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@sageinthemeadow,

Thank you for writing that. Words will fail me in expressing my thanks I’m sure, but thank you nonetheless.

In your second paragraph, I was reminded of Christ in Gethsemane – both in Matthew 26 and in the poem by Boris Pasternak regarding the same. I’ve long been told that God knows what it’s like to be human, not just because He is omniscient, but because He also lived as us. At the same time, it’s all too common to doubt that He can really know what it’s like – God never failed. But I was reminded nonetheless – in the garden, Jesus prayed,

“My Father, if it is possible, let this cup pass from Me; yet not as I will, but as You will.” Then again, “My Father, if this cannot pass away unless I drink it, Your will be done.”

I’ve always found the moment emotional, but never truly comprehended its profundity – or if I did, I’d since forgotten. That Christ, the Son of God made manifest in human flesh, perfectly obedient, having been predestined since before the foundation of the world that He would go at this time and die for our sins and suffer our punishment in our place – could even at this late hour feel doubt. Not the sinful doubting of God’s power, nor sinful fear of evil’s power, but honest human trepidation at suffering.

I write this and I hope that I will remember its effect on me come the morning, and yet I harbor doubt. Doubt that I will change, that I will do as I say I will. I want to be a man of iron will, but I’m just a jar of clay – either easily molded and shaped by the flesh, or when hard – easily shattered by the enemy’s temptations.

But I can hardly end on a down note here, not now of all times. And conveniently enough, God has a way of leading me to hope when I’m headed exactly the other way.

“7 But we have this treasure in jars of clay, to show that the surpassing power belongs to God and not to us. 8 We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair; 9 persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed; 10 always carrying in the body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be manifested in our bodies.” (2 Corinthians 4:7-10)

I am weary of sinning, but I am not yet weary of repenting.

I am perplexed by how I continue to sin, but I still believe that God will change me.

I am stricken by my own sins, but God still gives me breath each morning, and cares for my needs each night.

For though each weary day may seem like an eternity, though it seems like life will continue on like this without end, it will not. One day, it will end. One day, my pain will be over. On a day of God’s choosing, He will tell me that my work is finished, and that it’s time to rest. And on that day, life will go on forever – and for once, I will look forward to an eternity as I am.

The pain isn’t gone, but it cannot chase the hope away. Thank you everyone for all your prayers, for writing to me, for @daeus-lamb for being such a bro in reaching out to chat with me – for caring in a time where even I barely cared.

And thank you God, for always being there.