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@joelle-stone

*could listen to your accent all day* *tries mimicking it* *reads your story with you with your accent* *fails miserably*

Aww, thanks! <3 LOL, that happens a lot XD My accent is shockingly hard to imitate XD

The best part about this (not including the melodic reading) is that I know who Liorah and Gavril are and I know some of the setting and worldbuilding. *cackle*

Yes! You know my darlings already XD

Just the whole worldbuilding – you put so much work into culture and everything and then only let us see the little details (at least, I think that’s what you do), which makes me want more. The kolye is especially interesting – don’t ask me why. XD

You would not believe how often I’ve considered completely cutting that from the worldbuilding XD (I reconsider every time it comes up XD) Thank you! I’m so glad it came across. I’m kind of stuck in between the ‘My readers need to know everything or they’ll be extremely lost’ and ‘Figure it out yourselves, lol,’ XD

Well, obviously Gavril, just ’cause we all know he’s my favorite.   But also Liorah – how old is she in this scene, after all? Like before or after the Castle?

Lemme see, this is about two months after the castle! So Liorah is 16 and Gav is 20.

And I’m so glad Gav is someone’s favorite! He always gets pushed down to “he’s kinda nice but Liorah’s my favorite!” (And Sahar. Don’t get me started on Sahar, everyone absolutely adores her from scene 1, it’s almost ridiculous at this point.) I’m so happy someone finally appreciates him and loves him as much as I do XD

Liorah. Definitely. I know that feeling where someone tells you to go do something and you’re like, “NO! I should be right here!” or where you’re scared but you know you have to act anyway. The whole my-brain-stopped-working-so-my-muscles-took-over scenario.

Awesome! I’m glad that worked. It was kinda interesting writing this because it’s the first time you can see how Liorah completely clicks back into her trauma mindset. It’s interesting. (Poor thing, she’s so messed up from the start and it doesn’t exactly get easier XD)

C only. I feel like you did an excellent job with the setting – giving us just enough to get a mental picture but leaving us wanting more ’cause we know it’s there. Liorah’s thoughts and motivations are really clear as well, so yay for that!!

Awesome! Now you point it out, I could have described Liorah a bit more. I gave a detailed description in the previous chapter, so I kinda forgot about adding it here XD I’m glad the setting worked because I’m generally awful at describing settings. (Or anything, really) I usually just forget to describe anything so it looks like my characters are floundering in front of a greenscreen XD

‘Tis very very flowy. I love how Liorah calms the kids down by playing hide-and-seek. (Also, LOVE THE NAMES GIRL!!)

Thanks! That’s the proof that sometimes stealing from real life is the best XD I actually have encountered those names ‘in the wild’ and noted them down because they’re cool XD

How do I put this gently? YEEEEESSSSS LET ME READ YOUR BOOK RIGHT NOW ROSE OR I WILL STEAL IT FROM YOU BECAUSE I MUST KNOW MORE ABOUT THIS DESERT PRINCESS AND HER PROTECTIVE BRO BECAUSE IT JUST SOUNDS SO AWESOME!

As for why… I think it’s obvious. XD

Aww, your sweet comments absolutely made my day! <3 *Puts you on a list of people who can possibly be bribed with lots of chocolate chip cookies to read the manuscript XD It’ll only need about a hundred revisions XD*

Thanks for letting us read/listen to this, Rose!! ‘Twas a real treat.

Thank you so much for your helpful critique, Joelle! I totally need to go listen to your short story! I read it on your blog and it was one of the prettiest things I’ve read! (Not an exaggeration. It was so lovely and sweet and touching!) I’d love to see more of your chapters/stories!

@obrian-of-the-surface-world and @everyone

May I humbly suggest adding a question to the critique questions? When I’ve let others read a piece, it has always helped me a lot to ask what part/element they noticed or liked the most.  The answer has always surprised me and it’s very interesting to see what stands out the most about your piece from an outsider’s perspective.