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@scribbles @kate @libby @evelyn @h-jones @k-a-grey @sir-leeds

This is a recent short poem of mine. I would like to submit it to Story Embers, so I’ve added to the original to get the word count. When writing this, I had a distinct image in my mind of a warrior coming back to their heart after leaving it behind. The theme is the numbness and the feeling of being removed after a close friend/relative has died. I experience this instead of immediate sadness. Now I’m a bit stuck on what to change to make it better before submitting it.

So, I would love critique on anything. (Side note–does it sound hopeless? I want to convey the feeling, but not hopelessness)Thank you for helping a beginner poet out! 🙂

 

Invincible

 

When your soul left the earth,

The sun still shone.

There wasn’t any darkness

Or rain,

Like in the movies.

 

And for some reason,

I couldn’t cry.

 

When you died, I left my heart behind.

And the sun proclaimed the world was well

against the sky’s steady blue.

 

“I am invincible,” I said,

“nothing can touch me.”

 

But after the long walk,

After I see all the places you are missing

Love comes creeping

Through the cracks of my armor.

 

I go back

And my heart,

So carelessly left on its own,

Not cradled and understood,

Cries with the sky,

In the darkness,

In the rain.