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@the-inkspiller

First off, I agree writing forums are predominately female, and I’m guessing a reason for that is partially because a lot of Christian young ladies do not opt for careers in the world over waiting for a husband and a family, so they turn to writing as something they can do without going out into the working world.

Nextly…

I am by no means an authority on this. I’ve only been on this earth for sixteen years and I don’t even remember four of them, so that’s not a lot of experience. But I’ve learned some things, and had wonderful friends who have helped me, and been through struggles like yours, and I’d like to share some things.

I don’t believe that there is anything wrong in discussing and writing about the darker side of life, but only as long as you don’t take it too far. Human complexities, sinful natures and tendencies, and the evil in this world cannot be ignored, but should not be dwelled on continually. Talking about it is not bad; I’ve enjoyed some very good conversations with @josiah about moral dilemmas usually involving death and murder. Talking through hard things and sharing complicated and deep struggles is good not only for understanding each other as people and friends and helping each other, but for better writing, because let’s face it, life isn’t happy and cheerful all the time and when your books are like that, readers can sense the fake-ness.

But I believe to continually think on dark and difficult things is not only dangerous to ourselves, putting ourselves in danger of being caught in a world we believe is only made of trial and ‘why me, God?’ and darkness, but disobeys God’s commands. Philippians 4:8 says, “Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things.” We can put ourselves in a place where we are concentrating, even without meaning to, on the worst things in life, and missing out on the joy that we have as Christians.

God commands us to rejoice evermore. This doesn’t mean however, that we can never allow a smile to leave our lips, that we must always have a laugh and a cheerful face in front of death, illness, depression, etc. Ecclesiastes 3 says, “To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven…A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance” There are times and places were tears are needed. Friends to spill your heart’s dark thoughts to are needed. But through those times and after those times we need to be reminded of God’s amazing and everlasting love and the fact that because of Him we do not need to dwell in the darkness.

I had an experience with this months ago, and I’d like to share it. It’s also very, very hard for me to share my heart with anyone, really, at all, because I’m afraid, plus, being a girl, I’m more emotional and I get emotional about sharing my emotions. I’m trying to do better, but this may still be awkward. Some of my dearest friends haven’t even heard this, but I really feel like I need to share this for this topic. I’ll really try to keep it short, but it may be hard.

Last year I went to the hospital with my parents because my newest sibling was being born. Over the course of the day we found out that my mom needed a c-section birth, and I wasn’t allowed to stay, of course, for that. They put me in a waiting room while the delivery happened. Time passed, and I could hear people shouting and see nurses running by me. A deep, heavy dread filled me, because somehow I felt that this was because of us. Then I was told that my baby sister had been born with Down Syndrome and was having breathing problems, and my mom could be dying because she was bleeding very, very badly on the inside. I didn’t even know what to do, or think. I couldn’t even find the words to pray. I sat in a chair, waiting for something better to happen. I felt very, very alone. The nurses that had checked on me were gone, my dad was gone, and our senior pastor that had come with his wife was now gone. When I was told that my mom had come out of surgery alive, and my sister was in stable condition, I wanted to feel joyful, but somehow I couldn’t. I knew I should be overjoyed and sobbing gratitude to God for allowing my mother to live, but somehow I couldn’t.

My mom was moved to the ICU and I wasn’t allowed to stay, so our senior pastor and his wife volunteered to take to me to their son and daughter-in-law’s house for food, then to a friend of mine’s so I could spend the night. I agreed, just wanting to get out of the hospital. They took me to their son’s place, and it turned out that they were actually having a party for one of their boys. There were maybe a dozen or so relatives gathered around the fireplace, smiling and watching the little boy open presents, and I was sitting at the table, staring out the door into the night.

I was at the edge of something dark, something dreadful that I didn’t want to go into, but I couldn’t seem to stop myself. I let my thoughts get darker and darker, hateful, miserable, and angry. I wasn’t grateful that God had spared my mom’s life, I was angry at Him for letting it ever be in danger. I wasn’t grateful that my baby sister was in stable condition and alive, I was angry at Him that He let her be born with Down Syndrome.

Then another of our senior pastor’s sons, a young man I knew from our church, an uncle to the boy having the party, saw me sitting at the table. He scooped up his older brother’s i-pad, sat down, and asked me if I’d seen one before. I shrugged, so he turned it on and started showing me things. Now I know that God sent him at just the right time for me. He didn’t even know it, but just by coming over and talking to me, he’d kept me from going over the edge into a horrible mind-set. Maybe he saw that I was needing to talk to someone and decided to help, maybe not. But either way, just the fact that he came over and talked to me made me realize the wrong direction I was heading.

He pulled up goofy pictures he’d taken of his nephews and I laughed. I laughed and it sounded strange to me, because how could I laugh when these things had happened to me? And I answered my own question. Because God gives us joy in trials. He gives us friends to let us mess around with their brother’s thousand dollar i-pads.

My friend opened an art app and handed the i-pad to me. And that was what I needed. I needed that quiet corner of a strange kitchen, my thoughts that I put into that i-pad with sketches, and a friend to sit by and comment on how great my art was. As maybe cheesy, too easy, or odd as that sounds, God used an i-pad to bring me out of that dark pit I was falling in to.

Now, my mother is in full health again, and my baby sister is one of the happiest parts of my life. Her middle name is Joy, and we picked out that name before she was born, before we knew we would now have years of difficult and possibly painful life for her and us. Down Syndrome comes with many issues and problems. Her heart had two holes. She had breathing difficulties for months. She’s sick very easily. She had developmental problems and even at a year old is only at the physical level of a six month old. But her name is still Joy. And I still have joy.

Which brings me to the end of what I want to say. Darkness if a part of life. A very sad, but very real part of life. No one can avoid it forever. Discussing it, writing about it, and even thinking about it isn’t wrong, but as I have found out from an experience I never want to go through again, dwelling far too much on it can have horrible consequences. The peace and joy that God gives us is not something that will fade when this world does, when God wipes away our tears and death and suffering is no more, those things will remain. And that is what I think we need to always, always remember. Depressions, death, anger, darkness, demons, sin, and everything related to those are very real, very close parts of our lives, but it isn’t the end. We can use those things in our stories to point our readers to the ultimate giver of joy, Jesus Christ.

This may be the longest post I have ever posted, but I felt that I needed to say all this. I hope, @the-inkspiller, that this helps you.