Activity

@esther-sears

You’re welcome! This was a neat brain challenge, and fun besides.

1. There’s the sentence near the beginning ‘As Bjorn and I walked up, I could see that the house was two stories, one of the only ones in the village.’ It’s a little choppy, and it interrupted the flow of the narration. Possible change: ‘As Bjorn and I walked up, I could see that the house was one of the only buildings in the village with two stories’.

2. Children ran about, a baby was crying while *its’ mother offered gentle words to calm *him. *its (possessive) *if you’re trying to establish that the baby’s a ‘him’, then the pronouns should be the same for consistency (his mother/calm him or its mother/calm it)

3. After Sylas leaves the house and Bjorn goes after him, there is no enter and tab in between the two dialogue sentences, “What?” “There was joy and happiness in your house. An intoxicating amount. I haven’t had that in a very long time.”

4.     ‘I was no weakling, but Bjorn was slightly taller and sturdier built than I was. But he had no weapon.’ The two sentences keep bouncing between negatives. Possible change: ‘Bjorn was slightly taller and sturdier built than I was, but he had no weapon, and I was no weakling’.

5. ‘A tear was in his eye, *his muscled* in his arms tensed as he held the sword with both hands’. *the muscles*?

6. ‘You will have to continue to keep my locked up forever…’ The phrasing is awkward, and since it’s an emotional scene, it’s more likely that she’ll keep her words short and simple. Possible change: ‘You will have to keep me locked up forever’

7.     ‘Why hadn’t I listened to my *conscious?’ *Conscience

Again, well done.