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@kimlikesart

As promised, a critique. I’ll focus this time on the edited version of Chena’s story. By the way, maybe you should post the pre prologue in an independent thread, for the sake of comfortableness?

As always – I ask your forgiveness if I use the wrong words.

 

The way you use Hebrew and English names is a little confusing. It’s strange that you use the Hebrew name for God, but the English name for people. It’s better you decide that either you use Hebrew names for everyone (Eloha, Abba, Imma, Chena bat Jehoshaphat), or the English (God, Dad, Mom, Chena daughter of Jehoshaphat). Personally, I think the latter is more comfortable for those who don’t speak Hebrew, but it’s up to you.

 

There were a few small problems with worldbuilding:

• Even in Israel, summer nights aren’t hot. They’re around 77 f. If the story occurs in the summer – farmers preferred to sleep on their house’s roof in the summer, to enjoy the cool wind.
• Beds were for rich people. Poor people slept on mattresses.
• It isn’t clear if Chena has her own room (which’s anachronistic) or not, maybe I just didn’t understand the text perfectly 😅
• It’s more reasonable that Chena’s parents will give her a ceramic doll as a gift, rather than a jar. And it’s more likely to do it on Passover, Sukkot, or Shavuot, when the people go to the big city, Jerusalem, rather than in a small, local festival like Purim.
• It would make more sense that Chena’s father would beg in Greek, not Latin – after all, Greek was the lingua franka of the area.

 

As @beth-20 said, there were some problems with punctuation. For example:

“Chena!” Her mother’s voice was urgent, “Get under your bed. Hurry girl!”

Between a quote and an ”explanation”, put a comma. Between the ”explanation” and the second part of the quote, if existing, put a dot:

“Chena!”, Her mother’s voice was urgent. “Get under your bed. Hurry girl!”

In general, I know Jerry Jenkins ultimate self editing guide. I never used it, since I don’t write in English, but it might be helpful for you. I don’t know if it’s a good idea to recommend something I’ve never used… You can be our laboratory rabbit! 😉

 

The POV was confusing. Sometimes it seems that it’s from Chena’s POV, sometimes it seems omniscient (don’t use omniscient POV! It’s a bad idea). I you use Chena’s POV, try to use more childish language and descriptions. Your language is too rich for a 6 years old girl 😉

 

There were a few places where the wording seemed weird. For example:

Chena loved him, and trusted him, and couldn’t understand why anyone would want to hurt him? Because the Romans were vile, and needed no reason.

It seems that you just took the original wording and added, instead of really changing it. I’dd do it more like this:

Chena loved him, and trusted him, and couldn’t understand why anyone would want to hurt him… But those uncircumcised gentiles needed no reason.

 

I do want to note that there are clear improvements  from the last draft. Most of my critiques were technical. Chena is much more human now! Keep editing it. I’ll read the pre prologue this week. Praying that God will help you in the mission he gave you!