Invincible — a poem in need of your help!

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  • #87963

    @scribbles @kate @libby @evelyn @h-jones @k-a-grey @sir-leeds

    This is a recent short poem of mine. I would like to submit it to Story Embers, so I’ve added to the original to get the word count. When writing this, I had a distinct image in my mind of a warrior coming back to their heart after leaving it behind. The theme is the numbness and the feeling of being removed after a close friend/relative has died. I experience this instead of immediate sadness. Now I’m a bit stuck on what to change to make it better before submitting it.

    So, I would love critique on anything. (Side note–does it sound hopeless? I want to convey the feeling, but not hopelessness)Thank you for helping a beginner poet out! 🙂

     

    Invincible

     

    When your soul left the earth,

    The sun still shone.

    There wasn’t any darkness

    Or rain,

    Like in the movies.

     

    And for some reason,

    I couldn’t cry.

     

    When you died, I left my heart behind.

    And the sun proclaimed the world was well

    against the sky’s steady blue.

     

    “I am invincible,” I said,

    “nothing can touch me.”

     

    But after the long walk,

    After I see all the places you are missing

    Love comes creeping

    Through the cracks of my armor.

     

    I go back

    And my heart,

    So carelessly left on its own,

    Not cradled and understood,

    Cries with the sky,

    In the darkness,

    In the rain.

     

     

    Spreading God's love until I can see seven billion smiles. 🙂 https://sevenbillionsmiles.home.blog

    #87969

    @emma-starr it has a beautiful simplicity that makes it extremely powerful. The one thing I would change is add one more line to the end. It ends rather abruptly as it is, but something like ‘saying goodbye’ or ‘finding you in the dark’ or something equally melancholy but emotionally satisfying could smooth it out very well.

    INFP-A. If you can't be brilliant, odd will do.

    #87977
    NCStokes
    @ncstokes

    @emma-starr I know next to nothing about poems, so I don’t really have a critique (yess I am helpful aren’t I), but I just wanted to say that I normally don’t really like poems, but this one is… different. I love it.

    *shameless self promotion* https://weridasusual.home.blog/

    #88009
    Ariel Ashira
    @ashira

    @emma-starr You call yourself a beginner?  Sheesh, I thought I could write poems until I read yours!

    "No matter how much it hurts, how dark it gets, or how hard you fall, you are never out of the fight."

    #88026

    @kate Thank you!! I’ll consider a more satisfying ending. 🙂

    Spreading God's love until I can see seven billion smiles. 🙂 https://sevenbillionsmiles.home.blog

    #88027

    @ncstokes I’m so glad it touched you!  That makes me so happy! <3

    Spreading God's love until I can see seven billion smiles. 🙂 https://sevenbillionsmiles.home.blog

    #88028

    @ashira You’re so sweet!!! Thank you!! 🙂

    Spreading God's love until I can see seven billion smiles. 🙂 https://sevenbillionsmiles.home.blog

    #88036
    Evelyn
    @evelyn

    @emma-starr Wow, how love how simple, and yet heart-touching this is. (:

    #88180
    Dakota
    @dakota

    @emma-starr Stumbled onto this page while snooping around. I hope you don’t mind if I say something too.

    I would agree with @kate that is needs a smoother ending. But otherwise I really like it!

    Psalm 119:11
    Your word I have hidden in my heart,
    That I might not sin against You.

    #88257

    @dakota Thanks for the advice! Is it the word choice, the flow, or the abrupt emotional ending that seems off in the last stanza?

    Spreading God's love until I can see seven billion smiles. 🙂 https://sevenbillionsmiles.home.blog

    #89015
    Dakota
    @dakota

    @emma-starr   Well . . .  the flow is alright, word choice was good, so I think that the ending is too abrupt and hopeless. Also, the whole poem is sorta  . . . not like reader could really feel the emotions of the person. There’s something missing. . .

    Hope this is helpful! 🙂

    Psalm 119:11
    Your word I have hidden in my heart,
    That I might not sin against You.

    #89282

    @dakota Thank you!! I’ll dive in and try to apply your advice.

    Spreading God's love until I can see seven billion smiles. 🙂 https://sevenbillionsmiles.home.blog

    #89289
    MyClipboardIsMyViolin
    @myclipboardismyviolin

    Invincible

    When your soul left the earth,
    The sun still shone.
    There wasn’t any darkness
    Or rain, Like in the movies.

    Ack, the word “movies” really takes away from this stanza. “to mark your passage”  may be an alternative. This reason why I say that is that we have high fantasy symbology clashing real hard with a commonplace reference to modern movies.

    And for some reason,
    I couldn’t cry.

    When you died, I left my heart behind.
    And the sun proclaimed the world was well against the sky’s steady blue.

    “I am invincible,” I said,
    “nothing can touch me.”

    This passage kinda feels like a little too much telling. I might be over analyzing this a bit, but I think this is a pride-turned-to sorrow poem. “And for some reason,” —> we do find out the reason when she says she’s invincible. Does this indicate that she didn’t know the reason why she couldn’t cry at the time? Is that what you were going for?

    Does the warrior actually like the person who died – was she close to them? Is this a flat pride problem of thinking that she’s above death, or is there an emotional complication?

    But after the long walk,
    After I see all the places you are missing
    Love comes creeping
    Through the cracks of my armor.

    I go back
    And my heart,
    So carelessly left on its own,
    Not cradled and understood,
    Cries with the sky,
    In the darkness,
    In the rain.

    I like the nature contrast between the beginning of the poem and the end, I really think that you should keep that when you revise.

    Sarah, Miss S, Sierepica_Fuzzywalker

    #89396

    @myclipboardismyviolin Wow. Your comments really honed in on the problems that I knew were there, but couldn’t put my finger on. THANK YOU.

    Spreading God's love until I can see seven billion smiles. 🙂 https://sevenbillionsmiles.home.blog

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