they can’t be counted guilty because of their lack of choice and intent.
It’s very interesting, people are not capable of either goodness or evil without freewill. Animals can’t be evil no matter what they do because it’s all only instinct. People can be, because they can make a choice and have the understanding to appreciate–at least in part—the rightness or wrongness of an action. That’s why it’s such a hazy ground when either choice or understanding is severely hampered; it’s animalistic, being deprived of either of these when even God refused to take away our freewill and knowledge of good and evil.
Without choice and relative understanding, love is impossible, guilt is impossible. And we don’t know in this life how much of either anyone has, we don’t even know how much we have sometimes. That’s why Jesus tells us to not judge others.
One of my favorite Bible quotes is when He’s asked to judge the woman caught in adultery and he simply answers “Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”
And then He goes on to basically show her no person can authentically condemn her without condemning themselves, and that He relinquishes His just claim to condemn her. But He also says “Go and sin no more.”
It’s especially beautiful to me because He doesn’t ignore the crime but He loves her beyond her actions and wants her to change because it’s for her good. His Mercy is endless to anyone, but He respects our choices also and will never force us to be saved. That’s why we have to forgive both ourselves and others, we have to choose to seek His Mercy and to will good actively in one’s actions.
(PS. Any late replies I give it’s not because I’m not interested it’s just that I’m in collage and way too many side projects…😂)
To be a light to the world you must shine in the darkness.
But I want to really focus on themes that EVERY life matters, including your own, because God made us all and loves us, every life is sacred.
That’s awesome and sounds like a great and interesting book!
It’s especially beautiful to me because He doesn’t ignore the crime but He loves her beyond her actions and wants her to change because it’s for her good. His Mercy is endless to anyone, but He respects our choices also and will never force us to be saved. That’s why we have to forgive both ourselves and others, we have to choose to seek His Mercy and to will good actively in one’s actions.
amen!
(PS. Any late replies I give it’s not because I’m not interested it’s just that I’m in collage and way too many side projects
no problem. =) I understand.
Christianity has not been tried and found wanting, it has been found difficult and left untried. ~ G.K.C.
Yes, I only just now got to this. Was it worth it?ABSOLUTELY
This. Was. Amazing. Your heart and soul seemed to be poured out into this scene, one of those moments where your fingers pound the keys and the scene in your brain just… comes. Beautifully.
Tag me if you ever post more. 🙂
Aw, thank you! Will do
I am actually near the end of this novel. Just one more scene, then the final battle. (and any wrap up after it…) so I may be asking for beta readers soon…
Christianity has not been tried and found wanting, it has been found difficult and left untried. ~ G.K.C.
AWESOME!! Lemme know when you start looking, and I’ll see if I can clear something out for you. 😀 Life has been hectic, so I can’t promise that I’ll be able to read for you, but I’d love to if I get the chance. 🙂
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