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Sorry for the delay I am not mentally prepared to clean up this post so there might be a lot of inconsistancies, good luck! 😭✌️

#content warning: I brushed up on research for psychotic breakdowns before I wrote this

 

 

While Arsene used his powers, Alessio make almost a move to peer over his shoulder. He actually was curious despite himself. Whatever’s in the safe better worth it at least…

In the back of his mind he was still wondering. Maybe…it was worth the risk to just ask? Maybe Arsene would be willing to help him find Nithel, if not for any other reason than it might be a challenge? What did he have to lose?

You know better than that.

It could be different this time? He pleaded internally.

Sure, but anything can be used against you. If you let on you care about anything it’ll become leverage…

But he needed help.

He just didn’t know. Alessio let out a sigh. At least, he wasn’t going to ask right now. He might get a chance to but there wasn’t any point triggering himself here, they needed to keep moving.

“How long will it take to open that?” Alessio asked, probably a little impatiently, his mind starting to whir through possible escape routes. Maybe Arsene had a plan for that but his plans were very…explosive, botchable, horrible. Anywa-

There was the barest noise of the door cracking open behind them. Not good. Alessio kicked it shut with the full force of his body (which…would’ve shattered the door if he aimed it so.)

“Take as long as you need, no hurry here.” He said at Arsene, flipping out a knife. “It wouldn’t be horrible or devastating in any way if we were caught with an entire stolen safe or anything!”

Before Arsene could retort something the whole world went black, so quick it might’ve just been his imagination but now he was in an entirely different place. A cave, widen enough he wasn’t quite claustrophobic, but there wasn’t an opening. He couldn’t stand places that didn’t have at least a door or a window, some area he could get out. His heartrate was already going haywire and his breath, he was trying to keep it steady.

Just another stupid—the words were venom, they were dripping through his brain burning like acid. It was stupid he just needed to get this over, he would not be entertainment to this Castle’s sick game. Whatever happened he was not going to react-

“Accept your fear and cowardice.”

It all froze he couldn’t even think.

Coward. That was all he would ever be…?

He wouldn’t relive this he wouldn’t he wouldn’t! His vision was already shaky now like looking through a shattered, distorted glass. No nono no. He wouldn’t– he was done with it -why couldn’t he move on? Please.

‘Coward!’ Alessio gave a sharp cry like a kicked pup, shielding his face, but he still felt it smack the entire side of his face. Metallic blood inside his cheek he could taste it. But he survived, he made it why was he always getting weaker instead of stronger?

He swore he knew he wasn’t there, he was just making a scene, he wanted attention wasn’t it? SHUT IT UP, WHY COULDN’T HE SHUT UP!?!?!?

‘Why aren’t you out there fighting like a man?

‘Did I raise you like this?! ANSWER ME!’

“I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m s-sorry, I’ll do better – I promise-“ He didn’t even feel it back then but he felt it right now. Shards of glass digging between his fingers, he crumpled under the table, trapped between the wall and the sick smell of alcohol. He just wanted to show his father the wooden boat he carved his tutor said he’d be proud of it he didn’t mean to be lazy and selfish.

‘Look me in the eye when I’m talking to you!’

He couldn’t feel anything. He’d lose the ability to feel, he couldn’t even grieve, he just hated everyone in that moment. Everyone. No one could help him nobody even tried. He knew that was a lie but he knew he couldn’t stop it. No one could hear him. He hated them he hated them all he hated that they could live their lives, and he was stuck living pieces of his life forever.

“F*** you!” Alessio snapped venomously,

Nothing he could do would make these screams comprehensible.

I’m not sure what I did,

But I’m sure I must deserve this

After all, it keeps happening it has to be my fault why can’t I stop it.

I just want it to stop.

He wanted to scream, he wanted to break, he wanted something to come out, something- Because no one acknowledges hurt until you have a break down. But you can’t scream for help, you can’t act out, you can’t run you can’t fight -all you can do is stand and smile and hope no one asks any further.

He was so sick of keeping it together but he physically couldn’t cry, he couldn’t feel, he couldn’t even grief his own loss because something he lost was the piece of his heart that let his emotions out, let them process. He just didn’t have it anymore he couldn’t.

Everything shaky and blurring. He could still see the cave but it was gauzed over with the images. He was panting and trembling, terrified and furious at the same time and the emotions just couldn’t exist outside his own mind they were trapped there he was trapped there over and over and over and over and over every single day it just never stopped.

He flinched again, he kept feeling hands. Hands touching, grabbing. Lifting his chin until his eyes were- fingers tracing his cheekbone bow to his jawline. Fingers prickling the back of his spine. A hand ruffling his hair. He clutched his head with his fists trying to clench the memories back inside his mind.

“You’ll be ok…you’ll be ok…” His voice changed a little each time he spoke, like he was switching timeperiods and personas every couple seconds. He pressed the palm of his hand into his forehead so hard he could feel his own pulse through his wrists. Why wouldn’t it go away?

Who would I even be without the pain? What am I supposed to be?

I’m not a person anymore, not like everyone else.

With that…it was numb again. Not numb but, controlled. Not really controlled but it was something completely different. Perhaps his usual self, not willing to feel or not willing to show he did. Everything was too fast too hard. He can see all the images, really there. He usually knows when he’s hallucinating but now he’s not so sure.

He stares at some corner at his feet, off into space, focusing on the mild blur off the cracks in the floor, forcing himself to dissociate. It’s not hard. He did it ever time they… punished him for trying to escape. He just locked himself inside his own world.

Complete silence for several minutes. He could see it and feel it, not the real world, everything that happened. He just couldn’t hear it, audibly, his mind kept supplying the words.

His hands kept tightening and untightening. It was instinct because he still felt his wrists burning, it was still instinct to struggle out of wires, ropes, chains. His jaw was working too. For a while the only noise that registered was the sound of his breathing, low and controlled.

“Accept your fear and cowardice.”

“Why don’t you come out and face me,” Alessio said in a deathly low voice. “or are you the coward here?”

Fire flickered through his palms, it was beginning to spark through his hair. He could’ve just said what the monster wanted to hear, he didn’t know why he didn’t just give in, it wasn’t like he hadn’t told himself and been told a million times that he was a coward.

He was a coward, right?

It didn’t really matter, all he had to do was say what he’d already been telling himself for years and years and years.

“Your sins are unforgivable. You don’t have the right to demand anything from me.”

Alessio didn’t react. Not noticeably, except his head tilted a little as his eyes drifted to the side. There was an almost murderous apathy in his eyes that he was trying to control. Actually…his eyes were brown, almost gold, but in the shadows they were beginning to look as if they were flickering black.

His head hurt. He wouldn’t have seen it but the scar on his forehead shimmered faintly.

Maybe it was just a childish fancy, a sort of nightmare image that kept playing in his mind. Imagining the sensation of a whip cracking his skin…wasn’t an object so much as clawing fingers that…Everything felt like hands invading him.

He hated people so much…he hated that they still had a live and he’d already lost his before it even began. He’d never admitted to himself how much hatred he’d buried deep inside, how bitter he really was. Only monsters held that kind of hate?

“Fine.” He said “if all you care about is causing pain, take it all out on me.” He glanced at the others, and pursed his lips. “All of it. I’m too f***ed up to matter anyway.”

It was hard to tell what was going on in his own brain. He felt everything and nothing at all. Sparks of fire reflected gold along the rim of his dark eyes, there was more than a blaze around him now and it hissed and crackled like his own determination.

“You can’t handle your own sins, give up.” It said dryly. “Accept your fear and cowardice.”

Alessio gave a little huffing laugh, but then his eyes flashed with terror. He was a child, he just wanted someone to protect him. Why hadn’t anyon-? Just as quickly, fury replaced it. He just kept switching, it didn’t matter emotion, which timeperiod, which fractured piece was there none of them could process the pain.

“No!” He glared at the ceiling “I’m not a coward.”

He didn’t believe his own words, rationally maybe, but he didn’t believe it he really didn’t…But he wasn’t a coward, he was a child doing everything he could!

‘Coward.’

He didn’t want to hurt anyone. He was scared.

‘Coward.’

He was so so scared…

Whydidn’tyousavemewhydidn’tyousavemewhydidn’tyousaveme??

‘If it’s just a couple of bruises it doesn’t count.’ His brother told him that, his brother who always stood up for him, who always protected him. His brother denied all of it-at least he tried to. Alessio had barely worked up the courage to mention it and he didn’t dare admit it wasn’t just bruises here and there, there were gashes that needed stitches, broken bon- ‘He just does that when he’s drunk. Lock yourself in your room whenever he looks mad, when you’re big enough to hold your own he’ll back off.’

His eyes stung, he could feel hot tears flooding, vision shaking his insides shaking everything. He could almost audibly hear himself crack, it just snapped and he couldn’t get it back.

Then he laughed, softly, maybe just a little hysterically. Maybe he was just a little crazy, just a little. Just a little venomous, a little psychotic. It hurt so much all he could do was laugh.

“It doesn’t matter.” He mumbled inaudibly “it doesn’t matter.”

His body shook with wet laughter, his vision blurred, he was still sobbing. And he couldn’t keep control he knew it. He shot a black look in the general direction of the castle’s voice.

“Someone has to pay…that’s-there’s…too much for it to just go away…” Alessio didn’t recognize his voice, he didn’t actually know he was talking outloud, but it sounded too dry and amused with the barest lilt. “Someone always has to…hurt to…someone just has to.”

He had a knife in his hand, he’d forgotten that but now he was fidgeting with it. Not the best idea, his hands were still shaking the blade was too close to his fingers.

“You know…you know I…hate myself because…I have to hate someone…” He gritted his teeth, the realization new to him even. He hated himself so fiercely to not drive himself mad with thoughts of revenge because- “Because someone has to pay.”

 

 

@ragnarok…I TOLD YOU THIS WAS A BAD IDEA I TOLD YOU I TOLD YOU I TOLD YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

@ethan-leonard (I think you’re in this magical mirror and have to admit your character’s cowardice and/or fear, if he’s innocent or won’t admit he’ll probably die or be moved to another mirror it’s mostly just for a character reaction XDDDD)

@hannahrenner, @kimlikesart