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Chapter Poem

Forums Poetry Poetry Discussions Chapter Poem

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  • #48157
    ScarletImmortalized
    @scarletimmortalized

    Hi!

    I’m writing a WW2 fictional tale with a friend and I’ve been going through editing. Thinking it would be fun to place a small bit of poetry at the beginning of each chapter…I did…

    I am no poet.

    Would anyone be interested in letting me tag them once in a while to look at a four line piece of a poem that starts the new chapter? Maybe give me some tips? It’s quite simple.

    Thanks,

    Scarlet

    “Scarlet, What are you eating?” ~ “Ghost peppers...” ~ Robin sighed.

    #48175
    Libby
    @libby

    @scarletimmortalized I love writing poetry, but I’m still learning myself!  However, if you still would like to have someone to look over your poetry, I would love to. 🙂

    "Young people, you must pray, for your passions are strong and your wisdom is little."C.H.Spurgeon

    #48190
    Evelyn
    @evelyn

    @scarletimmortalized That sounds really neat! Tag me if you want!

    #48199
    ScarletImmortalized
    @scarletimmortalized

    Thanks @libby @evelyn. I only dabbled in poetry in the elementary grades. I really like poetry, but I am very unexperienced.

    Here’s the first chapter’s piece:

     

    On opposite sides, gaze meets gaze, across a dark chasm so great.

    A choice to be made. To continue to love, or to bow to hate.

    Everyone tells them to turn away, to abandon the other.

    But how can brother turn away from brother?

    “Scarlet, What are you eating?” ~ “Ghost peppers...” ~ Robin sighed.

    #48223
    Evelyn
    @evelyn

    @scarletimmortalized I like it! It clearly gets the point across. I think though that a “:” would be added after “A choice to be made.”

    On opposite sides, gaze meets gaze, across a dark chasm so great.

    A choice to be made: To continue to love, or to bow to hate.

    #48372
    Libby
    @libby

    @scarletimmortalized This is very meaningful – I think – and I like it a lot!
    Rhythm-wise, I think perhaps there were a few places that could be polished a bit, but if you aren’t really concerned about that, it’s not really trippy and you don’t need to take any of my advice 😉 It’s just a bit inconsistent.
    Actually, can I just email you my comments?  It might be easier to edit in a word doc. than just typing everything out in one of these comment boxes.  However, I totally understand if you don’t want to.  Thanks for sharing these!  You have some great stuff here!  Now I really want to read your story!

    "Young people, you must pray, for your passions are strong and your wisdom is little."C.H.Spurgeon

    #48950
    Katherine Baker
    @kb-writer

    Hello!


    @scarletimmortalized
    , great poem! Now I feel like reading the rest of the book! 🙂  It’s such a cool idea to start each chapter with a poem, and I think you are definitely on the right track.

    I agree with Libby that you could improve the rhythm. I don’t know if you’re a music-person or not (I am), but the goal here is that it should feel almost sing-songy/lyrical, like a chant, in a way.

    Adding or subtracting words here and there can give it that more chant-like feel.

     

    As an example in the first 2 lines
    <p style=”text-align: center;”>On opposite sides, gaze meets gaze, across a chasm, great.</p>
    <p style=”text-align: center;”>A choice to be made: To continue to love, or to bow to hate.</p>
    I feel like in this part of the poem, there are 3 sections that should each have a similar feel (conveniently, they divided off with commas when you wrote it [though I kinda ruined it]). I made them so they have a similar length and feel, with only a few words not falling “on the beat”, as I would explain in music. In your current rendition, part 3 of the first line (bolded) was way longer than the same part of the 2nd line.

     

    To keep the 3rd part longer, you would want to make a similar expansion to the 3rd part of the 2nd line
    <p style=”text-align: center;”>On opposite sides, gaze meets gaze, across a dark chasm so great.</p>
    <p style=”text-align: center;”>A choice to be made. To continue to love, or to bow down to hate.</p>
    As you can see, I added one word to the second line, “down”, to make it a little closer to the length of the 1st line.

    Unfortunately, I don’t quite know what needs to be done in line 3 and 4 (which I would hate to edit, because they are my favorite lines!). The length and “meter” of them don’t seem to fit with the length and meter of the 1st two. I did my best to bold where the “beat” falls in the poem, so you can see the difference in length of the beat.
    <p style=”text-align: center;”>On opposite sides, gaze meets gaze, across a dark chasm so great.</p>
    <p style=”text-align: center;”>A choice to be made. To continue to love, or to bow to hate.</p>
    <p style=”text-align: center;”>Everyone tells them to turn away, to abandon the other.</p>
    <p style=”text-align: center;”>But how can brother turn away from brother?</p>
    If you talk your way through the poem, emphasizing each syllable I bolded, you’ll be able to feel the meter that I came back with after reading it. Can you feel the change past the second line? I don’t really mind the difference in meter from line 3 to 4 (I almost feel them both together as a 5-beat meter instead of 3 and 2), but it feels a little off after the 4-beat meter set in the 1st two lines. If you could edit one of the sets of lines (1 and 2 or 3 and 4) to match the meter of the other, it will feel more cohesive.

    In summary: keeping your eyes on the differences in lengths between sections and lines will help polish up the poetry a bit.

    Don’t come away from this thinking that poem was at all bad (it wasn’t, and I totally want to hear more now!). I may not even be right with the advice I gave. That’s just how my music-brain thinks through poetry.

    I’m no expert at poetry, and many people hold many different opinions on it, so feel free to disregard everything I just said. 🙂 I just thought I would share my 2 cents.

    Hope this helped!

    Always remember you're unique...
    ...Just like everyone else

    #49028
    ScarletImmortalized
    @scarletimmortalized

    https://docs.google.com/document/d/1DZsHF6RZK2mIe_825kad8Xrm66xRK7NsE5Yuuv84RAM/edit?usp=sharing


    @libby

    Thanks!


    @evelyn

    Created a doc!


    @kb-writer

    Thanks! I was hoping it would be intriguing haha! I created a doc…maybe you wouldn’t mind repeating your suggestions there? I tried reading it here but the weird code for the bold print was distracting. I think I understand about line length, and I’ll see about researching that more for my future bits.

    “Scarlet, What are you eating?” ~ “Ghost peppers...” ~ Robin sighed.

    #49078
    Rachel Rogers
    @scribbles

    Ooh, poetry! Sometimes I have good advice on poetry, but this is not one of those times. 😛 I think the meter could be polished a little bit, but I generally write freeform so I’m not going to try to offer anything more specific than that. However… @cindy is an *amazing* poet (seriously, have you read her stuff on here?) and she’s great with meter, so I’m tagging her in case she has something helpful to add. 🙂

    Ambiverted INFP. Scribbles all the words. Names the plant friends. Secretly Edna the Piguirrel.

    #49613
    ScarletImmortalized
    @scarletimmortalized

    @scribbles Ooh I’ll look for her! I like reading poetry. I even bought a poetry book through an out-of-state friend who works a bookstore. They had a guy’s book signing there but no one had come in *tears for fellow writer* so I decided I needed a copy.

    How does free form work? I’ve probably read many free forms but I don’t really take time to analyze haha!

    “Scarlet, What are you eating?” ~ “Ghost peppers...” ~ Robin sighed.

    #52983
    Katherine Baker
    @kb-writer

    @scarletimmortalized

    Sorry I didn’t get back with you in so long! I feel really bad. 🙁 Just so you know, I tried to check the google doc to help, but my computer’s being incredibly glitchy, so it may be a while before I can figure out what’s wrong and edit on the doc. Sorry again!

    Until then, I’m going to repost my old post and see if I can fix the formatting issues:

    _____________________________

    I agree with Libby that you could improve the rhythm. I don’t know if you’re a music-person or not (I am), but the goal here is that it should feel almost sing-songy/lyrical, like a chant, in a way.

    Adding or subtracting words here and there can give it that more chant-like feel.

     

    As an example in the first 2 lines:

    On opposite sides, gaze meets gaze, across a chasm, great.
    A choice to be made: To continue to love, or to bow to hate.

    I feel like in this part of the poem, there are 3 sections that should each have a similar feel (conveniently, they divided off with commas when you wrote it [though I kinda ruined it]). I made them so they have a similar length and feel, with only a few words not falling “on the beat”, as I would explain in music. In your current rendition, part 3 of the first line (bolded) was way longer than the same part of the 2nd line.

     

    To keep the 3rd part longer, you would want to make a similar expansion to the 3rd part of the 2nd line:

    On opposite sides, gaze meets gaze, across a dark chasm so great.
    A choice to be made. To continue to love, or to bow down to hate.

    As you can see, I added one word to the second line, “down”, to make it a little closer to the length of the 1st line.

    Unfortunately, I don’t quite know what needs to be done in line 3 and 4 (which I would hate to edit, because they are my favorite lines!). The length and “meter” of them don’t seem to fit with the length and meter of the 1st two. I did my best to bold where the “beat” falls in the poem, so you can see the difference in length of the beat.

    On opposite sides, gaze meets gaze, across a dark chasm so great.
    choice to be made. To continue to love, or to bow to hate.
    Everyone tells them to turn away, to abandon the other.
    But how can brother turn away from brother?

    If you talk your way through the poem, emphasizing each syllable I bolded, you’ll be able to feel the meter that I came back with after reading it. Can you feel the change past the second line? I don’t really mind the difference in meter from line 3 to 4 (I almost feel them both together as a 5-beat meter instead of 3 and 2), but it feels a little off after the 4-beat meter set in the 1st two lines. If you could edit one of the sets of lines (1 and 2 or 3 and 4) to match the meter of the other, it will feel more cohesive.

    In summary: keeping your eyes on the differences in lengths between sections and lines will help polish up the poetry a bit.

    ________________________

    Did that make any more sense when I changed the formating?

    Always remember you're unique...
    ...Just like everyone else

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