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Thanks so much, y’all!!! I really appreciate it!! I couldn’t exactly put my finger on the issues, but you guys hit the nail on the head! I’ve got a way better understanding of what I’ve gotta do now.

@calidris

I definitely agree with showing more of Isaac’s thoughts.  I think that it would help me to connect with him as a person, and also could help reveal some background, such as why he’s forced to “doll” people for the carpenter.

Definitely! Now that I look back on it, he’s just sort of “there,” lol

One of the things that I noticed was that you have a lot of description, which is good, but some of it doesn’t seem to contribute to the general flow of the story.  One thing that I really like is to cut down on words by using verbs.  Here’s an example:

“The rickety buildings on either side looked like they might’ve been crying, and in the distance a tower and two windmills rose like twisted fingers against a watery sky.”

“The rickety buildings on either side wept, as a tower and two windmills rose like twisted fingers against the watery sky.”

Ah, yes! Thank you — that will help with word count as well.

Another thing that I think is really important is consistency in description.  You have some very good description, but some of it lacks consistency, either within the story, or in the real world.

“The rickety buildings on either side looked like they might’ve been crying, and in the distance a tower and two windmills rose like twisted fingers against a watery sky.”

Here, the italicized part broke the flow because it is extremely specific, and not consistent with what we see in the real world.  I really like the description of twisted fingers, but it doesn’t line up because the tower and windmills are straight, inorganic shapes (I assume) and fingers are bent and organic.

“The rickety buildings on either side wept.  In the distance, a tower and two windmills pierced the sky like broken nails.”

You could go even further and change a tower and two windmills to something like derelict buildings to cut down on words.

Ha ha, you’re totally right! I’ve never seen a bendy windmill . . . . thx!

I would recommend seeing if you can split up and rearrange some of the descriptions.  Get the basics down at the very beginning (environment, character, etc.), then narrow your scope as the story progresses.  I hope this helped!

This totally helps! I tend to forget that short stories are more focused on the character instead of the setting. Thank you for taking the time to critique; I’m so glad I posted this here!!

@rose-colored-fancy

HELLO!!!!!! So good to “see” you again!! I’ve totally missed y’all!!

And I’m so glad you like it 😀 I’m also glad I got the creepy and hopefulness down, ‘cause that’s what I was subconsciously going for.

You can cut “I rested my feet on the pedals” since it doesn’t really add anything to the story. If you just say he’s coasting down a hill, that’s assumed. Also, you might want to show his bike squeaking and rattling, contrasting it against the silence of the street.

The eerily silent part feels tacked on, like an afterthought. If you show that earlier, you can cut it out entirely. And you can take out that the road is smooth, so you’d get something like this:

The dirt road had been packed down by the passing of many feet. No more. Now it was just me and my rattling bike.

Ohhhh yes! That would totally be better. Contrasting is a great technique!

Instead of saying he regretted it, you can show him regretting it by thinking something like “I should have stopped by the well of shimmering water.”

Also, the mood in your scene is good, I really like it! But the well of fresh water rather contrasts against it. If it was murky or dull, it would add to the mood of the scene.

Unless you deliberately want that contrast for symbolism! It could be cool!

Yes, the water does contrast (I’m using my contrasting backwards XD) The well is actually shown in the picture prompt, and the water is this rich turquoise, so it stood out. What I could do is to perhaps use the fresh water to lead to thoughts longing for his once beautiful world . . .

Considering what we learn later, you can even expand on their eyes, to add a little more creepiness to it. He could think about how the dull eyes never sparkled and how they seemed to gaze into him reproachfully.

Oh, and you’re filtering! “I heard–”

You could simplify that into: Wood rattled against wood in the sagging pockets of my trousers–

Oooooo! Yes! Creepiness factors! Perfect!

This is pretty cool! I think the only thing I’d change is to add a little more of Isaac’s internal thoughts and actions. And maybe describe the inside of the shop in a really broad way? Something like: “There was no speck of color, the wood of the dolls blended into the wooden walls, only interrupted by those hundreds of glaring eyes.”

Definitely; I’ve gotta work within the word count!

I like this description, but you’re describing a few things twice. Like his hair curling. You could cut the italic sentence entirely and simply say: Gray-streaked curls bounced out from beneath a slouching cap as he turned toward me.

Yes, bad habit of mine 😛

Okay, this is pretty good, but you can add more of Isaac’s thoughts here. What’s his relationship with the carpenter? Is he scared? Regretful? Uncertain? You say he despised him, but you can expand on that even more.

Also, you can add stakes. What would happen if he stopped? What keeps him coming back?

YES!!! I knew those things were missing, I just couldn’t pinpoint them. Thx!

Okay, I’m going to suggest a bit of poetic irony. To enhance the mood of the scene, you could possibly make it overcast, the whole world washed out with gray. And then when he steps outside with his sister, you can have the golden sun come out. This works too, I just think it would be cool!

That is a perfect idea!

Now, I’m assuming this is his family, and he seems to love them, but you can expand on his thoughts here. (If it isn’t his family, I’d clarify that) Why are they still asleep? (Also, if they’re asleep, it doesn’t make sense to describe the woman’s eye color as though he’s seeing it.) Have they been dolled already? Is he the only one taking care of the family?

Yes, they’re family, and you’re totally right: he doesn’t have x-ray vision 😛

Okay, it’s interesting that you chose to do a reveal here, I quite like it! Isaac seems quite good-hearted.

Thank you (and he is)! 😀

But in order for that to work, you’ll have to establish stakes earlier. I don’t know what he’s giving up or risking by deciding to go. You’re implying he would be dolled too, but why? Is it a punishment? You could clear up the carpenter’s motivations in the conversation. You don’t need to expand on it too much, just hint at it.

Exactly! This is extremely helpful!

Okay, I love the ending! But I’m wondering, is the rest of his family already dolled? Why is he leaving them behind? Where is he going? You could leave that vague, but you could also have him look out at sea and think about a land that isn’t ruled by such an evil man. Or something, I don’t know XD

Good idea; I always did hate stories that left me with no clear idea of what might happen afterwards! Thanks so much!

And how are you? I’ve been great — just been up to “life,” lol. I’ve started my Physics class, and I’m taking piano. My writing’s been off and on, but I plan on entering each of these little contests to hone my skills (of which I don’t have very many XD). How’s your fantasy series been coming along? Is Liorah still into trouble (nevermind, I know the answer to that 😛 )?