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Ooh, poetry! Sometimes I have good advice on poetry, but this is not one of those times. 😛 I think the meter could be polished a little bit, but I generally write freeform so I’m not going to try to offer anything more specific than that. However… @cindy is an *amazing* poet (seriously, have you read her stuff on here?) and she’s great with meter, so I’m tagging her in case she has something helpful to add. 🙂