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@kimlikesart

I’m flattered 😅

I have no problem to help you!

Hmm, you deceived me, I was sure the story is about modern orthodox Jews until you mentioned the Romans!! 😉

I can be so brutal that I pray for the right approach before writing. Maybe it’s because I’m an INTJ?… Anyway, the border between brutality and honesty is very thin.

 

Before the critique itself: I’m so sorry if I will sound like an insensitive, merciless, arrogant snob. I’m not better or smarter in any way than you. If I offended you in any way, I ask your forgiveness.

 

First and most important, I very admire your will to encourage other Christians about the faithfulness of God to his children. Keep writing for this goal! 😀

Now, to the critique…

 

The character of Chena felt flat. She isn’t much more than the afraid little girl, with some Jewishness for the flavor. Who is she? What are the complexities in her personality?

It’s sad, but even little children are sinful – in some cases they are even more sinful, since they have less experience in life and with God. Does she quarrels a lot with her brother? Is she a disobedient, too brave tomboy? Those are just examples for options – you know your characters the best 🙂

To be fair, you did presented her positive points pretty well – she’s courageous when needed, loves her family and wants to protect it. You’ve done a good job in this point!

I recommend you to write the personality of Chena first. What is her personality type, and how does it expressed in her actions, thoughts and personality traits? For example, maybe she’s an INTJ (I;m talking about what I know ; ) ) and so…

• On one hand, she’s smart and rational, even as a little girl. She thinks with a childishly logic when acting – is it more safe to hide, or to ran away right now? They can see me if I get out. But if I’ll stay there, they might find me and who knows what have they done to Mummy…
• On the other hand, she’s arrogant, lonely and egoistic. In such case, it’s possible that she will be more afraid for her own safety, then for her family’s safety (not to say she will not care about them, but they will be less important). Or, maybe in her grief, she will think something like, ”I lost them all… I miss even Malachi”.

In fact Chena doesn’t sound like an INTJ, but it was just an example. You can apply it to any personality type. Anyway, spend time building her character, before writing about her – or, if you’re a pantser, just write while keeping this all in mind.

Remember also that Chena’s personality is heavily influenced by her environment. How is her parents’ marriage? How is her relationship with her sibling(s?), cousins, friends?

 

It… seems that you didn’t researched a lot about the Roman period in Israel.

Most people didn’t build roomed houses until the last few centuries, and many still don’t. Farmers from this time lived in huts with one room, that served for sleeping (on simple straw mattresses, maybe even sleeping bags if the family didn’t have enough mattresses – beds were a luxury), eating, and cooking (on a fire in the center of the house). In fact, people back then didn’t really have the sense of privacy we have today.

It’s unclear when exactly does the story occur. On one hand, Chena’s father pays his taxes, thus – it’s a peaceful time. On the other hand, Roman soldiers didn’t just loot villages – such marauders would be executed. The Romans were interested in ruling Judea, not burning it to ashes, and they razed villages only in the times of the major Jewish rebellions (there were two, in 66-70 and 132-136 AD). They were by no means kind to the locals in peaceful times, but they wouldn’t burn villages.

The Jews hated the Romans, and they raised their children this way. The people rejected Jesus when they understood that he doesn’t going to be the kind of Messiah they wanted – one that will burn the Roman empire to ashes and restore the Jewish national pride.

(Later in history the Jews revolted under the leadership of such a ”Messiah” – a cruel guerrilla leader called Bar Kochva, a kind of a Che Guevara, that was supported by the greatest rabbi of all times, Rabbi Akiva. Those two lead us to 2000 years of exile, but surprisingly, they’re considered national heroes today. Rabbi Akiva is actually on of the fathers of the Jewish orthodox religion).

Some rabbis even taught that the Romans weren’t real humans, but lower than the Kosher beasts – even though I’m not quite sure whether this teaching existed in this time, or was it invented later.

Chena wouldn’t ponder why are the Romans cruel. She would look at them with murder in her eyes, hardly stopping herself from cursing them with every curse word known. Gentiles. Uncircumcised. Pagans. Pigs. Dogs.

Last historical note – I’m not sure if it’s correct to use the name YHWH in this context. When Jesus prayed he usually said Abba (father) or Eloha (God), and since no Pharisee accused him for it, it was probably common. The name YHWH is used in the orthodox prayers in synagogues, but no orthodox Jew will ever pronounce it, but instead say ”The Name” (Hashem) or ”My Lord” (Adonai) as a name for God.

 

I really admire your will to encourage Christians by using the excellent example of the persecuted believers, but theologically, it doesn’t work the same with the people of Israel. While God promised persecution to the church and encouraged it to stay faithful, in Deuteronomy 28, he promised that he will bless and protect the Israelites as long as they’re faithful, and punish them when not. When we, the Jews, suffer, it’s not because of our faithfulness to God, it’s the ultimate sign of our rebellion and isolation from Him.

(I feel kinda bad for accusing my people in the face of gentiles – I’m very sorry if the word offends you, I by no means use it as a curse word – but, well, it’s the truth. The Jewish people are currently an adulteress, not to say a prostitute, not The Virgin of Israel. Pray for us.)

If the story occurs in the time of the rebellions, so Chena is most likely coming from a Pharisee background, and thus – knows God only from liturgical prayers, those that Jesus publicly condemned in the sermon in the mount. She doesn’t even know the OT, but only through the (mis)interpretations of the rabbis and their so called ”oral law”. If you want to encourage believers, maybe you should use the persecuted church in the first three centuries.

 

Oh. I should’ve been in bed before an hour (my restrictions for myself, not my parents’). Anyway, I’ll pray it’ll be helpful for you. I’m sorry if I was too aggressive at some points. Good night!