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@eitan

I also get what you said about not knowing the actual day you said, ‘I will follow Jesus.’ A lot of people at a church I go to can point out their ‘second birthday’, but I can’t.

I was baptized when I was eight, on Easter actually. I knew of Jesus then. I knew all the stories from the Bible. And I had no doubt that my parents had told the truth. I wanted to go to heaven. I never questioned.

When I was twelve I started reading books I shouldn’t have been. After the first few chapters I knew I should’ve put them down, but I didn’t. The story!!! I told myself, but in reality, I was drawn to the dark.

As I read them (twelve book series) I had thoughts of suicide, and questions about everything I had been told about myself, and God. I felt so sad all the time, and felt guilty for the depression. I had a great life!! Two parents! A dog! A home, and sister! I had clothes, food, school, and an allowance! What did I have to complain about? Nothing. 

I didn’t cry when my grandfather died, I couldn’t even though I tried. I couldn’t get excited for parties, or time with my friends. But I read,..and I wrote. (Not really my Bible.)

I had so many doubts and questions! But I was scared to ask anyone for fear they wouldn’t know the answer and turn from God. If God was real I didn’t want to be held responsible for someone turning from Him.

I thought about the best way to kill myself without hurting the one who found me very much. But I didn’t go through with it for a few reasons.

3. I knew it would hurt my father, and family soooo much. I couldn’t hurt them that way.

2. My sister. If I murdered myself, then my sister might do the same. It would scar her. I couldn’t do that to her.

1. I was scared that if God was real, that if I went ahead with it I would go to hell.

So, I was stuck. I floated through my existence.

Then, Christmas came. I had no happiness with the sight of presents or my little sister’s smile. My father then turned to me, cocking his head, eyes narrowed. He said words that he and my mother had been saying for months, “Grace, what’s happened to you?”

But, for some reason… It was different that time. I felt like all breath had been sucked out of me. The dark cloud on my mind disappeared. And I sat dumbfounded a minute. It was gone.

I shake my head now in wander. I still don’t understand. But I was healed. I never finished the book series.

Over the next few months it would try to creep back, or I would outright welcome it. But I repented of such. Now, I am truly free.

Don’t ever be afraid to ask questions, for there are answers. We might have to dig a little, but they are there. The Lord is alive! He is active and loves us with an unending love!!! He is awesome in power and glory. He has ransomed my soul from destruction. He has pulled me from the miry clay, and set my feet on the solid rock of Himself. I am His!

Now, when I have questions, I know there is an answer. I just have to look. I start out by reading my Bible. Then I ask my father. Then I pray. Then it goes down a list.

(Sorry, the F in my personality coming out.) My feelings,.. but also from what I know from experience. My feelings are almost always unreliable. I understand that I need to never base anything on them. Marriages based just on feelings crumble. Beliefs, based just on feelings crumble. Feelings come, and go…But the Word of our God stands forever. I rest on what He knows, not on what I feel.

(Sorry again for how long that was.)

 

I’m still working on edits for my book. (: