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Romance Writers

Tragic love story (with hints of fantasy)

Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 18 total)
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  • #107531
    Esther Sears
    @esther-sears

    Hey all! I’m really struggling to find beta readers at the moment 🙁 I have a short story that needs some critique. Would anyone be interested in reading it for me? It’s about 8000 words, a bittersweet story about two boys and a girl in a small fishing village set in a fantasy world ^_^

    Let me know and I’ll post the google doc!! 😀 😀

    ~Esther

    Lover of Christ, writer (obviously...), fangirl, and a proud Meerkat!

    #108093
    Vivian Grant
    @vivian-grant

    @esther-sears

    Hello! My name is Vivian. I joined this group a couple days ago. I would be willing to beta-read your story! 🙂

    #108156
    Esther Sears
    @esther-sears

    @vivian-grant Yaaaayyy!!! Thank you so much! 😀 Now, it is more or less a tragic love story, so as long as you’re prepared for that… 😉

    Here’s the Google Doc!

    ~Esther

    Lover of Christ, writer (obviously...), fangirl, and a proud Meerkat!

    #108171
    Vivian Grant
    @vivian-grant

    @esther-sears

    You’re welcome! What do you want me to take note of– character development, plotting, both? I was born for tragedy. 😉

    • This reply was modified 1 year, 4 months ago by Vivian Grant.
    #108173
    Esther Sears
    @esther-sears

    @vivian-grant If you can pay special attention to setting, and the girl character (Moira), that would be super helpful!! Although anything you notice and can give me feedback on is great 🙂

    ~Esther

    Lover of Christ, writer (obviously...), fangirl, and a proud Meerkat!

    #108174
    Vivian Grant
    @vivian-grant

    @esther-sears

    I just finished it. I am rather blown away. The ending was immensely powerful, and well-delivered. Sylas’s descent into maddening jealousy was satisfying, and didn’t feel contrived. I don’t see any blaringly obvious problem with Moira. Early on, it was a 50-50 percent chance that she would go either way, but as Sylas became increasingly jealous it was understandable how it pushed her even further towards Bjorn. Really quick, is the German in me correct in pronouncing Bjorn’s name ‘Byorn’? I have a character named Jaran, and it was more natural to me to pronounce it ‘Yaran’.

    A thought occured to me halfway through the story– why would there be pirate ship(s) in a fishing village? If it’s because an inconspicuous fishing village is a good place for pirates to hang out before heading back out to sea, then maybe you could mention that in the parts between Sylas and Robbin. Mentioning it just once in the narration or dialogue would help flesh the culture/world out a bit.

    Other than that, I noticed a couple grammer/sentence structure hiccups, but that’s pretty minor. Your story is compelling and tragic (in a satisfying way :P).

    • This reply was modified 1 year, 4 months ago by Vivian Grant.
    #108234
    Esther Sears
    @esther-sears

    @vivian-grant Thank you sooo much!! It means so much to hear you say that ^_^ I’m glad to hear you didn’t know what was going to happen right away 🙂

    Yes, you are pronouncing Bjorn correctly 😉

    That’s a very good point about the ships! Thanks 🙂

    Would you mind commenting on the grammer mistakes in the document? I definitely want to get those out of there!

     

    ~Esther

    Lover of Christ, writer (obviously...), fangirl, and a proud Meerkat!

    #108238
    Vivian Grant
    @vivian-grant

    @esther-sears

    You’re welcome! This was a neat brain challenge, and fun besides.

    1. There’s the sentence near the beginning ‘As Bjorn and I walked up, I could see that the house was two stories, one of the only ones in the village.’ It’s a little choppy, and it interrupted the flow of the narration. Possible change: ‘As Bjorn and I walked up, I could see that the house was one of the only buildings in the village with two stories’.

    2. Children ran about, a baby was crying while *its’ mother offered gentle words to calm *him. *its (possessive) *if you’re trying to establish that the baby’s a ‘him’, then the pronouns should be the same for consistency (his mother/calm him or its mother/calm it)

    3. After Sylas leaves the house and Bjorn goes after him, there is no enter and tab in between the two sentences, “What?” “There was joy and happiness in your house. An intoxicating amount. I haven’t had that in a very long time.”

    4.     ‘I was no weakling, but Bjorn was slightly taller and sturdier built than I was. But he had no weapon.’ The two sentences keep bouncing between negatives. Possible change: ‘Bjorn was slightly taller and sturdier built than I was, but he had no weapon, and I was no weakling’.

    5. ‘A tear was in his eye, *his muscled* in his arms tensed as he held the sword with both hands’. *the muscles*?

    6. ‘You will have to continue to keep my locked up forever…’ The phrasing is awkward, and since it’s an emotional scene, it’s more likely that she’ll keep her words short and simple. Possible change: ‘You will have to keep me locked up forever’

    7.     ‘Why hadn’t I listened to my *conscious?’ *Conscience

     

    Again, well done.

    • This reply was modified 1 year, 4 months ago by Vivian Grant.
    #108352
    Vivian Grant
    @vivian-grant

    @esther-sears

    I was wondering something. I recently posted the first half of a short story of mine, and though someone read it I was wondering if you would also like to beta-read it before I post the second half?

    • This reply was modified 1 year, 4 months ago by Vivian Grant.
    #108447
    Esther Sears
    @esther-sears

    @vivian-grant Those are sooooo helpful, I appreciate it so much!!

    I’d love to read your story! What’s it about?

    ~Esther

    Lover of Christ, writer (obviously...), fangirl, and a proud Meerkat!

    #108461
    Vivian Grant
    @vivian-grant

    @esther-sears

    Thank you! It’s a fantasy about a young prison guard and a magic user commissioned to guard a witch.

    Here is the link to the page:

    And so it begins!

     

    #108525
    Esther Sears
    @esther-sears

    @vivian-grant It already sounds super cool!! 😀 I’m excited to read it!

    ~Esther

    Lover of Christ, writer (obviously...), fangirl, and a proud Meerkat!

    #109433
    Emberynus The Dragonslayer
    @emberynus-the-dragonslayer

    @esther-sears

    That was so powerful! All most brought me to tears(and I never cry over book)!! So sad and so meaningful! I love it!

     

    Sold souls and dead promises

    #109437
    Vivian Grant
    @vivian-grant

    @emberynus-the-dragonslayer

    I agree!

    • This reply was modified 1 year, 4 months ago by Vivian Grant.
    #109447
    Emberynus The Dragonslayer
    @emberynus-the-dragonslayer

    @vivian-grant

    Ikr? It’s so beautiful!! Your story sounds interesting as well.

    Are you new in Story Embers?

     

    Sold souls and dead promises

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