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@theswordinthebook

I’m sorry that I hadn’t gotten around to reading this until now. Like you, life happens to me a lot. 🙂 A few things before I make a fool out of myself:

1. I’m not an expert at critiquing so I need practise for this as much as for my writing craft.
2. I do, however, read extensively and have finished certain major projects along my path that I may be able to help you with.
3. On this note, I am honoured to have the chance to give you a few pieces of advice!

So some things I liked in this chapter were:

• Like @sam-m mentioned, the brotherly relationship that seems to flow naturally. (I have siblings, and I can attest to the good/bad manners of portraying them.)
• The way you set the opening scene and the use of music
• The light that suddenly switches on when it detects motion (they scare the lights out of me all the time)
• Distinct characteristics are given to side characters (like the smoking lady with that grin)

Some of the things I would suggest are:

• Again, the usual thing most writers (including myself) have to watch out are the “show, don’t tell”s and passive voice.
• The main thing I would focus on would be the opening sentence. Although what you have now is pretty good, I would usually try to have a heavier blow since that first sentence conveys the narrator voice and the mood of the story. From what you have so far, I would be mildly drawn in. I really like the dialogue that takes place after, so I would try to tighten it up so people would be really into the story.
• Some sentence structure and flow seemed a little awkward, such as the scene where Carl is attacked. I would probably aim at clarifying the ‘bad feeling’ by adding stares from Steve or the direction he seems to be walking towards, dropping few words from the phone call by Blondie, etc., to add a more ominous feel.

Those are some things you can work towards. And if you are feeling stuck, some ways I deal with it are to have several world-building documents/ story flow charts/ character details written down. I think there are posts on Story Embers that also deals with how to continue writing, so I would definitely go there.

Also, what genre is this? It seems like contemporary/speculative/or possibly develops into sci-fi genre? But I would love to hear more of the background details if you’re willing! Keep writing, Lucius!